All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 12 Of ‘The Bachelorette’

Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelorette Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelorette Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.

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Toot toot! Honk honk!

What’s that coming around the bend, tootin and honkin and squealin like 30-50 wild hogs? It’s nothing more than The Bachelorette finale! The final episode!!!

And who’s that classy lad, with the manic grin, and the wild eyes and the wide open mouth? Why it’s me, your recapper, Patrick Lenton! My foot is on the accelerator and we’re barreling wildly into the future, heedless of any obstructions!

Rebecca Shaw is in the backseat, having a nap, because her job is done. Please make sure to send her pictures of the baby with a gun to show your appreciation for her service.

I cannot tell you how many weirdly lesbian problems Rebecca Shaw had to juggle to complete these recaps, so many various competing netball games! She did so well.

Anyway, we’re here. And I know I do a lot of whining and whinging and griping, but this was GENUINELY a wholesome season of TV. Fuck.

Even with the various weirdos at the beginning (RIP, I assume they all got killed by Osher in weirdly fitting ways, like the children that Willy Wonka murdered. Like, Ryan died from having too much hair, that creepy mayor sat on his balls so hard they exploded, the angry chicken man is still that man, which is inherently embarrassing) it was just a really good time.

I love these weirdos, I love Angie, and I feel good with all this. Who knew The Bachelorette could do me this way?

Maybe it’s because I’m all loved up this time, rather than going through a breakup like the last Bachelorette season, or maybe Angie is just a legend. I think we should be friends!

Anyway, let’s rank. Nobody is annoying, everyone is wholesome.

Least Annoying

Angie

I don’t want to sound like these poor lovelorn fools who are all doing heart-eyes at Angie, but it is absolutely her light which drives this show.

She’s such a strong personality, so funny and fun and motivated to get what she wants, and I think that makes a difference.

Also, her journey (lol) is pretty interesting — a woman who has never fallen in love before. As a pretty guarded person, I guess I can see how that can happen, and also i hate love, and also straight men are terrible, so yeah, i can definitely see how this happens.

Anyway — she’s very open in this episode about her confusion, and she says that she’s often confused. I think maybe she does think too much about things, and is happier never making a decision.

I’m not sure either of these dudes are right for her, but I reckon she definitely connects better with Timm.

Anyway! Happy for her. I love that her last line was “I’ve been sweating in my dress all day, so I’m probably a bit gross.”

Carlin

I’ve called this boy bland before, and I don’t HATE that characterisation, but maybe it’s unfair.

I think maybe he’s nice. Nice is a damning term, I think.

What he does have going for him is his willingness to be vulnerable, his emotional maturity, his politeness ( I value politeness a lot).

In fact, the vulnerability and the emotional maturity from the majority of men in this show has been exemplary! Cry for me, you stupid hot idiots, tell me your secrets.

Carlin is also extremely extremely extremely hot, and it’s the kind of hot that warps your brain, that wriggles through it like weird worms. I think it casts a kind of spell. I would choose him simply because of the heft of his shoulders.

Sometimes I look at him and imagine bearing his children, of being heavily pregnant while wearing overalls, of running around on a small Greek island and singing about how much I love him, and… I don’t even have a womb, I have IBS and a fear of babies, and I burn way too easy for Greek islands.

He’s just that hot.

I have nothing bad to say about him, but I don’t particularly stan this decision. I’m excited for Angie to fuck him! Tell me how it goes.

When he wins it’s sweet! I’m happy for them. He’s probably a really nice guy, and if you read this Carlin, pls don’t take these thirsty mean comments to heart — you can even write them off as jealousy if you like. Maybe one day we can sit down and awkwardly stare into the distance together.

Timm

This sweet boy, this avatar of chaos, this wind sprite, this drawling satyr.

I do love him a lot. And I think Angie does too, but I think she’s managed to psych herself out of it, because he’s such a fucking weirdo.

But I’ve been thinking about it. I fell in love with Timm when I realised that he is funny because of two reasons — because he can make jokes and specifically find the humour in things (smort), and also because he IS inherently funny, as in funny weird.

And I realised that when he just kept pointing out cows.

That is funny, and it was compulsive. He didn’t do that for anyone but himself.

And I think him and Angie are both special, weird people. One of a kinds. And maybe that would be too much for a relationship, maybe a weirdo needs someone a bit more solid? But I dunno, I think they got each other.

And he was SO NICE while being rejected. He praised Carlin. He tried to cheer her up. He didn’t make a scene. Weirdly it was him being rejected which made him perfect to me.

Sad. Oh well.

In the end, I don’t even think it was heterosexual nonsense I had to endure. I think it was just the nonsense that lives inside our hearts… I’M SO TIRED. SHUT UP. GO AWAY. GO TO BED YOU GHOULS.

I love you all. Let’s all go focus on our own lives now instead of these beautiful TV people.

Bye.

The Bachelorette Australia IS OVER

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Patrick Lenton is the Editor of Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.