All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During ‘The Bachelor’ Premiere

Welcome to the Junkee recap of The Bachelor Australia. Settle in. Saddle up.

Hello readers!!!! Wow, I can’t believe it is that time again already.

It feels like only yesterday we were here together, totally and completely invested forever in the love life of whats-her-name and the various disappointing men who were competing for her affections. I haven’t checked in recently, but I assume the happy couple is still happily together, having had a baby together (a new variety of fitness product).

Anyway, enough about them.

It’s time to drink some bleach to clear your palates anew, and strap yourselves into the [INSERT TYPE OF CAR FROM WHICHEVER CAR COMPANY IS SPONSORING THIS SEASON OF THE BACHELOR] to watch the new season of The Bachelor.

With me! Your intrepid guide through the minefield of reality television based around the conservative concepts of heterosexual monogamy and compulsory adheration to the failing societal tenets of relationships and marriage. Hooray!

If you didn’t join me for The Bachelorette because you were busy with “your own loving relationships”, first of all you sicken me, second of all, let me catch you up.

Each week, Junkee’s stylish human greyhound Entertainment Editor Patrick Lenton and I will be alternating recapping the Wednesday and Thursday episodes of The Bachelor.

Because we are both single, spite-filled queers, we will not be using traditional irrelevant rankings such as “most attractive” or “best match” and instead we will be rating people on Most Annoying to Least Annoying, and everyone who was neither won’t get a mention (because they don’t DESERVE it).

Was this system much easier during The Bachelorette when it was ranking a group of annoying men on how annoying they were? 100%.

Are women superior to men in every single way, even those who go on reality television? Obviously.

Do we still think this ranking system will work because heterosexuality itself is inherently annoying? Yes of course!

>So let’s get into the first ep!

We start as always with some rousing twinkly music as we see a view of the beautiful house, reminiscent of the Big Brother house at its peak (RIP).

Osher, beautiful Osher, talks to us about romance and the journey and then says “Our new Bachelor is no ordinary man, in fact some may say for him, love is written in the stars.”

Okay, okay, okay, we have to stop right here.

This is something we are going to have to get used to. You see, if you have been living under a rock that somehow doesn’t have WIFI in 2019, you should know that Matt the Bachelor is an astrophysicist!

That’s right folks. The show’s producers got into a big huddle and said “we must cast the complete opposite of the Honey Badger”, and so here we are. 

If I were an ex-Bachelor, I would be offended that the promos have basically been “TUNE IN BECAUSE WE FINALLY GOT SOMEONE WITH HALF A FUCKEN BRAIN”, but I’m not and never have been the Bachelor.

Should I be? That’s not for me to decide. Anyway, we finally meet our Bachelor, and readers, it’s not going to be a subtle time. 

All credit to him, Matt IS an astrophysicist, which is pretty cool! He’s smart and without knowing anything else about him, I should also point out that he’s handsome, if you like that sort of thing (handsome men).

Okay we get it he’s smart and hot, we all have stuff going on Matt, I write recaps of The Bachelor in bed! You aren’t better than me! 

Matt claims that he applied for the show because he wants to find love, and that because he’s a man of science he knows that the evidence is there that The Bachelor works. To be honest I think the stats wouldn’t back him up on that WHATSOEVER,  but he’s a handsome scientist, not a handsome numbers man, so let’s give him a break.

Also I think we should all call him The Mattchelor. Okay thanks. 

I’m not going to bother including a photo of it here, but Mattchelor also has a lot of abs! And no by that I don’t mean A Big Sciencebrain, I mean abdominal muscles.

It is actually quite hard to understand what he is doing on this show, but far be it for me to judge, or question, why we have been given this gift from God….OR THE BIG BANG (Science).

Now for a sentence that sounds creepy and horrible in basically every context, including this one: Let’s meet the women! 

LEAST ANNOYING

Ellie

Look, I know from the moment she got out of the limo that the show was setting Ellie up to be a contender and was giving her a good edit, and guess what, it worked!

I’m a dumb little bird that would fall asleep if you put a blanket over my cage, and the show told me to love Ellie and I do. I love her. She is a woman with BLNE — Big Lovely Nurse Energy. She also has the most important quality in any person — bringing snacks to the event.

During the cocktail party, which if I had to describe the vibe of would be “like musical chairs on coke where the prize was a lot more coke”, Elly was very adamant that everyone should wait their turn with Matt and be polite.

Snacks and consideration, a woman after my own heart.

For this, she received the show’s first ever ‘Golden Ticket’ from Matt, which is not a factory tour of a chocolate factory where children die, but a date with trip to Matt’s hometown of Melbourne.

Stay tuned to see if someone Augustus Gloops into the Yarra, we can only hope. 

She’s not annoying at all.

Vakoo

Our first impression of Vakoo was in the limousine practising saying “hello, I’m Vakoo” in various ways over and over while Matt waited, and that to me, is a very funny first impression. 

It really could have gone either way from there, but it turns out she was a delight in the rest of the episode as well, describing Matt as a three-layer chocolate cake that she was allowed to see and smell, but not taste.

