Tony Abbott Is Spending A Buttload Of Taxpayer Cash On Bombproof BMWs Because Fuck You, That’s Why

We all know times are tough. That’s why this year’s proposed budget is so harsh: funding to the ABC and SBS is being slashed, health and education funding is being cut to the tune of $80 billion, and unemployed people under thirty are going to have to go without Newstart for six months at a time and avoid eating parts of their own flesh.

It may come as a joyous surprise, therefore, to learn that Tony Abbott has just ordered a fleet of high-security, bombproof luxury BMWs worth $6.2 million.

The BMW Security Vehicles Series is a specially-built range of cars designed to withstand violent attacks from armed assailants. They come in three levels of security — “street crime”, “organised crime” and the High Security model, which we’re getting and guarantees protection against “attacks with explosive devices and armour-piercing weapons” — and retail at a cool $525,000 a pop. Half a million bucks each. That’s what you’d pay for a home in some magical, far-off land where Boomers who watch The Block haven’t driven house prices into the stratosphere.

The cars are being ordered for the G20 summit in Brisbane this November, where they will ferry world leaders like Barack Obama and Angela Merkel around. The High Security model’s description notes that the cars come with “optimised armour plates” that are “made from an incredibly strong special steel, and fit the bodywork of the car like a second skin”, which should keep the leaders of the free world safe as they withstand relentless bombardment from the swarms of ISIS rebels currently hiding out in the inner suburbs of fucking Brisbane.

The High Security model also features adjustable seat temperatures, including “cool air being blown at the body through perforations in the leather,” and an optional massage function in the rear seat headrests. Other optional extras include a gold-plated cigar holder, a chauffeur made of truffles and and a big steel cow-catcher to plow through protesters and poor people like a brunch-drunk soccer mum through a crowd of schoolkids on Bronte Road.

Reporting on the purchase, the Daily Telegraph made hash of the fact that BMW won the contract to renew Australia’s fleet of security vehicles ahead of Holden, because we prefer our hideously wasteful One Percenter white elephants to be home-grown, thank you very much. The Tele notes that one of these cars “helped save the life of a Sri Lankan politician in 2006”, which is fantastic. That fact is also relevant because in 2006 Sri Lanka was in the middle of a civil war — an unhappy circumstance which, you may note, is not currently being played out anywhere in Australia.

That hasn’t stopped the federal and Queensland state governments from preparing for the G20 as though it’s meeting in the North Korean demilitarized zone. During the summit huge swathes of inner Brisbane are being declared “red zones”; tens of thousands of locals who live inside these zones won’t be allowed to leave or enter their own houses, huge segments of road will be regularly shut down for passing motorcades, and getting around the city on public transport will become slightly more convenient since several major train stations and bus terminals are being closed for the duration. People inside the red zone will also be prohibited from carrying a large range of items, like big signs, water pistols, flotation devices, kites and eggs, because the price of safety is eternal vigilance and nutbag, frothing-at-the-mouth paranoia.

The Prime Minister’s office has justified purchasing the new vehicles on security grounds, saying that “the existing armoured vehicle fleet is ageing and needs to be replaced”. That makes a lot of sense, except the part where it doesn’t make any sense at all. Armoured BMWs aren’t like warships or fighter jets; you don’t need to constantly build and buy newer ones to keep up with other countries. In this context “ageing” doesn’t mean “becoming unsafe or obsolete”; it means “I’d like a couple of flatscreens in my taxpayer-funded land-yacht”.

The PM’s office also noted that the cars would have their uses beyond the G20’s two-day lifespan, announcing that “after the G20, they will be placed around Australia and used as security transport for federal ministers, visiting foreign heads of state and senior foreign dignitaries”.

Perfect! Because there’s nothing Treasurer and Man Of The People Joe Hockey needs more than a ton of blastproof luxury.Have fun getting to all those media announcements about budget cuts to services that help poor people in style, Joe!

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Feature image via BMW.