Life Advice From A Very Real Doctor: Valentine’s Day Edition
"Help me Doc! I think I’m in love with a furry! What do I do?"
Welcome to Ask Someone Smarter Than You, Junkee’s practical advice column for clever people who need mental, spiritual, career, sex, and dating advice from someone insanely qualified in reading books.
I’m Emma. I’m a very real doctor. And I’m here to help YOU.
First things first. I’ve been advised by my very real lawyers that I cannot call myself a doctor.
I am not a medical health professional. To that I say: I am but a humble conduit through which very real life advice flows, and the fact that I have a doctorate in literature is a mere coincidence.
Due to my possibly misleading credentials, many people have come to me in times of need both IRL and on Twitter, and I have dispensed practical advice to soothe their souls — like a store, one might say.
A practical advice store.
If my smart person certificate is meaningless to you, rest assures that I am also a Capricorn and really that’s all the qualifications anyone should need to tell people how to live their lives.
This week, its Valentine’s Day! Accordingly, I have chosen to focus on questions about love. The big one. That almighty stumper of a question. What is it? Where do I find it? I have lost mine, can I have yours? And so on.
Love is notorious undefinable and largely immune to practical advice, but I really am a doctor and I really am determined to solve the unsolvable and to advise on the inadvisable.
So, I took to Twitter and here’s the questions that I was asked.
I’ve Got Crushes On Hundreds Of People
“I have so many love problems. As in, I’ve got no love!
I’ve got crushes on hundreds of people but I have never spoken to most of them. Why do i expect a crush to come and find me in my bedroom that I never leave?”
From — Endless Worries
Crushes. Feel. Good.
Sure they’re chaotic and uncertain but holy hell it feels good to like someone, even from a distance.
Excessive crushing is not the problem here. It shows me that you are open to connections, to building relationships, and that you are ready to let someone into your life. Damn, that’s a good place to be!
The problem also isn’t with never leaving your bedroom. You don’t have to leave your room to meet people, or make friends, or turn a crush into something more thanks to the expedient convergence of IRL and online. Sure you’re in your bedroom, but in another more practical way, you’re also everywhere.
Endless Worries, you only have one tiny problem: initiating.
If you like someone, message them. Slide into their DMs. Start a conversation. Afraid of being left on read? Don’t be! That’s just water and you’re a big powerful strong duck’s back!
Take a chance. Someone has to take that first step, so why not you?
The Lukewarm Tyranny Of Distance
“Dear Doc,
I am still hung up on someone who is far away. They have expressed what I would describe as lukewarm feelings bordering actual feelings (which, fair enough, given the circumstances). Do I have to cut them off, at least until we’re in the same city again?”
From, Distance Dilemma
Ding ding ding! My ears are being caressed by the gentle tinkling of alarm bells.
That you cannot say for certain if this person is committed to you, or intending to commit to you when you get back, or even if they have strong feelings for you at all troubles me!
Yes, long distance romance is gut-wrenchingly difficult even under ideal circumstances, and it’s ok to feel pained when you are separated from those you care about.
However. And this is a big HOWEVER. I do not think your situation will be resolved by being in the same city. This is a deeper communication issue. This lack of transparency about phantom feelings is a recipe for misunderstanding, mistrust, and heartbreak.
That your feelings for this person are so entangled with uncertainty is cruel. And until there is clear communication, it will remain cruel.
So, my practical advice is this: if you are hung up on this person to the degree that it is interfering with your ability to have fun, be confident, and explore new opportunities (romantic or otherwise) while you are away, then you owe it to yourself to cut them off.
Sex Is Fine, But Not Great
“Dear Doc,
I just started seeing someone new, and on paper it’s a great match.
We like all the same weird things and enjoy spending our time in the same ways — but I can’t seem to kickstart my heart into having any feelings. I just feel kinda meh about it.
Sex is fine, but not great. Conversation is nice, but not great. I don’t know if I should wait and see if it gets better, or end it. But I don’t want to end it because technically nothing has gone wrong at all!
Is the problem with me, and not the relationship?
From, Two Minds.”
This scenario, at first glance, looks like a special kind of catastrophe where there’s smoke but no fire.
You’re looking for the fire — the spark of a promising future with your partner, or the flame of a red flag that will give you permission to end it for good — but there’s nothing, just dense smoke.
Let’s open a window and clear the air.
“Nothing has gone wrong”, you say? But something has gone wrong.
Not having romantic feelings for the person you are freshly dating definitely counts as something going wrong in my books. You don’t need something to go cataclysmically wrong to feel justified in ending a relationship.
Not to be all ~you’re valid~ but Two Minds, you are VALID. Your feelings (or lack thereof) are reason enough.
If you are truly undecided, and not just avoiding the inevitable, then set yourself a time limit — say, one month. If you have no strong bubbly chemistry-like feelings by that point you should end it.
But, I suspect your heart is already made up. Don’t waste your time with meh!
P.S: Maybe this new partner, who likes all the same weird things but with who the sex is disappointingly ‘fine’, is in fact a friend instead?
I Think I’m In Love With A Furry
“Help me Doc! I think I’m in love with a furry! What do I do?”
From, I Don’t Like Furries
Does being a furry hurt anyone? No.
Are you being coerced into becoming a furry yourself? Not to my knowledge.
Are you obliged to share what you do in the bedroom with anyone else, thereby risking embarrassment or alienation from your peers? No.
And I advise you not to unless you have the full consent of anyone involved in your nefarious doings, yiffing or otherwise.
Who cares! Love is love!
Take it from me, someone who is proudly not NOT a furry: accepting what your partner is into, making room for change in your relationship, and maintaining open communication really makes my tail wag and I hope it makes yours wag, too!
Need advice? The Practical Advice Store will be open again soon! In the meantime, you can get in touch with the proprietor, Emma, on Twitter @ed_jenko and ask for practical advice!