The ‘Today’ Show’s Attempt To Copy The ‘Sunrise’ Cash Cow Is A Horrifying Nightmare
Cash Cow or Kash Koala?
Move over Sunrise Cash Cow, there’s a new breakfast television animal mascot that gifts money to random people for some reason coming to town!
In case you aren’t a regular viewer of commercial breakfast TV, there’s a tradition where both Seven’s Sunrise and Nine’s Today ring up unsuspecting Australians and give them money if they answer the phone within three rings and say a particular catchphrase.
Occasionally this leads to awkward moments where viewers rung by Sunrise accidentally drop the Today catchphrase:
Both shows also have their own mascots that promote the cash giveaways. Sunrise, of course, has the famous Cash Cow.
Up until recently Today’s mascot was Blocky, a literal block of cash designed to cross-promote the network’s reality show, The Block.
Last week Blocky announced his sudden resignation from Today, in order to spend more time with “Mrs Blocky” (seriously).
.@BlockyOfCash has a heartbreaking announcement… #9Today pic.twitter.com/GEEgfp8XME
— The Today Show (@TheTodayShow) June 29, 2017
That left Today without a mascot for its cash giveaways, which is scandalous tbh.
Thankfully, this morning Today announced the launch of a new “mascot search” campaign. The show unveiled four potential new mascots to compete with the Cash Cow, and is giving viewers the chance to decide which one it will be.
Who will be the next TODAY Show mascot?! Have your vote here: https://t.co/dX4qrmLgt4 #9Today pic.twitter.com/TrJpBquMzd
— The Today Show (@TheTodayShow) July 2, 2017
Each of the potential new mascots has an official backstory, and all are deeply cooked for unique reasons, so let’s get to know them a bit better.
Pay Panda
Official bio: “From the remote bamboo forests of the Northern Territory, she comes from humble beginnings and knows the value of money!”
Our take: Why has Today invented “remote bamboo forests of the Northern Territory”? Is it because the show’s audience is so hostile to migrants that they couldn’t cop a Chinese animal? So they had to invent this absurd backstory to imply it’s a local, Aussie panda instead? That’s mad.
Also, how does this panda know the “value of money”? What experiences has it had in the wild bamboo forests of the NT that have taught it financial literacy? I’m not into this one, sorry.
Kash Koala
Official bio: “If you like cute and fury then this mascot is for you! Kash Koala loves the good old gum tree and he’s an Aussie through and through!”
Our take: Ok first up, I think they mean “furry”. But seriously, why are we on this weird “Aussie” schtick again? First we erase the panda’s heritage, now we’re ramming home how Australian the koala is? Of course he’s Australian, he’s a fucking koala.
We’ve also got to acknowledge the lazy name. It’s like Today wanted to steal the Cash Cow thing, but couldn’t think of another suitable animal starting with ‘C’ so they went with kash and picked the koala. No stars.
Cash-A-Roo
Official bio: “She leaps ahead of her competitors and has a pouch of plenty!”
Our take: Get fucked.
Piggy Bank
Official bio: “He’s plump, he’s cute and he’s ready to bring home bacon!”
Our take: Props to Today for actually coming up with a money pun for this one. But it’s kinda messed up that they’re talking about bacon… a product produced by slaughtering pigs, like the mooted mascot.
The obvious problem Today has is that all of these mascots are terrible, and it looks like a desperate attempt to mimic the well-known Cash Cow. So what’s the alternative?
My colleague Sam came up with the ‘Cashowary’ within a few minutes, which, frankly, is orders of magnitude better than any of the above.
But if Today really wanted a mascot that summed up the commercial breakfast TV experience there’s an obvious choice: Pauline Hanson. They already love her, and maybe if they give her the job of showering the public with money they’ll stop wheeling her out to talk rubbish in the aftermath of tragic terrorist attacks.