All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 3 Of ‘The Bachelorette’

Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s 2020 recaps of The Bachelorette Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelorette Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.

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If there’s one thing that makes my blood run cold, one sentence guaranteed to cause me to stop and look around nervously, a limping wildebeest surrounded by hyenas, a Bambi’s mum paused in a moonlit clearing, one leg raised tentatively, ready to run, it’s the phrase “boys boys boys”.

“Boys, boys, boys”.

It’s a phrase that not only evokes a minimum of three boys — a cursed amount of boys — but the addition of a fourth, probably larger boy, who is excited about the presence of so many boys. A terrifying situation, one that the government should have done something about years ago.

We should split up the boys.

And that’s precisely how this episode begins, with one of the boys (long haired, genial) gleefully cawing that cursed sentence. And that’s what we get this episode — boys, boys, and I cannot stress this enough, boys.

And we hate to see it.

Hello, I am Patrick Lenton, the closest thing the Bachelor franchise has to a depressed adult son. Together with my good friend and platonic mall cop, Rebecca Shaw (the closest thing the Bachelor franchise has to a cool communist aunt who buys you liquor), we recap The Bachelorette Australia, because what else are we gonna do, have an emotionally fraught Zoom date with someone???????

In this episode, we get into the real “swing” of The Bachelorette (more on that later! Actually, nah. Elly and, idk, Ned? went on a big dangerous swing), and let me just say, wow! It’s NOT very interesting. But that’s fine, I guess, as I often say to myself, “life is pain and I want to set myself on fire”.

Let’s rank all the heterosexual nonsense.

LEAST ANNOYING

Frazer

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, if we simply MUST have a rugged, handsome, man who looks like he gently herds bison with his strong bare hands, or scoops up red dirt and finds corn in it and eats it for an ad about Aussie home loans, then that man must also be awkward and quiet and nervous.

A handsome man with a creased face who looks like he’s been gently smooched all over by the sun himself is only bearable if he stammers all his answers, ends every sentence with… “and… yeah” and every so often panics and looks directly into the camera, like Jim from The Office.

“There’s something about Frazer…” muses Elly, and it’s the fact that he is handsome. Mystery solved!

“But i think theres so much more to him” says Elly, and that’s on practicing radical optimism. Just enjoy the fact that he looks like a poster that’s trying to convince your spindly son to go and fight in WW2, and don’t hope for more.

Humiliating Men For Our Enjoyment

I love The Bachelorette, because all the men have no power, and must do weird shit like”try” and “not be themselves” to impress the ladies.

This episode featured a “talent show” where everyone had to basically make a fool out of themselves to impress the girls. This was good. A development most pleasing to me in my career.

Here’s the boys who did well:

The people who gave it a good crack, and sincerely tried to do well, but acknowledged that maybe they weren’t perfect.

The ones who knew they were out of their depth and just had a lot of fun being goofs.

It’s the same principle as putting men into a chicken outfit. All men should be in chicken outfits, and if they can’t deal with it gracefully? Well friend, you just dodged  bullet.

MOST ANNOYING

Adrian

Last week, Adrian decided to go after Becky by giving her a Tree Of Life version of that special necklace from Titanic, shaped like a heart, which he said “represented his heart” and I’m still not over how fucking lazy that is.

But the bar is low, so Becky was impressed. Oh Bicky.

But this week, Becky finally noticed the flotilla of red flags being waved in her direction, when Adrian refused to talk about the possibility of a relationship outside the mansion, saying he likes to “live in the moment”. Becky even gave him another chance to recant this position, but he instead doubled down.

True fuckboi behaviour. Who knew there were steampunk fuckboys? Life can be wild.

He also just couldn’t stop talking about how much he loves the boys. The boys, boys, boys.

“Im here for a good time, I love the boys, I feel sorry for you girls because theres so many good guys”

At the cocktail party… Sam? came over and was like “can I borrow her” and it’s very clear that the boys have created a **bro code** of politeness, and are sticking to it, and not doing the interrupting thing that causes so much drama.

“I gotta go, because of the boys” says Adrian. “Sorry, my broseph” he says to Sam(???).

Friends, we watched any interest Bicky had in this punk evaporate like steam.

James

James is gonna combust into a full-blown villain very soon, mark my words, but tonight he committed the ultimate sin for a straight man: he went full magician in the talent show.

“Luckily I got the magician, better than the dancer thats for sure,” says James, and he is so wrong, they should take away his license.

As you might remember, I believe all straight men exist on a spectrum of magicianess, with the most magician being the most cursed. I am so disappointed that I had James all the way down the list at number eight, when clearly he is the most magician.

But maybe that is the most magician thing he could do… make me believe he wasn’t the uber magician.

NEVER TO ANNOY AGAIN

SAJ AND MR ITALY WERE PERFECT ANGELS AND THEY ARE GONE I HATE THIS SHOW I HATE IT I HATE IT SO MUCH

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