All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 11 Of ‘The Bachelorette’

Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelorette Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelorette Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.

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If you are reading this… I have been murdered. Just kidding, I am alive (probably).

Congratulations!!!! We have made it!!! Together. We have put in the hard yards. We have laughed, cried, raged, been various levels of horny, and now finally, it’s almost over.

Yes that’s right, it’s the last week of The Bachelorette. It has flown by! It’s just like that classic saying: time flies when you are making fun, of men. I do have to say, even though every week the lean mean bisexual machine (AND NEW JUNKEE EDITOR) Patrick Lenton and I rank this heterosexual show based on who is most annoying to least annoying, there’s actually been a lot of fun to be had this season. 

I think Angie hit the perfect balance for a Bachelorette, funny and unique, but also still a relatively normal human instead of a huge celebrity, or someone so generically heterosexual that it is painful.

More importantly than that, though, is the casting, and the kind of range of men she is into. On no other season would men like Ciarran and Timm even get cast, let alone make it to the end! They really made the show a lot less heterosexual.  Not by being queer, but by not being a generic heterosexual gym fiend meat head.

They are chill and not trying to win her over by being macho, and I loved that she was not only into that, but demanded that because they need to fit in with her lifestyle.

She knows what feminism is! She has queer and trans friends! She probably wouldn’t have a gender reveal party! It has been a joy to watch someone on this journey who you feel like is on a more similar page to you. And obviously this entire thing is about ME and MY happiness! 

I still have a sinking feeling that the finale will end up being Carlin and Ryan, with Carlin winning the whole thing, which will disappointingly be the most boring and heterosexual outcome possible. I know she wants stability and commitment, and Carlin certainly does seem to have that coming off him so strongly that you can almost see its stink lines.

However I think it’s his handsomeness that is giving us that mistaken impression, and actually what we can see are stink lines of boring. Nice and stable and boring as batshit are very close on the stinkline chart, as we can see below.

The first image contains Carlin and yellow stinklines, which indicate nice and stable.

This next image contains Carlin and stinklines that indicate boring as batshit. 

So you can see how Angie could be confused.

And as always, thank you to the Bureau of Menteorology for the above work. Anyway, I just want Angie to be happy, and so I don’t care really who she picks, I just hope it’s the right choice for her in the long term. Or at least in the short term, while they have to do all the media together. Or, she chooses me! A shocking but somehow perfect choice. Except that Angie keeps saying she has never been in love, which leads me to believe she is not a queer woman who falls in love with every woman who replies to a text. 

Anyway let’s see what happens and who is annoying!!

LEAST ANNOYING

TIMM

As always, we stan precious weird angel Timm.

Actually, it’s more that I love the two of them together. Angie has so much fun when she is with him, and SHE is so funny and happy when she is with him. She knows that, in her words, he’s a ‘lunatic’, and she, in his words, ‘froths it’. They had a fun date where they painted sunflowers with their hands, and they both just ended up in paint and having fun and I love them. 

LESBIAN NOTE: The painting reminded me of this scene in this terrible Canadian lesbian movie called Better Than Chocolate and I really have nothing else to say about it, just thought you should know. 

To get to the painting, Angie surprised Tim with a ride on a big trike bike thing and he was so excited, and his hair looked really cute in the helmet

Also it was funny when he said “it’s super romantic driving along with just me and Angie…and mark the trike driver.” And how can you not fall for a man who points out horses as you drive past

and yells the following things verbatim:

“THOSE ARE NICE HORSES! LOOK AT THAT ONE! IT’S POSING!”

ARE YOU REAL? HEY YOU!” 

Angie’s face is a good approximation of my face watching the scene.

They then had a serious chat, where Angie expressed to him that she was concerned that he isn’t stable (boring) enough for her, and that he would be a gamble. And to his credit, he agreed that he would, but also correctly told her that every relationship is a gamble.

There is no guarantee, even with the most boring man in the world. Timm may be chaos, but he’s right. ALSO, he is the ONLY ONE out of these THREE MEN that you haven’t caught lying to you! So who is the real gamble! 

He also expressed to her how he was feeling about her. And I must be feeling vulnerable right now, because in a shocking season twist…..he made me tear up.

He was telling her about how he had been waiting for a different feeling to hit him, and it had. And that he was inspired by her, and that he didn’t just look at her like someone that could be his girlfriend, but as someone he looks at and hopes his daughter has her attributes, and about her as a mum….and sorry, I know it’s hack, but it really got me good.

And I think that’s because I believe that he’s sincere. Or the very least, a wonderful actor. Or maybe I’ve fallen in love with him? Also we do have to keep in mind he was also as intense and excited about things in this episode as ‘horses’ and ‘fresh air’, but too late I’m on the Timm train!!!

THE DOLPHINS ON RYAN AND ANGIE’S DATE

Angie and Ryan went on a boat, he was so so so so boring, and then they saw some dolphins which were really cute!!

OOh, is that someone not boring over there?

They surrounded the boat! And also if you look closely, you can see them trying to get a message to Angie!

Love them! Sorry to dolphins that we have set the entire world and oceans on fire! 

MOST ANNOYING

RYAN

Sorry, I know it’s predictable. But so is your FACE.

Look, Carlin is boring, but at least I think in an inoffensive sort of dopey kind of way. And as Angie said in the episode, “there’s just something about him I can’t shake.” Hmm yes what could it be, we still haven’t figured it out. 

And lol at Carlin pretending his acting and modelling had nothing to do with being on the show!! Maybe if you were better at acting you wouldn’t have had to apply!!!

Anyway this is about Ryan.

Angie likes Ryan because he is calm and stable, but she wanted to find out if they had anything going on besides liking dogs, and look: they don’t. And if liking dogs meant someone is your soulmate, than I have four thousand soulmates I’ve seen on Tinder.

Speaking of, they also discussed their previous DMs and said “I wanted to see if what we had on social media could translate to real life”, and I am here to tell you that YES this is possible, and I, for example, am very funny and charming in real life as well, anyway slide into my DMs. 

So yes, Ryan is not only boring but also not genuine.

He seems to always just tell her what she wants to hear, and that is a red flag. After their boat date (where she almost vomited again, we love our vomiting queen), she asked if he had any doubts, and he was like “zero, none” and I just get the feeling he’s trying to win her over, instead of being real.

Anyway, then they said some more stuff and kissed but at that point I was bored and looking at Instagram. 

NEVER TO ANNOY ME AGAIN

This season gives me yet another unexpected turn. I really thought that the final two would be Carlin and Ryan, and I am so stoked and proud of Angie for picking Ryan to go home!! I assume she did this for me, specifically. 

It was obviously a very hard decision, you could tell because Angie was *really* crying

with the heaving sobs and looking to other people to help reminiscent of a drunk broken hearted woman in a club hallway or bathroom.  

I want to go hoooomeee

And look, I have to hand it to Ryan — he was a gracious loser, and nice to Angie, so that was good to see. 

I don’t know what’s going to happen next episode, because this one ended with Angie upset and wondering if she’d made the wrong decision, but I’m thrilled with the outcome so far.

I assume Carlin will win, but I’m very happy we got to have an entire season with this tall sunflower weirdo. Congrats to Angie, and congrats to the show. And congrats to US, for making it this far. Tomorrow night is the finale, and Patrick the beautiful lad will be recapping it. 

Thanks so much for joining us this season, make sure you leave feedback or reach out, or email Hollywood? if you liked it and would like us to be brought back to do the next season! 

If you can’t bear to part, follow me everywhere @brocklesnitch if you please. I love you and I hope Angie is happy, and I hope you are happy! 

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Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch