Music

An A-Z Of The MTV VMAs: A Guide To Understanding What The Hell Just Happened

Just in case you got sidetracked when Kanye announced his RUN FOR PRESIDENCY.

by Meg Watson  31 August 2015

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Earlier today, the MTV Video Music Awards came and went for another year and we were all left to consider a few very important questions. Should we know who more of these people are? Why are some of them younger than us? How do we stop our inexorable march towards old age and how exactly do we prepare for a future in which Kanye West is President?

I have no answers to any of this, but I can at the very least offer a play-by-play. Here’s what went down, from A-Z:

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A is for: Amber Rose And Blac Chyna Going Up Against Slut-Shaming 

Following on from the news she’s launching her own Slut Walk next month, Amber Rose arrived on the red carpet in a bodysuit plastered with words like “slut”, “hoe”, “golddigger”, “bitch” and “whore”. Model Blac Chyna was by her side in a dress of the same style, and the pair told MTV News the outfits were made especially for them by some fans.

“We just got to a point in our lives where we’re sick of getting ridiculed for loving men and being sexual beings and just being sexy women in general,” Rose said. “Hoes be winning.”

Hoes be winning, indeed.

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B is for: Britney Spears. Always Britney Spears.

I mean, she didn’t really do that much other than present an award and smile politely, but as the unofficial Queen of the VMAs it feels important to note her presence. Not only has she been nominated for a ridiculous 27 awards in her career — including the lifetime achievement award which she took home in 2011 — she’s responsible for some of the show’s most memorable moments.

In 2001, she performed with a live snake. In 2003, she had her iconic kiss with Madonna. In 2015, she had her picture kissed by Justin Bieber — a person who was five years old when she won her first VMAs — while he pretended to be Spiderman.

Yeah. This year was a bit of a bust in the Britney department.

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C is for: ‘Can’t Feel My Face’

The Weeknd sang his latest hit in what was probably one of the least remarkable performances of the night. For some reason I will never quite understand, his biggest fan Tom Cruise was not invited to sing by his side.

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D is for: Dancing Kanye

At least The Weeknd had one big fan:

Here’s a longer version with no other soundtrack than a confused woman’s stifled laughter. It really does suit it better:

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E is for: Everyone Wanting To Be Friends With Taylor Swift

In the past week alone, Tay’s hauled Ellen Degeneres, Lisa Kudrow, and Avril Lavigne on stage for her 1989 tour. In light of this, a few other random celebrities may have been angling for her attention throughout the night.

GEEEEEZ. Just play it cool, guys.

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F is for: FIRE

For some weird reason, the VMAs didn’t let The Weeknd stay true to his original music video and set himself on fire, so he had to settle for some light arson on stage.

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G is for: Great Outfits

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For a rundown of Miley’s full wardrobe for the show, Slate have you covered. If you want to emulate any of it, Melbourne designers Di$count Universe will sort you out.

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H is for: ‘Honeydew’ Live

In his first ever performance at the VMAs, Justin Bieber sang a couple of his latest releases including ‘Where Are U Now’: that song we’ve all accepted is actually about honeydews. Though that may sound pretty standard, it’s actually a really big deal for the young star who hasn’t released any new singles in the past three years.

Perhaps because of all this, he broke down on stage at the end of the performance and had a little cry. It was surprisingly nice.

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I is for: Iggy Azalea Performing With Demi Lovato Against Everyone’s Will

Whether for her noted cultural appropriation, or the fact she seems to be in the digital equivalent of a pub brawl every day on Twitter, it’s clear Igloo Australia has a bit of a problem with the #haters. And this has never been more clear than today when she joined UK singer Demi Lovato on stage for a performance of her song ‘Cool For The Summer’.

Though Azalea snuck on stage right at the end amidst a flurry of neon underwear and confetti, Twitter was not having a bar of it; protesting the whole thing due to her surprise cameo.

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J is for: Justin Bieber And His New Music Video

It’s called ‘What Do You Mean’, and that title seems pretty appropriate when you consider it features him getting laid, orchestrating his own kidnapping, then casually having a party at a skatepark like nothing happened. What do you mean, Bieber?

When confronted with this, most just chose to focus on his new hair. Does it make him look like Brad Pitt?

This morning show host?

Donald Trump?

Maybe it’s not important. I think we can all agree it’s terrible.

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K is for: KANYE ANNOUNCING HIS RUN FOR PRESIDENCY

After being presented with a lifetime achievement award by Taylor Swift (of all people), Kanye dove gleefully into a 12-minute speech about artistic integrity, the awards industry, and cultural changes at large in the younger generation. Then, because it really does seem like the next logical step in his career, he casually announced his bid for the 2020 Presidential race.

Before people start pledging campaign funds, it’s probably important to take note that he also admitted to smoking weed just a couple of hours prior. Might be related. Not sure.

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L is for: ‘Levels’, Nick Jonas’ Sexy New Song About Sex

Did you know Nick Jonas from the Jonas Brothers is still around? I did not. Hope you enjoy nearly naked ladies writhing around on car tyres, because he sure does!

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M is for: Miley Cyrus Dropping An Entire Album With The Flaming Lips

Though there was a predictable stir about what she was wearing, Miley actually didn’t cause as much controversy as what people expected from her. To be fair, she’d set herself a tough target. Her appearance on stage with Robin Thicke in 2013 is widely acknowledged as what redefined her entire career, and in 2014, she came out of nowhere and asked a homeless teen to accept an award on her behalf. Despite being host, this year may have been her least remarkable.

That is, except for this: at the end of the evening she dropped the long-awaited collaboration she’s been working on with The Flaming Lips.

Miley Cyrus & Her Dead Petz is a huge 23-track LP that’s online and available for free right now. Or, it would be if the website hadn’t immediately overloaded with traffic and crashed.

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N is for: Nicki Minaj Making Friends And Enemies

After an interesting but sensationalised exchange between Swift and Minaj on Twitter last month that was centred around the latter not being nominated for Best Video, the pair opened the show with an epic performance of ‘Trini Dem Girls/The Night Is Still Young’ and ‘Bad Blood’. There were many feathers and even more crotch grabbing, but at the end they shared an adorable little hug.

This was then quickly forgotten when Minaj called out Miley Cyrus for calling her “impolite” in an interview with The New York Times last week. Despite being called a “bitch” on stage, Cyrus suggested the quotes were somehow manipulated and offered a seemingly sincere congratulations. Though some are suggesting it looks staged by MTV, when you consider the shock on Miley’s face and the total glee on Minaj’s, it kind of just looks like she was trying to make things more exciting.

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O is for: Oh, Man. I Don’t Have One For This.

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P is for: People Actually Winning Stuff Amidst All This

Taylor Swift won Best Music Video for ‘Bad Blood’ and both Best Pop Video and Best Female Video for ‘Blank Space’. Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars picked up Best Male Video for ‘Uptown Funk’. 5 Seconds of Summer scored Song of the Summer because I guess the judges got lazy at some point.

For any more detail than that, head here.

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Q is for: Quit it. Q Is A Hard Letter To Do On These Things.

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R is for: Ryan Lewis And Macklemore Making Some Impressive Friends

Performing their new single ‘Downtown’ for the first time the pair went super literal and took the music to the streets of downtown LA. At some point they were let back into the theatre, but presumably just because rap icons Kool Moe Dee, Melle Mel and Grandmaster Caz were with them.

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S is for: “Skin Trend”, Whatever That Is

Yep, people were showing a lot of skin on the red carpet. Yep, Miley Cyrus must have had industrial strength glue on her nipples to keep these suspenders in place. But nope, “skin trend” is not going to be a thing. Just stop.

Incidentally, if you would like to feel really old, I suggest flicking through that VH1 piece. It includes the words “sideboob on fleek” and “phenom cleave, IMO”.

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T is for: Taylor Swift Taylor Swift Taylor Swift 

The obsession with Taylor Swift got a little extreme at times.

U is for: Unimpressed Kanye

Say hello to the world’s newest meme.

V is for: Vines

The perfect medium to capture the madness unfold:

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W is for: ‘Wildest Dreams’

Taylor Swift dropped her latest music video. She has brown hair and at one point gets extremely Old Hollywood next to a confused giraffe.

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X is for: Nothing, Because X Is Also A Hard Letter To Do

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Y is for: Your Nightmares, Who All Gathered Together To Take This Selfie

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Z is for: Zzzzzzz, The Sound Little Kanye Makes After His Big Ol’ Night

Sleep well, big fella. You done good. You done good.

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