All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 9 Of ‘The Bachelorette’
at least its not election coverage?
Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s 2020 recaps of The Bachelorette Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelorette Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.
The fondness that I feel towards all of you, dear Het Nonsense Recap readers, must be akin to the bonds forged in the trenches of the world war 2. We don’t really know each other, we don’t really know any details about each other’s lives, but by god we’ve all gone through something horrible together.
Once we get out of all of this, we’ll probably never speak again — but we’ll have this connection, this love — because nobody else can understand what we’ve been through. Season 6 of The Bachelorette, the most boring season of TV imaginable.
Hi, I’m Patrick Lenton, and once I rubbed a lamp and got three wishes. I said “I don’t need even need three, just make me so beautiful and stupid that the pain of the world washes right over me, and I’m just a big happy idiot who knows nothing” and the genie got super depressed and didn’t do it. When I asked why, he said “because, you’re already the most beautiful and stupid man in the world, I can’t grant this wish! Another 3000 years in this lamp for me!”
Pictured: Patrick Lenton, after recapping 3 seasons of Bachy universe shows
Together with my fellow recapper and lesbian friend (just like a “normal” friend except the sexual tension is more palpable) Bec Shaw, we have recapped Bachelor In Paradise, The Bachelor, and The Bachelorette throughout this year, and we deserve a REST. Hell, we deserve the peace of the grave, frankly. Bury us in the llama field out the back of the Bachelor mansion, and let Osher dig us up again next year.
Anyway! Some of you might have noticed I didn’t recap last week — I thought i was busy, but somehow I managed to do this one while simultaneously running election coverage (All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During The US Presidential Election 2020), so clearly I was just weak.
It’s boring, I want this to be over, but as Ariana Grande once sung, one last time.
LEAST ANNOYING
Adam
My beautiful rock scientist, my chiselled ab-golem, my soil himbo.
This episode was YET ANOTHER hometowns — listen, hometowns are not great, don’t give us two of them. And to make matters worse, it was all over Zoom because of COVID and i’m bloody sick of it. Not the vibe! There’s a sparkling ray of somewhat terrifying hope at the end of a long traumatic tunnel that means my own zoom dating may soon be over, and I don’t want to be reminded by this tv show of the pain!!!!!
me, hysterical at the idea of change
Anyway, Adam’s family called Elly “Ally” the whole time, and it was very much the vibe. Who is anyone? Who are these women? Why do they take up so much space in my tiny cramped brain.
Then, our gorgeous awkward baby froze up and failed to do the patented hometowns “I love you” or even “I’m falling for you” or even “i’m well on the path to considering falling for you maybe one day”.
theres something about him
So, of course, Adam the dirt-wizard was booted in the rose ceremony. Bye. I loved this sweet abs boy. I don’t think there was any chemistry between him and Ally, but when has that stopped this season?
MOST ANNOYING
Adrian
It’s like 3am, and I just saw a slow-mo of Adrian, a steampunk magician, in a bouldering venue (idk what a bouldering place is called. Bouldering studio? bouldering house?) and I screamed. I screamed.
This might be the peakest heterosexual nonsense I have ever been forced to endure.
kill me
That said, when I lived in Melbourne, all the Melbourne gays wanted to take me on bouldering dates, so maybe it’s not as straight as it seems? I said no, btw, because it feels like bouldering on a date means I would be at a high risk of spilling my cocktail.
Adrian being this far into the competition is so 2020. It makes me sad. He’s annoying.
His brother is also annoying — he played the whole “interrogation family” game with Becky, and managed to just be an utter asshole. At least he made Adrian seem slightly nicer in juxtaposition?
Frazer
Look, I’m so tired and so sick of how boring and stupid this all is, and Frazer has perhaps taken on the brunt of this feeling unfairly. I think it’s because he’s such an empty vessel, a nothing boy, that he just absorbs all my hate.
Frazer play AFL. Frazer say “ha ha”. Frazer look manly and handsome. WHATEVER.
excuse me
I did like Frazer’s mum, who just seemed horrified by everything. A big mood.
“It’s bizarre to see how young people are starting relationships these days,” she mused.
lorraine, the face of a generation
Sure, Lorraine.
Elly and Becky
Look, they’re nice! They clearly are nice. They’re from the country!
But does that mean they should be Bachelorettes? I think this season has been a big essay that argues the point of: no, they shouldn’t. I don’t hate them, i dont even dislike them, but I begrudge them for making this experience happen. We could have had a queer bachelorette. we could have had a beautiful dog. anything. instead we got these sisters. I’m so tired. I’m so tired.
Never To Annoy Again
This show, for me! HELL YEAH.
Rebachelor Shaw is back for the finale tonight, and then i’m going to throw my laptop into the ocean and become someone who lives under a wharf and sells oysters to tourists. BYE.
I kinda hope I don’t see you all next year, because hopefully ive made better choices in life, but let’s be honest — cya all next year.
The Bachelorette airs on Channel 10 Wednesday and Thursday nights, and Junkee will be recapping both episodes.