All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During Episode 1 Of ‘The Bachelorette’
Several men honk like animals in this episode. Seriously.
Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s 2020 recaps of The Bachelorette Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelorette Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.
Well, hello! I didn’t notice you there, because I had a whole week off between recapping The Bachelor and The Bachelorette so I’m basically a new person. I’m so new, I don’t have depth perception, I don’t even have the basic cognitive functions needed to notice people. I certainly don’t have years of mistakes and emotional trauma dragging me down! I’m a lil baby!
So, I guess I’m ready to recap The Bachelorette.
Hello, I’m Patrick Lenton, Frankenstein’s other monster (his sexy one). Together with the internet’s sweetheart Rebecca Shaw (the “bad boy” of the bachelor recapping industry), we recap The Bachelorette for a living, because if we don’t do it, the communists win.
This year, we don’t just have one Bachelorette — baby, we’ve got two, and they’re sisters. Elly, the country-girl from Matt Agnew’s season who left a general impression of being very nice, and her sister, Becky. They seem very nice.
Every year, we call out for different representation from our Bachelors or Bachelorettes — a POC, a queer person, or god forbid even a REDHEAD.
And this year, after hearing our pleas, the Bachelorette said — instead of one blonde woman, we shall simply give you two. Thanks!
The first episode is always very long and awkward and full of men (which is a good description of me on the dancefloor), and this episode does not disappoint — we certainly met twenty men. A lot of them had weird schticks. There were a lot of poor-fitting Jack London suits.
me, looking at all the saggy shoulder fits
I always imagine groups of straight men to be like a whole bunch of magicians, full of lies and nonsense, or like packs of wild-eyed baying animals. Tonight we had both. We literally had a montage of the men making odd animal noises. It was nonsense.
And that’s what we do here — we rank all the heterosexual nonsense. Let’s begin.
LEAST ANNOYING
Elly and Becky
Look, when I was told the premise of this system, I have to admit I was sceptical.
“Sisters?” I asked, “what are those? Like friends… but related? Womb pals?”
Sounds fake.
Anyway, it’s a cute energy these two have got going.
tfw you love to have a laugh
“I’m very protective of you, just because I love ya” says Becky, and yes, I enjoy this support. The fact they keep holding each others hands and telling each other that they’ll be there for each other? Reader, I was moved.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, because I love the sound of my own voice, but my ultimate goal for any season of these shows is for the women to simply overpower, dominate, and either murder or rule the men, and to fall in love with each other, establishing a cruel and relentless lesbian power-monarchy.
Two women with literally all the power? We’re getting closer. Unfortunately they are sisters.
tfw the world of men shall fall
I also am not un-loving the whole “we’re just these two normal chicks, grew up in Parkes” vibe. “A couple of ferals from the bush”. I don’t get it, but I appreciate it for them.
The only thing I don’t like is the fact that they keep being like “we could be meeting the men we’re gonna marry and squirt out thousands of squirming babies with” (i paraphrased) and it’s just like… gross.
Saj
I’m a little bit in love with him, HSUT UP
they’re watching someone go too hard in the cage at stonewall
Frazer
I love a physically attractive, traditionally masculine man, who is very sweet and VERY nervous.
That is the ideal emotion they should be feeling all the time. I also like, at the end of the day, he just says things like “at the end of the day” constantly.
your fear makes me feel more safe, sorry
As Elly said: “I mean physically, hello Christmas!”
I don’t know what it means, but I concur.
MOST ANNOYING
AB
No man has the power to say “enchanté” without me gagging, not even the king of france himself.
No man is able to begin a conversation with “my name is AB and I’m a polyglot, that means I speak five different languages” without me wanting to hurl myself from the top of the eiffel tower, or maybe the arc de triumph, or some other landmark.
No man is able to dance to absolutely no music without me wanting to lie inside my own grave and scoop grave dirt over my eyes and mouth and nostrils.
there is no music, i cannot stress how little music there is
But — AB does have style and flair and confidence, and he redeemed himself by simply yeeting himself off the show, because he wasn’t feeling it.
LOVE that energy.
Trent
Hey trent, the opera called and they wanted their incel ghost back?
Dare you trust the music of the night? Dare YA?
Trent said like one line, but it made me hate him forever. “I need a half hour warning when there’s two birds, i couldn’t do it”
Calling women “birds” is very bad, unless he thinks they are literally birds, in which case I will forgive this tuca and bertie bitch.
Adrian
I hope this guy’s fucking blimp explodes and his eyes boil out, because his stupid fucking goggles are always on his stupid goddamn hat instead of protecting his face.
God I hate steampunk.
Also he said “Two chicks, double trouble, good for all the guys” and I wanted to kick him off the back of the locomotive.
Jake
Jake is absolutely Schmidt from New Girl, a loveable douche with a heart of gold and tiny tiny tiny nipples.
I don’t know if he has a heart of gold tbh.
Shannon
Shannon did not annoy me, but I found it very funny when he blew on a conch and it made a pppfpptttht noise.
pppfpptht
Samuel
Samuel seems very sweet, or possibly very sinister, I don’t know, I am a terrible judge of character.
But he did make a lot of goose and dolphin noises, and frankly, I hated it.
“I wonder if she can make any animal noises, goose is like HAAAAARNK”.
haaaarnk
As Elly politely put it: “Samuel’s dolphin impression was the most impressive dolphin impression I’ve ever seen, and also the only one.”
Spanners
These men are OBSESSED with spanners. They will not stop talking about spanners. Drink every time someone says something about spanners, and you will die of alcohol poisoning.
“Just another spanner in the mix”
“You never know what spanners will appear”
“Another spanner appears”
Do… do they know what a spanner is?
“wtf is a spanner”
Never To Annoy Again
Someone named Nick and Dolphin Samuel were voted off the island. AB yeeted himself away. Let’s power through this and get it done!
The Bachelorette airs on Channel 10 Wednesday and Thursday nights, and Junkee will be recapping both episodes.
Patrick Lenton is the Editor of Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.