Your Important And Comprehensive Guide To The Best-Named Candidates In The Upcoming Queensland Election
Do it for democracy.
For many Queenslanders, the election this coming weekend is a democratic wasteland. With both major parties offering uninspiring rhetoric, what hope do we have for actual change?
In modern politics we all know promises come and go, allegiances switch and personal beliefs are naught but polling data made verbal. There is one thing, however, that is unshakeably measurable when it comes to who you should vote for. Try as they might, QLD election candidates can never escape the truth of their name. As Courtney Cox discovered when she attempted acting success after the end of Friends, your moniker always stays with you.
Here, then, is your definitive and scientifically-calculated breakdown of the only candidates worth considering when you head to the polls this Saturday. Use this guide to ascertain which possible politicians most closely represent your values and before you know it, the Sunshine State will be back on track!
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HAS DEFINITELY OWNED A COUNTRY ROAD SHOULDER BAG
Blair Brewster
Stirling Hinchcliffe
Gillian Marshall-Pierce
Saxon Rice
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MOST QUEENSLAND
Roger Brisbane
John Bjelke-Petersen
Michael Punshon
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PROBABLY A FILTHY VICTORIAN
Bevan Collingwood
Bevan Collingwood (artist rendering)
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AN ENTIRE METAL BAND
Axel Beard
Dave Beard
Thor Prohaska
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SOUNDS LIKE THE NOISE AN OLD MAN MAKES WHEN HE GETS UP FROM A CHAIR THAT IS TOO LOW TO THE GROUND
Jarrod Bleijie
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DEFINITELY HAS AT LEAST FOUR BUTLERS
Noel Castley-Wright
Charles Warringham
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MOST RUDE
Sean Choat
Sam Cox
BJ Davidson
Aaron Deecke
Cameron Dick
Jason Dickson
Steve Dickson
Jonathan Dykyj
James Mac Anally
Gary Pead
Jeanette Sackley
Jason Woodforth
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MOST PAINFUL
Sid Cramp
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OWNER OF THE WORLD’S GREATEST SURNAME AND SHOULD BE RESPECTED
Bruce Currie
Bruce Currie, the man with a surname you can trust.
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PROBABLY A FAMOUS SPORTSPERSON
Jack Dempsey
Jim Madden
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BEST MARRIED CRIME-FIGHTING DUO FROM THE GRITTY YET ACCESSIBLE TV SHOW “HARD AS DIAMOND”
Anita Diamond
Bruce Diamond
Anita and Bruce Diamond, celebrating another case solved from the comfort of their cruise ship bedroom. (image via ew.com)
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UNUSUAL PROFESSIONS
Di Farmer
Ian Walker
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CONTAINS AN ANIMAL
Marcus Finch
Paul Swan
Michael Trout
Susan Wolf
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DEFINITELY A STAR WARS PLANET
Marcus Foth
The mysterious yet inviting planet of Marcus Foth. (image via nationalgeographic.com)
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NEEDS THE MOST SUNSCREEN
Deb Frecklington
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WANTS YOU TO DO THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THEIR NAME SAYS
Dale Last
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MOST LIKELY TO TAKE A SIDE IN A GANG WAR
Andrew Cripps
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MOST MISOGYNIST
Clive Mensink
Jane Power
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THE SAME NAME TWICE
Grace Grace
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GREAT SIGHTSEEING DESTINATIONS
Reg Gulley
Lindsay Temple
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NO RELATION
Helen Hunt
Adam Obeid
Anthony Shorten
This is not the Helen Hunt that is running for QLD political office. But imagine if it was? (image via wikimedia.com)
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MOST LIKELY TO BE A FUTURE CELEBRITY CHEF
Curtis Pitt
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MID-90s COMPUTER COMPANIES
Linus Power
Dan Van Blarcom
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PART OF A DELICIOUS BREAKFAST
Benedict Figueroa
Jonathon Scoones
A Benedict Figueroa is a delicious and healthy start to any election day. (image via tablespoon.com)
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MOST SIMILAR TO SOMETHING YOU’D SAY AFTER DENTAL SURGERY
Seath Holswich
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TWO FIRST NAMES
Jeremy Davey
Alex Douglas
Ken Elliot
Steven Miles
John Martin
Louise Ryan
Mark Ryan
Scott Stewart
Alexandra Todd
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MOST AGAINST ALPHABETICAL LISTINGS
Angela Zyla
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BONUS MOUSTACHE CONTENT: This bloke
Congratulations @PalmerUtdParty Queensland election candidate for Hinchinbrook, Martin Brewster. Vote 1 Palmer United pic.twitter.com/4CzpWy1tVI
— Palmer United Party (@PalmerUtdParty) January 13, 2015
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Christopher Currie is a writer from Brisbane. His next novel, ‘Clancy of the Undertow’ will be published October 2015 through Text Publishing. He tweets @furioushorses