All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 2 Of ‘The Bachelorette’

Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s 2020 recaps of The Bachelorette Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelorette Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.

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GOOD LORD is it that time already!!! We had a blessed one single week free from the trials and tribulations of straight culture, where I relaxed by locking myself into a sensory deprivation tank, and my co-recapper Patrick Lenton relaxed by dressing as the Babadook and going around scaring families. But now we are refreshed, back and better (the same/worse) than ever!

On one hand, it’s exciting. Recapping The Bachelorette is much easier than recapping The Bachelor, because I am given a huge pool of men to make fun of. This is easier than making fun of a huge pool of women, because women are superior in all ways. Of course it’s most fun to make fun of a pool of people when its the The Sims and you take away their ladder and they find it impossible to get out and start getting tired.

But even though The Bachelorette is easier to recap because of the amount of men, it is also harder because…. there’s lots of men. Instead of watching a bunch of women on TV, I am forced to watch a bunch of straight men go about and do stuff. This makes it harder in the way that it slowly destroys my living soul. But at least this season we have been given TWO women to watch.

Yes, two women. We have been begging and begging The Bachelor to give Australia a queer version of The Bachelor, and instead of giving us two women hooking up, we have been given…sisters. Close! Almost! I assume this was a paperwork mistake which will hopefully be rectified by next year. But for now, let’s dig in.

As always, I will be ranking people on the show based on who annoyed me least to most, and I am in a very bad mood! Let’s go.

LEAST ANNOYING

Becky and Elly

I really liked Elly on her season of The Bachelor. I think she is exceedingly charming, and sneakily dry and funnier than we give her credit for because she is so bubbly. Also she looked really hot dressed up as a miner/gold hunter/firefighter, whatever that was. So good for her!

This episode started with Becky and Elly meeting their double-dates Harry and Shannon on the beach, and it immediately brought to mind some kind of seaside murder-mystery dramedy about two blonde sisters who solve murders together. Perhaps it could be called Broads Church, just a suggestion, yes I will write it.

In my opinion so far this season, having the two sisters has added an extra five layers of awkwardness to an already pretty awkward scenario. But the dynamic between Elly and Becky is very cute, and I imagine that Becky will come out of her shell a bit more as time goes on, matching Elly who has been there before.

Saying that, Becky had a great moment where she described her life as being completely full and happy and fulfilling as is, and just wanting love on top of it — and I really liked that. Also she is UP FOR IT, snagging two kisses this episode!

Shannon

The first of her kisses was with Shannon, who is on the least annoying list purely because I related to his intense awkward nervous energy the entire time he was on the date with Becky. The poor guy first had to go in a helicopter, which he hated, where he subsequently tried to pretend not to be hating it, while absolutely hating every second.

Then we cut to his talking head where in his stressed chaotic mind, he told us that he decided that in the back of a helicopter, squished in a seat with three other people, that he should try and kiss her. He didn’t go through with it, which is good, particularly because of the huge mouthpiece microphones they had on.

Upon landing in ‘the country’, he and Becky got hold of some whips and tried to crack them, which turned into some kind of heterosexual foreplay, where they talked about how ‘naughty’ and ‘cheeky’ each other is. I assume this sort of thing is why 50 Shades is so popular, and it just makes me feel sad.

But it was sort of cute to see them enjoying themselves, and was especially enjoyable for me when Shannon kept accidentally whipping himself.

They later had a big old smooch, including a lot of visible TONGUE action, which is obviously scandalous.

I am not convinced on Shannon overall yet, but I think he will be around for a while.

Pete

The other one of Becky’s kisses was with Pete, the cafe owner. After watching the first episode, Pete was the man that I had pegged as the most “normal” and “nice” of the bunch. And now, hopefully, Becky will peg him, in another way. He started the ep by looking very cute in pink, which I personally appreciate in a man. That and silence, both present in this image!

