Hannibal Buress Gave A Mock Graduation Speech And It Was Extremely Weird And Depressing

“Congrats! You made it. Or you didn’t make it but you still wanted to come to this thing, and that’s weird. Either way, I can’t say I’m happy for you, because I don’t know you.”

So begins Hannibal Buress’ mock commencement address, a pitch perfect pisstake of the heartfelt celebrity graduation speeches you see filtering across your timeline each and every year.

Created for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, the 12-minute missive sees Buress address the Class of 2017 as they prepare to step out into the real world. “Some of you probably cheated your way through,” says the comedian. “And to be honest, some of you probably should have. Some of you had your parents pay your way through. That’s cool, but don’t be a dick and brag about it. It’s not an accomplishment.”

“I’m here with some important words,” he continues. “I will convey them to you through a moving personal anecdote from my life. It will be a story that seems like it won’t be immediately relevant to you, and you’ll probably tune out for most of it, but by the end, it’ll have a really deep message. It’s really gonna hit you. I swear, you’re gonna feel it. It’s gonna be so dope.”

Things quickly go off the rails from there, with the comic losing his train of thought and spending most of the second half of his speech rambling about college football and the Martin Lawrence sitcom Martin. “Binge watching a TV show can help bring you joy when you’re jobless,” he tells the crowd. “Whatever your show is, just find it.”

Good advice imo.

Still, any student in need of reassurance had best look elsewhere. “Just know, it’s statistically impossible for all of you to succeed,” says Buress. “That’s just life. So, good luck. Or whatever.”