She also laid out a red carpet multiple times for her to show off her modelling walk, I assume auditioning for something, she gave great responses to dramatic moments, and we simply love Vakoo so far.

She’s fun! Not annoying! 

Rachael

Okay, this MAY be controversial because Rachael is obviously being set up to be a villain, but sorry not sorry, she made me laugh so much and therefore cannot be annoying!

I’m pretty sure….that’s science (which our Bachelor knows about by the way). She also says “how funny” and “that’s funny” while not laughing, and that is something I do all the time, therefore it is endearing. 

She arrived in a full wedding gown, brought a bridesmaid with her that she got mad at, negged Matt by saying she usually goes for more rugged guys, forgot his name…

and delivered satisfying burns on the other contestants.

Such as about the China-obsessed Kristen (or Kirsten who can ever tell): “I feel like Kristen has been paid by China to promote their country.”

She also accused other people of being clingy, mere hours after arriving in a wedding gown. It’s amazing and hilarious! She’s not with us for the long-term, but in the short-term I am on board.

Bless you, Rachael, you are not annoying. 

Abbie

Abbie has to get a quick mention for 

1. Her facial expressions.

1. Responding “Gemini” when Mattchelor told her his job (I think she was joking guys, also everyone add me on co-star!)
2. Responding “It’s not going anywhere is it?” when Kristen asked if she had been to China. 
3. Responding “Oh, yep yeah cool awesome” when receiving a rose. 

MOST ANNOYING

Hannah

I found it difficult to pin down if I was annoyed or delighted by Hannah, it kept changing all the time throughout the episode, just like women love to change outfits!! Am I right fellas?? First Hannah came with Love Actually cards which was sort of original..

but unfortunately, that movie sucks, so that’s annoying.

Later she interrupted a date with Matt and huge contender Helena, annoying, but sat down with them and would NOT move, which was funny. 

But then she talked a lot about Lord of the Rings — back to annoying.

I will be curious to see where she lands next week, but for now, mildly annoying! 

Nichole

Nichole, like Rachael, is here to be one of our villains. But unfortunately she isn’t funny at all. 

She is cocky, mean spirited, and also from the Gold Coast. All bad news.

At one point she was talking about how hot she is and as an example said “Just the other day I had four guys in a car chasing me down to film me on Snapchat” and then laughed, and that’s unfortunately not funny at all and in fact scary, and those men and toxic masculinity at large are the TRUE most annoying. 

Emma

Emma, emma, emma. Oh dear, Emma. Lots of people are going to be talking about Emma. Emma really wants to get married and has done so since she was a child, and said she thinks about it EVERY DAY, which in my opinion is once per day too many.

Emma is super into Matt, and continues throughout the episode to describe him as perfect and handsome and lovely and speculates what their initials would be if they get married, and calls him an amazing, amazing, amazing (three amazings) man.

Sorry, absolutely no man is that amazing Emma!

But Emma knows what she wants, and I want Emma to have what she wants! Which is a husband. Unfortunately if you are on a reality dating competition show and the very first evening you say the phrase “if he gets too friendly with another girl it would be pretty hard to deal with,” then perhaps this reality dating competition show is not for you. 

However! Emma’s deal is annoying because she is idealising Matt and marriage, not because she is being upfront about what she wants, on this show where it’s encouraged.

I hope that she isn’t posited as being too clingy or  “crazy” by the show, which would be therefore punishing her for being too full-on for a show where the conceit is that you FALL IN LOVE WITH A STRANGER OVER A MATTER OF WEEKS, and which would be a huge dick move.

But considering the Jaws-type music they played in the scene above where they make it look like she’s spying on Matt and other women, and the edit she’s getting, I’m not confident.

Yes there was annoyance, but I was mainly scared she was going to hyperventilate and die when Matt asked her to go speak with him. 

NEVER TO ANNOY OR NOT ANNOY AGAIN

Goodbye to Sophie and Keely, we never knew ye.

I do not remember seeing Keely, but I actually loved Sophie in the orange, who said at one point that being an astrophysicist sounds like a fake job, which it does. As does being an architect, which only exists in movies.

Sorry architects, prove your existence! You can’t! 

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS

• The bar for men is so low. The women were SO impressed by the fact that Matt recognised the most iconic scene in rom-com history from the extremely popular movie Love Actually, and one of them was impressed that he knew the word ‘permeate’. 
• French-speaking frontrunner Helena looks and sounds exactly like Sandra Sully (google it, young people). 
• Chelsie gave Matt a temporary tattoo on his smooth science chest of Oxycotin or something, I’m not googling it, and is also a frontrunner. I liked how patronising she was expecting to have to be to the Bachelor, “I hope this doesn’t go over his head”. 
• Kristen loves China! The show loves playing inappropriate music and sounds whenever China is mentioned! Which is worse, it’s impossible to say.
• Has there ever been a non-thin woman on this show? Just asking questions. 

That’s all from me, I have to go look up at some stars and sing the Dixie Chick’s song ‘Cowboy Take Me Away’ softly under my breath while I cry. See you next time! 

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Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch