All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 6 Of ‘The Bachelorette’
No more men on boats in 2020.
Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s 2020 recaps of The Bachelorette Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelorette Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.
I started the year 2020 a young person, full of youthful spirit and verve. Of course 2020 broke me, along with everyone else, to the extent that I even mostly enjoyed the last season of The Bachelor. But even though I usually much more enjoy recapping The Bachelorette, because I get to make jokes at the expense of men, I just can’t seem to find the joy in this season. And neither can my co-recapper Patrick Lenton, but that’s partly because when he was born, God accidentally filled him with pettiness instead of blood.
But what is it about this season? Have I changed? Am I a nicer person? Am I a better person now? No absolutely not. Definitely that’s a no. I think it’s for a couple of reasons. One is that unlike The Bachelor, the producers of The Bachelorette have seemingly decided that we should go back to ignoring the existence of the pandemic. This tricks my hardly-functioning brain into thinking we are watching a normal season, except that now it’s just a very restricted and boring one.
Honestly, there are only so many times I can watch men yiewing on and around different kinds of boats on the Sydney Harbour before it gets old (immediately).
YIEW
YIEW!
I think The Bachelor season worked really well because they showed the machinations, and acknowledged what was happening. It felt real! I could relate! I love to relate!
The second reason is that The Bachelorette, which is always a shorter season, is now still a short season, but this time with two women looking for love. It does generally take some mind tricks with this show to get on board with the fact that we are meant to believe that these people are actually developing feelings for each other, but it’s possible!
It’s much harder to get there this season, when even at this late stage, some of the frontrunners have not even had a full date with Becky or Elly. And unfortunately most of the men aren’t smart enough to be able to ham it up enough so that I can pretend to be convinced otherwise. Ham it! Ham it!
HAM
I also think the casting has a higher-than-usual blatant amount of “here to be on TV” guys. There are always these guys, but perhaps due to travelling and casting restrictions it has meant we have received more of them? I don’t know, maybe it’s just that my tolerance for groups of men HAW HAWING and YIEWING together constantly like they are about to go out on the town and make some women feel uncomfortable is at an all time low.
Anyway, even though i’m pretty generally annoyed the entire time i’m watching, I still found things to be less annoyed and more annoyed at. Let’s go !
LEAST ANNOYING
Pete
Is it a coincidence that “Pete” rhymes with “sweet”? Probably! But in any case, I think Pete is sweet. He and Becky had a double date with Elly and Frazer where they went on boats, on the harbour. Afterwards, on a different boat, looking at the harbour, Pete and Becky discussed the logistics of their life if they were to be together. Pete explained that his aim was to make his Adelaide cafe so successful that he could quit it, and be able to help look after his younger brother.
Wow is that….the Sydney Opera House
Sweet!! I have a theory about this man with a gentle vibe. Pete is a lesbian. Pete, who just got out of a long-term relationship a year ago, and is already getting into a complicated situation by falling in love with someone in a different state? That’s a lesbian. That is lesbian behaviour. It’s also referenced in this episode how good he is at opening up and giving compliments to Becky, and how deep their conversations are, and how he is a great communicator. Lesbian. Congrats to Becky.
Joe
While I realised this episode that Pete is a lesbian, it also dawned on me that Joe is a Himbo. He gave Elly a special surprise during the cocktail ceremony by recreating their first ever date (which happened before the show), adorning a table with field mushrooms and salt & pepper squid. Delicious himbo meal.
He told her that he hadn’t taken his chance when he had it initially and that he wanted to now, and basically looked absolutely stoked with himself.
She was a girl, he was a himbo, can I make it any more obvious?
MOST ANNOYING
Adrian
The very first second I saw this man in steampunk gear appear in the first episode, my hackles were raised. And I believe my hackles were right to do so. Everything about him rubs me the wrong way. I am so annoyed by the way he speaks and what he says, and his mere presence. In tonight’s episode, Becky and Elly wore wedding dresses (?) and the men dressed as grooms (?) and they did an obstacle course in teams (?).
This was absolutely some peak Heterosexual Nonsense. Just a flood of Heterosexual Nonsense, pouring over me and drowning any joy I might feel.
More annoying than that, the team of Elly’s suitors were competing against a team of Becky’s suitors, with someone from the winning team being chosen to have a date with one of the women. Adrian couldn’t compete because he was on antibiotics (?). So he was made the referee for the event, and just blatantly and obnoxiously cheated the entire time to make sure that Becky’s team won.
And like, whatever, I know, it’s a dumb game. But there was a POINT to it, and there was supposed to be a winner who got extra time, and that’s IMPORTANT if you care about the world of the SHOW. Also Adrian kept yelling and it was really annoying. Anyway, he ended up rigging it so that Becky’s team won, and then he got chosen for the solo date. Thumbs down all around, no thank you.
Becky For Choosing Adrian
Becky no!!! WHAT on earth are you doing? It’s SO ANNOYING when men get rewarded for bad behaviour!!! The last time Becky and Adrian spoke, she got the feeling he wasn’t there to be serious because he was like ‘ugh why do we have to talk about SERIOUS stuff it’s so boring.”
In this episode, he was so loud and obnoxious and a CHEATER and she was literally like “omg Adrian is so hot, I love that he cheated for me, and I love how he’s yelling at people.” Becky ! ! Come on! What!
BECKY!
If this was a show about a woman in her 30s wanting to fuck some hot young guy, I would be like, yes go off. But Becky is here for love, she’s here for something serious, and Adrian is so blatantly not interested in that. They had their solo date and this time he proclaimed to be cool with talking about ‘serious stuff’ now. Great! I absolutely love a man who considers talking about things such as ‘liking each other’ and ‘dating’ while on a dating show to be boring and serious.
Anyway whatever they made out, I was forced to see him shove his tongue in her mouth several times, I hate everything.
James
James is treating this show like some sort of “Kite Boarding” event or whatever it is he does, I’ve forgotten. He spent the entire episode talking about putting in 100%, and winning Elly over, and not letting other men defeat him.
He then like read Elly a weird letter about his feelings, and it seemed extremely forced, almost like he was just trying to win a TV show instead of date someone.
But in better news he gave her some crystal that he always wears and it was a big moment for him to give it to her, and she held it in her hands and went ‘It’s cute!’
Cute :)
HAHHAHA.
Never To Annoy Again
Handsome Damian went home! Sad.
So literally that’s almost it, we only have next week’s episode to go!! I imagine that Elly will end up with Frazer (bad) and Becky will end up with Pete (good and lesbian).
I do actually like Elly and Becky and I hope they find happiness. I hope we all find happiness! And I hope they realise this show is dying and give us a Queer version instead!
See you next week.
The Bachelorette airs on Channel 10 Wednesday and Thursday nights, and Junkee will be recapping both episodes.
Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch.