Welcome to our Wednesday Recap of The Bachelorette — you can read last week’s recap from Thursday here. We’ll be recapping every episode, because we are very passionate about love or TV or whatever.

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Hello again everyone, remember how Ivan blended avocados last week? Yes, that was only one week ago. It feels like forever, but don’t worry I will never let you forget that it happened. It is a story that I will tell to my grandchildren, and their children, because when I am dead I will haunt them, visiting in the night to scare them with the tale of Slender Man and his Slow Death Blades.

Speaking of ghosts, this episode aired on October 31st, which of course is Halloween night. And pleasingly on theme, this episode was full of the spookiest and scariest thing imaginable: UNFATHOMABLE HETEROSEXUALITY.

Terrifying! This is why I have to sleep with the lights on every Wednesday night, what if there is heteronormativity hiding under my bed?

So, now for this week’s episode! How will the rankings have changed from last time we were together? Who will be the spookiest man this episode, annoying me most with his eerie heterosexual ways? Who will be the least annoying, disturbing me by making me feel fondness for a man? What objects will be blended?

Let’s find out. Welcome to….Haunting of Heterosexual House.

This episode starts out with Ali being summoned to see Robert in the morning because he wants to speak to her. Like… yeah, they all want to speak to her? Since when can you just call her to just come to your house? This isn’t BOOBER (Bachelorette Uber).

Robert wanted to talk because he didn’t know where he stood after her friend and cousin absolutely ripped him to shreds last week.

Ali said that they should get to know each other more, as long as they were both ‘in this’. Robert said he is ‘in it’, whatever that means, and they went on their merry way happily ever after.

Just kidding, while explaining to the group what had just occurred, Robert said that before talking to Ali, he had thought about leaving and literally had his bags packed. Ali was SHOCKED to hear this new info.

She was also wearing XXXX bottle caps as earrings, but that’s neither here nor there. The gang all then headed out on a date to Sydney Props, where for some reason they had a big replica of Charlie.

Perhaps for events.

The men speculated about what they were there to do, until they were put out of their misery when they saw a clear sign in the form of a shirt.

Osher explained to them that they were there to DANCE, and he was absolutely reveling in the pure discomfort radiating from the group.

Unfortunately all I could think about was Ivan dance-sitting on his couch, switching off one of the Step Up movies that plays on a 24 hour loop on his television, and turning on this episode to see this.

Can someone please go check on him (not a joke)? This is just like the time my primary school got on the show A*mazing the year after I left. I know how it feels.

Osher explained that the men would be split into three groups, and each group would complete a dance routine set in Ali’s sexual fantasies/ different romantic scenarios.

They would make their own dance videos, and the whole thing would be called ‘Rhythm of Love.’ This is a clever name because they are dancing, which is about rhythm, and also looking for love. I think they should have called it ‘Step Up 2: The Sheets’ or ‘Babes: Pigs in the City’ but nobody asked me.

So now let’s see who brings it this episode, and by ‘it’ I mean things for me to make fun of. Will there be a new frontrunner? How many men named Daniel are left? What is the length of time I would go to jail if I steal candy from children tonight? All valid questions.

LEAST ANNOYING

Todd

This week we finally got to see Todd shine, and for more than just being very, very good looking. But also for that.

He was absolutely determined to win the dancing challenge and get a single date with Ali, because he hasn’t had one yet. Unfortunately, while talking about this he was also wearing plaid and practically FORCING me to think of him as a soft butch lesbian being interviewed about her job, which is building television sets. For Playschool.

Or whatever, I barely thought about it or imagined the rest of our lives together.

Todd was paired up with Dan and Bill for their “romantic scenario” which was a 50’s Diner scene. Heterosexuals love this era because they have never experienced rampant homophobia, so it was nice to see them so happy.

This all really worked out for Todd.

He had the prime position of getting to twirl Ali a bunch and drink a milkshake (I assume they edited all the vomiting out) and he took the opportunity to show off his personality a bit. Ali was very impressed with Todd, because — and I must stress I am not joking here — he was the only one to ask her how she was.

These are the sorts of insurmountable bars you have to clear as a straight man to impress women. Simply ask a woman “how are you?” and she is yours for life. But at least he did ask her how she was, and seemed to genuinely care, so I guess my standards are also lowering with each episode.

