The idea that Christmas is the most delicious holiday on the calendar is a lie. This notion that Christmas food is not just edible but actually appetising is so pervasive and deeply offensive that I would actually blame it on fake news if it didn’t already predate that.

I mean, it’s fine. We tell each other all sorts of lies in life. When I was 14 a hairdresser gave me thick blonde foils that looked like putrid mustard oil slicks at strange intervals on my head. “It looks great!” she said. “Sure does!” I said. Lies are necessary to keep the human race going.

However, I’m sick of lying about gross Christmas food and given that today is Festivus, it’s time to air my grievances.

Here are the most trash Christmas foods of all time, I’m not sorry.

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#9 Brussels Sprouts

Okay, I’m going to be frank with you here: brussels sprouts aren’t always bad. But the only way they’re not bad is when they’re used as a canvas for other things, so by the end of the process they don’t even resemble a sprout anymore. For instance, coating brussels sprouts in oil and bacon grease immediately makes them 100 percent more edible.

If you can still taste the sprout, then you haven’t cooked it properly. If the sprout retains it’s natural texture and flavour, you have actually failed as a cook. What is the point of these foul orbs?

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#8 Candy Canes

Candy canes are the type of holiday treat that you feel like you should enjoy, and then when you don’t it feels like you’ve failed as a functioning, well-adjusted human. Not taking a candy cane when it’s offered makes you seem less fun and if I know anything about humans, it’s that everyone likes to pretend that they’re carefree when in actuality only 3 percent of the world’s population are really so. Candy canes are responsible for existential crises.

They never taste like actual peppermint, they get stuck so deep in the crevices of your teeth that you’re still finding bits of hard white lolly in your mouth mid-January and I’m sorry, if a food is so durable you can also use them as tree decorations, it probably shouldn’t be consumed.

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#7 Parsnips

Does anyone actually eat parsnip at any other time of year? I don’t care what Jamie Oliver says, this turd of a vegetable has no place next to potatoes or pumpkins or sweet potatoes (sometimes I actually wonder if he gets paid by the British government to shill for unpopular vegetables). I can’t tell you how many parsnips I’ve pretended to eat in my lifetime.

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#6 Seafood

I know this is super unpopular, but the concept of seafood has never appealed to me. I think it’s the vagueness of the term, like it could just include all manner of crabs and bugs hanging out in their own filth on the sea floor, scooped up and chucked on a Christmas platter with a wedge of lemon. I can’t stand the faces of the prawns. I can’t stand the tentacles. It reminds me of when in The Little Mermaid Ursula just starts slurping down every sea snail in her wake.

(I’m not even a vegetarian, I’m just an idiot.)

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#5 Panettone

Italian person #1: “Hey let’s make a nice cake to be enjoyed at Christmas, but one that is as inaccessible as possible.”

Italian person #2: “Oooh, liking this. Let’s chuck as many bitter fruits as we possibly can in there.”

Italian person #1: “Yes! And we’ll make it like super dense, so dense that it kind of feels like you’re choking on cotton wool.”

Italian person #2: “Love it.”

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#4 Marzipan 

Just, no.

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#3 Mince Pies

Genuine question: have you ever met someone under the age of 60 who likes mince pies? Does something happen to your taste buds as you get older that makes you more receptive to the unique flavour of dried fruit and spices?

This is the only explanation I can think of for the continued production of mince pies, the most offensive of pies.

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#2 Egg Nog

We don’t get much egg nog in Australia, which is lucky, but it means that we’re all more curious about this mystery beverage than we should be. It is quite literally an egg milk drink. With alcohol in it. Like a thick, eggy custard full of rum that you’re meant to sip like a normal drink.

I tried it so you don’t have to, don’t do it.

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#1 Christmas Pudding

Christmas pudding is unequivocally the most trash Christmas food. As we’ve previously established, fruit has no place in desserts. It has the consistency of a boiled, slimy brick. Not even custard can mask its foul taste.

Basically, if drenching it in brandy and then lighting it on fire doesn’t get rid of it, it means that this is the devil’s food and it should never ever be eaten. Merry Christmas!