The Future Is Here, Pole-Dancing Robots Will Rule The World
Robots are taking ALL the jobs.
The weather’s fucked, meteors keep constantly near-missing the globe, and hoverboards are still a lie, but at least your erotic future looks promising. Creepy scientists have already got you covered when it comes to magic dildos and weird underpants that make it feel like someone’s tickling your privates, and now they’ve taken things to an insane new level — the future is here, and it’s filled with robot strippers.
(Obviously, you need to play Tyga’s ‘Rack City’ in another tab to get the full effect of that GIF). The pole-dancing robots were unveiled at the CeBIT computer expo in Hanover over the weekend. “We got the idea three years ago,” said Crazy German Engineer from Tobit Software, the tech company responsible for this ridiculous breakthrough. “We bought these pole-dancing girls, and then we changed them a little bit to make them more interesting. We changed them to get more colour, and we changed them to get bigger breasts,” he added, not at all creepily.
Good one, Binkie McFartnuggets. According to the BBC, the robots are already on sale. All you need is $39,500 and a life of crushing loneliness. Meanwhile, I’ve had an incredible idea for some Jetsons/Showgirls slash fiction: George loses his job at Spacely Space Sprockets, the family has to let Rosie go, and now she’s earning big bucks on the chorus line of Goddess. It will be my masterpiece.