The Five Most Awkward Moments In Oscars History

The Oscars. Tinsletown’s night of nights. That annual eve where A-lister’s come together to act as if they’ve spent the previous 52-weeks calmly and effectively brokering world peace. Where award winners never expect to win and everyone else is just honoured to be nominated. Where veteran actors with bad knees are forced to join standing ovations at five-minute intervals, and Joaquin Phoenix must curb his urge to pack the Dolby Theatre with C4.

Yes, it’s almost time for the Academy to award their top honours (March 2), but let’s be frank: every year it’s the same, tired, overlong love-fest. Seeing who gets to grasp that bald, nude, gold-plated miniature man is never as interesting as when a celebrity does something out of the ordinary, or – even more enjoyably – makes a fool of themselves. With that in mind, here are some of the most iconic moments in the history of the Academy Awards.

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Marlon Brando Hasn’t Had Sexual Reassignment Surgery

Year: 1973

When master thespian and professional pain-in-the-widening-ass Marlon Brando was awarded the Best Actor statuette for his convincing speech impediment in Coppola’s The Godfather (1972), everyone suspected his acceptance speech would be anything but run-of-the-mill — but nobody expected the controversy he stirred up when he was absent from the ceremony and sent Indigenous American Sacheen Littlefeather to refuse the award, due to the Wounded Knee Incident.

Now, let’s be clear that the message was noble, and — due to the numbers that tune in to the telecast — helped raised awareness of the issue, but coming from a man renowned for his self-entitled, diva-esque behavior, I can’t help but think the moment was less about Littlefeather and more about BigBrando.

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Adrian Brody Becomes An Adulterer/Sexual Predator

Year: 2003

In 2002’s The Pianist, Adrian Brody proved he was more than just a prominent nose, and could shed the pounds with the best method-men. His gaunt, carb-deprived performance as Polish-Jewish composer was a master class in dangerous dieting, and the Academy recognised his ability to win The Biggest Loser by awarding him the best actor statuette.

Unfortunately, as with any rapid weight-loss regime, his nutrient-depleted brain thought it was a great idea to force himself upon his award’s presenter, Halle Berry: a married woman whose husband was seated in the audience. She might have slipped into impro-mode and gone along with the lip-lock, but with the millions watching at home, it’s not like she had a choice.

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Roberto Benigni Annoys The Hell Out Of The Cleaning Staff

Year: 1999

Occasionally, the Academy decides to acknowledge that foreigners are cute and cuddly enough to snag awards away from more serious, English-speaking actors, and in the case of Life is Beautiful’s Roberto Benigni, they must have quickly regretted using 1999 as the year to get all tokenistic.

Upon hearing his name announced for Best Actor, Benigni leapt into the air with the dexterity of a Cirque du Soleil acrobat, scuffing up the tops of seats and almost decapitating Jack Nicholson. I like to think it was Benigni’s way of waking up an audience from their half-sleep or, even better, an emphatic, balletic ‘fuck you’ to the condescending American industry that no doubt now refers to him as “that crazy Italian guy”.

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Sean Penn Makes Us Wonder How He Ever Starred In A Comedy

Year: 2005

If one was to draw a scale of A-listers you’d love/hate to wander into your house party, Bill Murray would (obviously) sit at one end and Sean Penn would weigh down the other. If there’s any actor that has disappeared up his own ass over the last few decades, it’s the former Ridgemont High student.

After host Chris Rock made a few light-hearted jibes at Jude Law’s expense — “You want Tom Cruise and all you get is Jude Law … Who is Jude Law? Why is he in every movie I have seen in the last four years? He’s in everything.” — Penn strolled on stage, and decided to use his stint as presenter to ever-so-earnestly answer Rock’s rhetorical question with a “Forgive my compromised sense of humour but I did want to answer our host’s question about who Jude Law is. He’s one of our finest actors.”

The audience’s reactions ranged from polite slow clapping to dumbfounded silence. Even recounting the situation makes me recoil in embarrassment.

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Cuba Gooding Jr. Acts Like A Meth Addict

Year: 1997

Remember Cuba Gooding Jr.? The actor who brought “show me the money” and “shoplift the pootie” into the collective consciousness, and now boasts the title of the King of Straight-to-DVD? Well, at some point he won an Oscar and — granted — his performance as the egomaniacal gridiron-player-with-a-heart-of-gold in Jerry Maguire (1996) was memorable for its energy and bravado. But his acceptance speech proved that the performance wasn’t really a performance at all — his OTT ravings demonstrating that Rod Tidwell was basically just Cuba being Cuba, and that the man should never leave the house without supervision.

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The 86th Academy Awards will be held on March 2 US time, screening March 3 in Australia.

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Ned Chigliak is a recent Masters graduate of AFTRS, majoring in screenwriting, which means he is now employable as a wiper-of-tables.