Later in the episode, the group date involved the men getting dressed up and participating in photo shoots with Becky and Elly. Some men got the bad end of the stick, such as the guy who got dressed up as a pineapple. Unfortunately, this was very funny to me.

Pete got very very lucky, and came into the room for a one-on-one shoot with Becky, dressed as a cowboy. Becky immediately realised he had SURPRISE ABS, and got him to simply just take his shirt completely off. I respect it.

Anyway they were very cute together, they obviously enjoyed staring at each other, and Pete did a very cute thing of covering their faces with his hat to kiss her.

I like Pete!! Team Pete! At this stage! Before he reveals his true colours! But maybe he won’t! But maybe he will! Let’s see!

Adam

Adam is on this list because first of all, he looks like Farmer Dave from Big Brother.

But second of all, during Elly’s hot and steamy mining photoshoot with Frazer (who she is very hot for), he was sulking on the sidelines. This is because as a geologist, he thought he should have been given the mining photoshoot, and he kept saying that Frazer was doing a poor job as a miner.

This was so funny. Watching a shirtless Frazer pretending to blow up dynamite with his arms around Elly, complaining that the mining wasn’t accurate.

Very funny to me!! Thank you Adam!

MOST ANNOYING

Adrian

Adrian is on this list, not only for his steampunk aesthetic, but because he was truly annoying this episode. I just don’t enjoy the vibe of the man, what can I say. A lot of the men watched Becky or Elly do photoshoots with other men, and while I can understand this would be difficult, it is inherently the premise of the show. To be annoyed at that so early is a real ‘Roxi’ move.

Adrian chucked a little tanty and walked off, and that is so annoying. At this point in the show, there are like 12 to 400 men, you have barely spoken to the woman, either chill out or go back to your steampunk spaceship.

He also had a sit down at the cocktail party with Becky where he did a big production of making her look in his jacket and close her eyes and yada yada all in order to give her an Amethyst Crystal necklace in the shape of a heart, which he said symbolised his heart.

I dunno, it all just seemed very forced and disingenuous and also remember the steampunk goggles? In summation: no thanks.

Groups of men cheering

It’s amazing how I have shaped my life to the extent that I largely don’t experience groups of men yelling loudly about things. It’s peaceful.

Lots of men don’t think about how loud they are, and how much space they take up. This show has a lot of groups of men cheering loudly, like when Osher arrives “AHHYYYYY OSHERRRR” and then when the men arrive back from a date “OYYYYY OOOHHHHHH!!” and so on and so forth. It’s so loud and dramatic and even though it is harmless in this case, it is annoying. Sorry!

Also why are men always constantly lifting women? It is peak heterosexual, and happens constantly in this show. It doesn’t prove anything, I can lift women too! Stop that.

Joe

Look, not to take this show seriously or pin any real-world morals onto this show, but I have to speak on this. I think Joe is sweet! He seems nice. He looked good as a jellyfish.

I also think it is completely an unfair advantage that he has literally been on dates with Elly before, and has a long existing relationship with her! I would be annoyed if I were the other men, and I think they are right to be a bit dubious about it. It’s not a show about dating your exes, or about people you’ve been on dates with. It’s meant to be new people! This should only be allowed on Queer Bachelorette, where it’s impossible not to have your exes show up!

Elly herself spoke to Joe about how good it is having someone she knows there, and that he helps put her at ease. No! You shouldn’t be at ease, you should be getting to know new people in awkward and exciting situations for us to watch. Unfair! Annoying! Justice! RBG!

Dolphin Noise Guy

Yes he was eliminate in the first episode and not in this one, but I’m still VERY annoyed by him.

NEVER TO ANNOY AGAIN

We said goodbye to Jake, which was completely inevitable and is probably for the best!

So that’s it, we are back in it!! I’m back to being annoyed, I am back to hoping these women find what they want, and I am back to hoping we hold men to higher standards. Patrick will be with you next time, and we love you very much!

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The Bachelorette airs on Channel 10 Wednesday and Thursday nights, and Junkee will be recapping both episodes.