News

Please Enjoy My Illogical Explanations For The Mystery Metal Object In WA

If this is 'Oppenheimer' marketing I'm going to be very upset.

by Merryana Salem  21 July 2023

Want more Junkee in your life? Sign up to our newsletter, and follow us on Instagram and Facebook so you always know where to find us.

Someone call Mulder and Scully, because an unidentified object washed up on a Western Australian beach this week and no one knows what it is. 

On Sunday, a mysterious coppery object washed up on the beach at Green Head, 250km north of Perth. After emergency services deemed the two-metre-tall object was not hazardous, Police had still been guarding it round the clock. Until this week, that is, when it was moved to a confidential location.  

The Australian Space Agency tweeted that they believe the object could be from a foreign space launch vehicle, and were in talks with their global counterparts. In an update published on Wednesday they said the strange object is, “most likely a solid rocket motor casing,” but its origin and type are still being investigated.  

Now the more official theories are out of the way, it’s tin foil hat time. And as someone who grew up on a steady TV diet of Doctor Who, The X-Files, and Round the Twist, it’s time for me to shine. 

Here are three possible theories about what it is we could be dealing with…

Marketing For Oppenheimer 

Hear me out: we’ve seen some rogue marketing for movies and TV lately. Does anyone else remember the crazy clowns campaign for the It films? Or Stranger Things’ portal to the Upside Down on Bondi Beach? Airbnb even splashed out on a real-life Malibu Dream House for Barbie earlier this month.

Related
What The 'Barbie' Vs 'Oppenheimer' Rivalry Leaves Out

So, how unlikely is it that on the week of its global release — the Oppenheimer marketing team decided to go all in? Sure, the object could be space debris, and judging from the barnacles and rust, it’s been submerged in the ocean for a long stretch of time. 

But Debris is debris. I’ve always said that. You know what else has debris? Atomic bombs. Who’s to say this Oppenheimer‘s marketing team didn’t put in some serious forward planning? Hatch an elaborate plan in 2019 for a huge metal cylinder to wash up on a coast in Australia several years later? I would not put it past them.

SS Waratah

Australia’s own Titanic went missing in July of 1909 — the passenger cargo ship vanished off the coast of South Africa while making its way back to Adelaide, and was never found. Perhaps…. until now? 

Look, I was so bad at geography my teacher personally requested that I stop doing it after Year 10. However, unless I am mistaken, the closest Australian coast to South Africa from Australia is Western, right? And it would probably take 100 years or so for a hunk of wrecked ship junk to hitch a current back to Oz, right? Makes you think… right?

Harold Holt

Not a day goes by where I don’t think about Harold Holt, the Prime Minister who went for a swim in 1967 and never returned. “Where are you, Harold?” I sometimes whisper to myself in the dead of night, hoping one day our lost PM will hear me through the ether and give us closure once and for all. 

As we know, Holt’s body was never found. Speculation involving everything from assassination attempts to international kidnapping to enemy spy submarine espionage has been on the table.

So how far-fetched is it, really, that this two-metre long metal container isn’t Harold Holt’s retro stasis chamber? I mean, has anyone proven otherwise?

Respectfully, if Harold is in the cylinder, he may be better off staying inside. The last thing we need right now is another MP labouring under the impression it’s still the 1960s. Plus, rent prices in Perth right now? The numbers would alarm him. 

Anyway, let’s all agree that the object is probably one of these things. But for official and verified updates on the object, follow the Australian Space Agency on Twitter. Remember, comrades: the truth is out there. And so, I believe, is Harold Holt.