All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 8 Of ‘The Bachelorette’

Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s 2020 recaps of The Bachelorette Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelorette Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.

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Hello there. It’s you, one of the ten people left watching this season of The Bachelorette! Because you are still watching, I assume you are in one of the following situations:

• You are Osher Günsberg
• You are one of the people appearing on this TV show
• A bookshelf has fallen and pinned you to the ground, and a TV in the room was already playing Channel 10
• You are in a Saw like scenario, where you have to watch the show and solve out a secret code in order to remove the bear trap that is currently around your head before it goes off
• You are in love with me and/or Patrick and want to keep up with what the fuck we are on about

Speaking of Patrick, you may or may not have noticed there was no recap for last night’s episode. Unfortunately he was busy, but I’ll leave it to him to explain what happened.

Thanks for being honest with our readers Patrick! Also, last week in our recaps we both said that the finale was this week, but that is obviously not the case. Yes, even perfect (physically, mentally and emotionally) human specimens can make mistakes sometimes. Also who cares!

Speaking of mistakes, all you really missed from last night’s episode is that James showed his true colours, chucked a tantrum at dinner, and got sent home.

I wish this was an image from real life, where I had been bestowed the power to blur out men’s mouths, ensuring they can no longer speak, but unfortunately it was just James swearing. Also going home was Sam? who I am not sure who that was.

So let’s get to tonight’s episode, the hometowns! In my recap last week I went through the reasons I think this season is not doing great, and that included how short it is. And now we are hometowns already! You can’t move as fast as lesbians when you are not lesbians, it is dangerous. Leave it to the experts (lesbians).

Lez get to it!

LEAST ANNOYING

Dwayne and Tegan (sp?)

I don’t know how to spell Dwayne or Tegan correctly, but I absolutely ADORED them. Tonight was hometown visits, and Becky went along to meet Shannon’s family, which was a brother whose name I didn’t catch, and his other brother Dwayne, and Dwayne’s wife Tegan. AKA my new favourite people. Just look at them. Perfect.

They were both incredibly sweet, first being absolutely stoked that Shannon looked so happy and comfortable with someone, to the point that Dwayne was like “I welled up” !!!

King! While talking to Dwayne and Tegan about Shannon falling for her, Becky came to the realisation that she didn’t feel that way about him, and that she was in love with someone else (Pete). Even though Shannon’s family was so on his side, and so supportive, they were also both so so nice to Becky about it. They told her not to apologise, and that it’s a hard situation, and that they understood. It was just all so cute, and I love them.

Becky then told Shannon, and he also took it very well, saying that he didn’t want her to be upset, and that he just wants her to be happy.

It was all very nice. I hope that Shannon finds a nice lady who appreciates how awkward and funny he is and puts up with his dumb jokes constantly (shoutout to my girlfriend).

And I would love to see Dwayne and Tegan get their own show, perhaps a dating show where they find a unicorn. Just putting ideas out there!

Joe

I must be feeling soft this week, because yet again Joe proved he is a himbo, and I am absolutely here for it.

I unfortunately don’t think Joe is going to win, but I wish he would. He just has such a good energy, and I love his big goofy attitude, and his big ears, and his overall great vibes. He also seems to be a massive simp for Elly, and that is something that I demand if I have to bear witness to heterosexual relationships. The straight man should always feel blessed.

Elly met Joe’s family, and they sat in a very unusual covid-safe format at the dinner table, usually reserved for me trying to be seated as far away from homophobic family members as possible at Christmas lunch.

I found Joe’s family to be adorable. They reminded me of my extended family, and I believe that the men in particular wore the one “good” outfit that they own for special occasions (same). Joe’s mum was emotional, which was sweet.

And his dad looks exactly like Bob Katter, which was disturbing!

But most importantly and least annoying was Joe’s dog….

Alfie

Alfie!!!!!!!!!!!!! Joe’s dog Alfie was SO HAPPY to see Joe, running happily to meet him.

He was then so HAPPY to see Elly, and was just THRILLED to be hanging out with them!

I could watch a whole show of Alfie just bounding about. Alfie for next Bachelor! Bitchelor! Does that work! I don’t care!

MOST ANNOYING

Sydney Harbour

STOP SHOWING ME SYDNEY HARBOUR BRIDGE I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! We can’t see it every episode!!! Go to the botanical gardens! Go to Marrickville! Go anywhere else! Leave me alone!!

Adrian

Adrian wasn’t in this episode, but knowing that he is still in it somehow, and in still in the running, and that next week we are going to have to go to the pretence of pretending he is a serious contender is so ANNOYING.

How is this man still here. It’s evidence of the failure of this season. Get out of my sight.

Short Season

This episode doesn’t have much for me to be annoyed about, mostly because it was really boring. And that’s annoying! Again, I really like Becky and Elly. I think they are delightful, and fun. But the fact is having two leads, and having it be a shorter season, just didn’t work.

There is just no way we could get on board with these relationships in this short of a time. Our attention has been split, which should mean the season is LONGER than The Bachelor, but for some reason it isn’t the case.

Some of the men haven’t even had a single date, and they’ve made it to hometowns! In the world of this show, that is bizarre. Maybe it will work out with the women and the men they choose (Pete and Frazer), but if so that is even more of a failure, because we haven’t spent enough time with them to see their connections.

Anyway, it’s fine, nothing matters!

NEVER TO ANNOY AGAIN

Shannon is gone after Becky realised during home visits she wasn’t into it. Absolutely BRUTAL.

So that’s it! Next week Patrick will take you through the home visits of the other men, and then i’ll be with you for the FINALE. Thank you for sticking with us through this, we have nearly made it, we can do it. Hold on.

I love you!

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The Bachelorette airs on Channel 10 Wednesday and Thursday nights, and Junkee will be recapping both episodes.