Gaming

“Where Are Wario’s Nipples?“: The Internet Demands Answers

A recent trailer for Nintendo's upcoming game Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games Tokyo 2020 has sparked debate over the existence of Wario's nipples.

by Amanda Yeo  3 September 2019
Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games Tokyo 2020 shirtless Wario Wario's Nipples

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In September 2017, Nintendo unveiled an image that changed the world forever. Released to promote their then-upcoming game Super Mario Odyssey, the picture showed intrepid plumber Mario frolicking on a sunny beach.

This behaviour was not out of character. Mario is a jolly man, with a tendency to “yahoo” his way through even the most precarious situations. Kicking up sand along a seashore was perfectly in line with what we know of him. In fact, it would have been an entirely unremarkable image if not for one simple fact.

Mario was shirtless, revealing the existence of his Nintendo-official nipples to the world.

The revelation that Mario had nipples shook people to their core. It was not a scenario most had ever turned their minds to, much less thought to envisage. Confronted by the truth of their hero’s fleshy nubbins, few were equipped to deal with it.

But deal with it we did. The community banded together, supporting and helping each other through 2017’s unexpected nipple crisis. It was a difficult time, filled with confused conjecture and more questions than answers. Yet we weathered the storm, emerging stronger, wiser and still weirded out, but at least at peace with it.

Unfortunately, it is the nature of history that it repeats. And now, two years later, Nintendo’s nipples have come for us once more.

In a recently released trailer for upcoming game Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games Tokyo 2020, Mario’s evil counterpart Wario is shown standing on the first-place podium after having won an aquatic event. Confetti rains down as he waves at the crowd, flanked by Dr Eggman and Silver the Hedgehog.

And he is shirtless.

We’ve had two years to acclimatise to the hard truth of Mario’s areola, and draw unhappy but inevitable conclusions. If Mario had nipples, it was probable that his nemesis Wario had them as well. We braced for it, to a degree. Thus, if faced with traditional teats, fans might have been able to handle it with resigned despair.

However, it seems Nintendo want to keep us on our toes. This time, we were not granted the comparative mercy of deep unsettlement regarding Wario’s neat pectoral caps. Instead, bafflement has run rife at their apparent absence.

While Dr Eggman beside him has clearly defined nips, Wario’s chest appears at first glance to be but a smooth expanse of undulating flesh, unmarked by nipular presence.

Concerned fans have put forward theories as to where Wario’s cherrilets may have gone, with few willing to entertain the idea they never existed. Others contend that, like God, the nipples are there if you look close enough. Indeed, a more scrutinising examination of Wario’s chest reveals slight discolouration, smokey whispers of areola lacking peaks.

Even so, the ephemeral nature of Wario nipples is glaringly disturbing in light of both Mario and Dr Eggman’s more pronounced features. These dreamed memories of teats are so weak that it would be right to question if they can even be called nipples, like a hot dog to a sandwich.

This world is a difficult, upsetting place, full of unsolvable problems and troubling truths. If believing in Wario’s ghost nipples brings comfort to some, please be kind. Let them believe it.

Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games Tokyo 2020 is scheduled for release on Nintendo Switch on November 8.