The Seven Reviews You Meet On Urbanspoon

I love Urbanspoon reviews.

I love the way that people pour themselves into capturing the depth of their despair when the waiter was rude, when their dumplings were too doughy, when people were talking too loudly in their vicinity.

I love it when people go all Gertrude Stein, and unleash their avant-garde literary experiments. I love the sense of entitlement, as if a middle class indulgence were a basic human right, and I love the way that reviewers seem to genuinely believe that they are performing a public service, warning unsuspecting peers of the would-be tyrants that lurk behind seemingly harmless suburban shopfronts.

Some say they’re simply a way to help others decide what restaurant to eat at; that these reviews merely provide an overview of the dining experience. Those people are wrong. Urbanpoon reviews are a microcosm, a teeming universe with all the richness of a GTAV side mission, or a subplot involving Frank Costanza and Morty Seinfeld.

With all that in mind, we thought we’d offer an introduction, a preview of the different experiences that await the intrepid Spooner.

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1. “We went to the place and we got the things and we consumed the things and then we…”

Some Urbanspoon reviews unfold with the dramatic narrative sweep of Wuthering Heights. Others let the facts speak for themselves, at length, saying very little. No detail too small! No embellishment necessary!

For instance, username ‘Bean there done that’ had this to say of Collingwood’s De Clieu, in a review entitled We had coffee:

It’s all here: go to De Clieu for coffee. Your coffee won’t require sugar, but it might smell different if you do decide to get sugar. Expect people. Don’t expect a biscuit. Consider yourself forewarned.

The similarly fact-oriented ‘Tina’ was scarred by her brush with the Carlton’s Animal Orchestra:

“I was refused service!”

Yes you were, Tina. Yes you were.

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2. “And another thing!”

There is a special, ranty subset of reviewers that tend to exaggerate the injustices they’ve suffered until they match the outsized dimensions of their anger. This tendency explains why the aggrieved Urbanspoon reviewer doesn’t stop until they are sure they’ve covered every square inch of a restaurant in their vitriol. If this means having a pop at not only the food and the service, but the cutlery, the condition of the toilet, the physical attractiveness of the staff and the way they stack their carboard boxes, so be it.

‘Bittersweet’ visited CBD restaurant Coda, and made it very clear that “a disabled toilet with some Aesop soap to jazz it up” just isn’t good enough. Among other things.

‘Herin’, meanwhile, wants everyone to know that Roti Boti doesn’t deserve your business. He’s not playing. At first, he only uses ALL caps in SURPRISING and arbitrary BURSTS, or when referring to the LADY “OWNER” (who ever even HEARD of such a thing?).

Eventually though, the dam bursts, and it’s PURE, UNBRIDLED, ALL CAP RAGE. Behold:

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3. “As a father of three with a software development business and a receding hairline, I enjoyed the custard tart”

When choosing a restaurant, I like to know what sort of person is offering me anonymous advice. Luckily, the friendly denizens of Urbanspoon aren’t shy about uncovering a little personal background to contextualise their opinions.

‘Antony a’ had a much better experience than ‘Herin’ at Roti Boti, and clearly establishes his credentials when it comes to how a good restaurant ought to smell. I mean, this guy’s not just Ordinary Joe Septum off the street:

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4. “I approve of the racial balance within this establishment’s clientele”

You know how you can tell a good Asian people restaurant? Because of all the Asian people eating the Asian people food in the Asian people restaurant.

‘boccadellavera’ is a keen eugenicist, amateur anthropologist and an approving diner of the Purple Sands in Camberwell. ‘boccadellavera’ is also a firm believer in the Asian to Anglo 3:1 “metric” (and a firm believer in applying antiseptic middle-management speak to all facets of life).

Sadly, studies have shown that second-generation Chinese do not share their parents’ ability to distinguish between disappointing and non-disappointing duck pancakes. Multiculturalism has failed.

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5. “If you disagree with me, I’ll remove a portion of your frontal lobe”

Aggression is good! It’s how you show that you’re really serious. ‘The Intrepid Buds’ really likes CBD café Brother Baba Budan. They really like it. Pity the poor soul who disagrees.

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6. “My voucher didn’t grant me transcendence and this is bullshit and… *sniff*”

It’s always a surprise when a voucher doesn’t function as a gateway to gastronomic bliss. You’re a grown-up and you should really know better, but a self-respecting Spooner won’t let that that stop them from taking it personally when this inevitability inevitably occurs.

‘Rainbow’ had a similar problem with Tokyo Teppanyaki.

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7. “It was a dark and stormy night…”

And finally come the Spooners who just can’t resist the urge to explore their literary impulses. ‘The Intrepid Buds’ is a repeat offender in the bizarre review stakes, and here they offer a…well, just read it:

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Edward Sharp-Paul is a freelance writer and drink-pourer from Melbourne, who has written for FasterLouder, Mess+Noise, Beat and The Brag. He also runs his mouth off under the cunning alias @e_sharppaul.