This Is What It’s Like To Go To The Oscars With Jennifer Lawrence
J-Law's best friend wrote an essay about the whole experience. It's as incredible as you'd imagine.
You know those great dreams you have, where you and Jennifer Lawrence are casually lounging by some pool in Los Angeles in fancy ballgowns, getting smashed on lychee martinis and shooting the shit about how much you love Chandler Bing? That’s actually not too far from the truth.
Over the weekend, Laura Simpson — J-Law’s best friend and date to last week’s Academy Awards (and, perhaps more importantly, the actual person who J-Law goofily fell all over while stepping onto the red carpet) — wrote a hilarious essay about what it’s like to go to the Oscars with Jennifer Lawrence. Weirdly, she wrote about the entire experience on MySpace. Apparently, MySpace has words on it now? Whatever. Pee queue chats with Margot Robbie, shots with J-Law’s dad, flirty dancing with Bill Murray… You couldn’t dream up this shit.
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On how someone becomes friends with J-Law:
“How did I get invited to the 86th Academy Awards, you ask? Well, my best friend took me as her date. I met her seven years ago at an event where we both didn’t know a single person. We hit it off over a mutual respect for Chandler Bing, and we’ve been eating pizza together ever since.”
Chandler Bing and pizza? Who else is thinking, ‘It could’ve been me!’?
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On J-Law eating shit:
“We finally arrive at the red carpet and as we exit the car, my date eats shit and uses my freshly done Lauren Conrad up do to break her fall. The crowd goes wild. There are flashbulbs and people circling yet no one asks if I need any help because unless you are famous at the Oscars, you are completely invisible. The only time anyone talks to you is if you are in the way of his or her photo. Oh and photographers on the carpet yell ‘YOU IN THE HUGE DRESS, GET OUT OF THE FUCKING SHOT.’ It’s incredible. It is no wonder actors are crazy.”
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On getting hammered with J-Law’s dad:
“After waiting for my date’s category, her dad and I decide to hit the bar and just watch from the monitor behind the bar and slam a few drinks to make this tolerable. The Academy really needs to spring for more hors d’oeuvres options because now everyone is hammered. My date comes out after her category and we decide to watch the rest of the show in the greenroom where there is pizza.”
Holy shit, all J-Law does is eat pizza. Who else is thinking ‘It could’ve been me!’ again?
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On smelling Brad Pitt:
“After the show, we go backstage where I meet Brad and Angelina. Brad Pitt smells amazing, like nothing I’ve ever smelled. Eventually we ask what cologne he’s wearing and he tells us, ‘I don’t wear cologne, it’s just my musk I guess.’ I have to choose not to believe him because it would just be unfair to mankind. Angelina is gorgeous and elegant and they are like The Sun and The Moon.”
Shut the fuck up, Brad Pitt.
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On being awesomely hit on by Bill Murray:
“The show ends and we’re ready to party. We can’t enjoy ourselves because everyone, whether they know my date or not, has some weird story they just NEED to tell her as they stand in front of me pushing me out of the circle. I get tired of this and decide to follow Bill Murray around the party. At one point, he looks in my direction and winks at me while dancing to ‘If You Want My Body And You Think I’m Sexy’ by Rod Stewart — a moment, I now realize, my whole life had been leading up to.”
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Geez, your J-Law dreams seem kinda lame now, don’t they?