The Five Most Surprisingly Large Penises On Television

There is a veritable feast of content out there for fans of high-brow, sophisticated television fare.

This list is about none of that.

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Ned Flanders from The Simpsons

The Simpson family’s polite, buttoned-down neighbour has a killer bod, as revealed when he ripped off his shirt in a Streetcar Named Desire-themed episode, showing off a pair of nips that refuse to quit. Similarly, it seems he has a tadpole torpedo to match. In the Season 11 episode “Alone Again, Natura-Diddily”, when Homer sneaks up on Ned in the shower while filming a dating video, his pixelated peen just keeps going and going. It’s a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment, but somehow fitting for Flanders. It’s always the ones you least expect, right?

Jerry Gergich from Parks & Recreation

Jerry Gergich is the butt of constant scorn in the Pawnee Parks Department, and when he’s not splitting his pants in front of the whole office, he’s suffering crippling attacks of flatulence. In spite of all this, Jerry goes through life blissfully happy and contented. Why? His gifts in the trouser department may explain a thing or two. “That man has the largest penis I’ve ever seen,” says a dumbfounded doctor, after a routine physical examination. From that day on, Jerry’s ankle spanker is the stuff of local legend.

Tony Soprano from The Sopranos

Loveable gangster Tony Soprano may be the best-endowed guy on this whole list: his penis was a whopping 47 feet long. Unfortunately for him, it wasn’t actually connected to his anatomy in any way. Tony’s boat was called ‘The Stugots’, which, in southern Italian dialect, loosely translates to ‘this dick’. Tony took a lot of his lady friends out on ‘The Stugots’ over the years – but was he bragging, or just compensating for something? His sister Janice was certainly packing, but that’s a whole other story.

Cyril Figgis from Archer

Life is not all that kind to would-be super spy, Cyril Figgis. His sometime girlfriend Lana Kane likes to ridicule and emasculate him, and the sexiest codename he can come up with is ‘El Contador’, or ‘The Accountant’. Still, the news ain’t all bad. When secretaries Cheryl and Pam go rifling through personnel files, they discover that the hapless Cyril once tried to claim penis reduction surgery on company health insurance. There are no confirmed sightings of his one-eyed wonder weasel, but 12 inches is a figure that has been thrown around.

Dennis Finch from Just Shoot Me

David Spade is the cockroach of the TV world: in spite of attempts to exterminate him, he just keeps on showing up in stuff. Just Shoot Me was Spade’s breakthrough role, where he played the annoying, horny guy Dennis; basically the blueprint of all the annoying, horny guys he would play in later years. In an early episode, several of the male staff from Blush Magazine gather around, impressed by the size of his purple-headed yoghurt flinger. It became a running joke in the series, but it never got any less creepy.

Bonus Peen: Little Donny from The Upright Citizens Brigade

In a heartbreaking public service announcement, The Upright Citizens Brigade introduced the world to Little Donny, a special boy suffering from a debilitating case of ‘Magnimus Obliviophallocytis’. In layman’s terms, Little Donny is unaware of his enormous penis. Familiar faces like Amy Poehler and Matt Besser appear in the video, but watch it at your peril… it’s pretty gross.

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Alasdair Duncan is an author, freelance writer and video game-lover who has had work published in Crikey, The Drum, The Brag, Beat, Rip It Up, The Music Network, Rave Magazine, AXN Cult and Star. Observer.