All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 2 Of ‘The Bachelor’

Hello, welcome back to Junkee’s recaps of The Bachelor Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelor Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the nonsense we see in front of us.

So! The Bachelor is back, or the Mattchelor, as my fellow recapper and queer icon, Bec Shaw has titled him. It’s canon! I don’t make the rules, but she does. He’s The Mattchelor now, and long may he reign!

He seems genuinely nice? He loves to look at the moon, professionally, and inflict some science upon it. Some say he knows the name of every star in the sky, and others say that one day he’ll be returning to his celestial home — but maybe with a fancy bride on his spaceship!

He’s also very attractive, with shoulders that could heft multiple telescopes. Big telescopes.

He came into our office and we made eye contact, and it was special. I’d go abseiling with him, and yes, that’s a special gay sex move.

ANYWAY — the way that literal beam of light Rebecca Shaw and I will be recapping this season is from Least Annoying to Most Annoying — and a special hint is that it’s all pretty annoying?

Let’s go.

LEAST ANNOYING

Abbie

Already The Bachelor producers are stoking the fire under the huge cauldron of hungry, drunk women on this show, using editing and sinister music to pitch a thousand rivalries. They want everyone to HATE each other and be catty. We’ve all seen Unreal! We’ve all read a Wikipedia article about the plot of Unreal!

And sure — there are already some genuinely unpleasant people in the glorified Bali hostel they call the Bachy mansion, so it makes sense that people would be on edge. I would 100% be a horrifying bitch if I was trapped in a basic-ass cocktail party with absolutely no way to leave.

But Abbie, who we get to hear a lot of monologuing from this episode, doesn’t take that bait. She spends her entire time just praising her fellow contestants and being endlessly supportive.

“I think anyone could have a connection with Sogand, she’s funny, smart, gorgeous,” she says after they discover that Sogand got the first date.

“Omg, what a bombshell” she later says about another contestant.

Even while they all sat around being prodded to bitch about Sogand’s date, the most she can manage is:

“Fingers crossed they have a horrible date — he’ll obviously love her, but maybe she’ll hate him, they’ll have a horrible date and then she’s out of it!”

What! Who gave you permission to be so lovely on THIS cursed show?

Sogand

OK, I’m sorry, but how dare anyone be so stunning? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more beautiful woman than Sogand.

She also seems to just be kinda cool, and has a nice date with Matt. I really believed that these two very attractive people on a very romantic date might have enjoyed themselves and each other! In comparison, I once I went on a date with a guy who told me he was a “giraffe scientist” and he asked me if I wanted milk in my martini.

But probably her best feature is how vaguely suspicious she is — when she sees a helicopter, she looks at it like it might just fly away with her in it, to its helicopter nest. When Mattchelor reveals a beautiful dress hidden in the forest, she’s like “how do you just find a fancy dress in the middle of the park?” and it’s a good question!

When she finds a bunch of violinists hiding beneath the trees, she doesn’t take that for granted! She looks at them, all wild-eyed, and says “…hello?”.

But, at the cocktail the next night, even though she does get a bit territorial, especially around the other Persian woman, she also shows that she’s perfect because everyone is CLEARLY wasted, and she makes popcorn. Dream person.

 

Too good for this show!

Rachael

The big news in this episode is that eight new women are introduced.

What? We only just met the original 204, and I don’t know any of their names? All I know is that the amount of blonde women is measured in gallons, like oil or swimming pool water, and while they’re all 24, they look “socialite 40”.

They’ve all been the mansion for a hot minute, but now there’s rivalry between the new women and the old women? Honestly. It’s like the first rule of feminism that you wait until the third episode before you start feuding.

But Rachael, who I know will be a villain at some point, describes the whole mess as:

“Then eight more women get thrown into the mix, like a bad batch of… shit-cake.”

A bad batch of shit-cake.

If that isn’t the most iconic description of this show, I don’t know what is? I genuinely laughed.

MOST ANNOYING

Nichole

Her name is still spelled Nichole! If that’s confusing, just imagine being punched in the throat when you’re trying to say “Nicole”.

Mary

Mary has one joke, and that’s calling the Bachelor “her husband”. It is an ok joke, but it doesn’t really escalate. It’s like going to see a comedian, and they just tell the same joke, slightly reworded, over and over again. Try the veal. Try the veal? The veal? You should try it. Veal? Try? It? The veal is my husband!

It was annoying!

Plus, we get a LOT of her commentary this episode, and it’s always basically her just yelling about something she saw, and not liking it.

“A table? Hmm, I do NOT like that. What happened to just stacking a bunch of chairs together, and eating with our hands?”

Emma

I know we’re MEANT to think that Emma is some kind of deranged stalker, obsessive over the Bachelor in ways that criminally make no sense from the tiny amount of time they’ve spent together — I know we’re ENCOURAGED to think that, and guess what, it is absolutely working.

I’ve never felt as passionate and protective, as Emma does to a handsome stranger, over anything. If my long-suffering husband or wife of 62 years acted like she did at a party, I would simply have to divorce them because they are too clingy.

In fact, only nerds care about other people! Dying alone is where it’s at.

It’s frankly insufferable!

Nicki

“Hi there, my name is Nicki, finding love can be tricky, oh Bachy you’re a cutey, let me see you shake that booty!”

You know how they bring in a novelty weirdo at the start to do something strange and off-putting? Well, her name is Nicki, and this whole thing was less “Bring It On” and more “VERY ANNOYING SONG”!

That rhymed. I’m very tired.

Monique

Monique is peak heterosexual nonsense.

She’s already doing the whole “I don’t care if the girls don’t like me, I’m not here for them” and “I’m a tom-boy” thing. Tom-Boy is such a baffling concept in 2019, as a side note. Who the fuck is Tom?

Every season there’s someone who comes in who has crafted their entire personality around the previous Bachelor — in this case, she tells this dainty science-man that she’s not a girly-girl! She worked in the mines! She boxes! She’s dressed like a hot extra from the Underworld franchise! Imagine how much the Honey Badger’s moustache would have quivered at that.

But I think Matt is politely baffled by it. Mines? Underground? Rocks? His brain lives in SPACE. His soul soars amongst the stars! His penis is a METEOR.

NEVER TO ANNOY OR NOT ANNOY AGAIN

Six whole people got kicked out tonight! And who can ever forget their names. Let’s all try to think of the good times?

There’s Danush! So, that will make Sogand happy.

Lord of the Rings Hannah is gone.

There’s a bunch of blondes gone. By my estimation, there are only 72 blonde women left, and they are all named Trisha.

Also, where did Vakoo go?

We’ll be back next week! Until then, as we always say (say it with me kids), enjoy loneliness!

The Bachelor Australia plays on Channel Ten on Wednesday and Thursday Night.

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Patrick Lenton is the Entertainment Editor at Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.