ALSO, in his outfit he looked a lot like Chloë Sevigny in the queer movie If These Walls Could Talk 2, and I don’t care if this is a niche reference, it is REAL and I felt it.

Even though he is a soft butch dream, he didn’t win the dance date, but he was later given a solo date with Ali. She came and picked him up in a car that I guess we were meant to understand was a good (?) one based on the reactions.

All I know is that BOOBER is becoming less of a joke and more of a viable next career move for Ali.

So Todd and Ali zoomed to their date, and he did a wonderful job pretending to like cars. She then sprung a surprise on him that they were going to meet her favourite designer Daniel Someone, and would design each other’s outfits for the cocktail party. At this point I blacked out because a human can only take watching so many Daniels on screen before their brain overloads.

The date was obviously planned by Ali to take Robert on, and Todd stepped in seamlessly to fill Robert’s Italian leather shoes. Was that a pun? Do shoes have seams? I have no idea.

Todd was a perfect replacement because he is a fashionable guy, had heard of the designer, and had a lot of good ideas for what he wanted Ally to wear. He knew about things like ‘cut outs’ and knew what would look good on her, and Ali bloody loved it.

She also loved seeing him in his underwear.

As someone who strictly wears jorts and graphic t-shirts, I can’t really comment on the fashion, but I do think they look cute together (for a heterosexual couple).

So all in all, Todd was not annoying at all. Except for when they kissed, and I had to see just so so much of his tongue.

DAN

Dan was in Todd’s group, and I immediately guessed that he would be extremely uncomfortable dancing, but I was proved wrong! Sorry, no I wasn’t, I was immediately proved correct.

He might not have been good at dancing, but at least he DID elbow Ali directly in the forehead really hard.

Outside of giving Ali a head injury, Dan’s most successful moments were when Ali said that in her interview that he seemed ‘stiff’, and she found that very funny.

His other great moment was when Osher said that he wasn’t going to watch rehearsals because he wanted to be surprised, and Dan replied, “you will be”. This was found to be the funniest thing ever said on the show, or outside in human life.

Everyone laughed, but Bill had literally never heard a funnier thing said in his entire life.

Also Dan’s eyebrows are cute. He was not annoying at all!

DANIEL

Wow folks, this was a huge moment in this season of The Bachelorette. Daniel, who I had literally never seen nor heard before last week’s rose ceremony, finally got some screen time! It’s a Halloween miracle!

While the men were being told about the dance challenge, the camera pointed at Daniel.

Instead of immediately panning away from his face before his features could form a picture in our mind, as it has done since the beginning of the series, the shot lingered.

I wondered if the camera had broken. Why didn’t they edit this out? Then, I heard a male voice begin to speak. My brain, not used to more than 1.5 seconds of Daniel, was confused. Even though the camera was showing Daniel’s face, I still thought to myself “Whose voice is that? Have they brought in someone else to dance?”

But then, the shot changed and we got to see who was talking. It was…him.

Unfortunately for Daniel, literally the first sentence we have heard him say, ten months into the series, was “As soon as I find out we’re all dancing, I literally start to shit myself.”

Worth the wait.

Now I’m no pedantic person who picks on people for saying literally when they mean figuratively, but I do think it’s probably good to be careful when talking about literally shitting your pants on a televised dating show.

His luck continued, when he was paired with Taite for the ‘romantic jungle scenario’. For this dance, Taite was dressed as Tarzan, and Daniel was dressed as an explorer.

Unforunately for Daniel this meant that Taite got to be half-naked and sexy, while Daniel got to be the dad from The Wild Thornberrys.

It was hard for Daniel to compete with Taite’s wild grunting, screeching and hair-sniffing through the rehearsal.

So, to try and make his own mark, he pulled a really cool move and put his fingers around his eyes to mime having binoculars.

Then during the real dance, in a completely baffling move, he got on top of a crocodile for ages while Ali and Taite did sexy moves together.

This is a new form of cucking known as croc-ing, and I have a good feeling it’s going to catch on.

For some reason these things did not turn Ali completely off, and Daniel won the dance off and got a solo date. Nodding to the reason we have never heard of Daniel until now, Paddy said “I dunno what they’re gonna talk about, because the kid doesn’t talk.”

But actually that turned out to be false, as on the couch date Daniel said HEAPS of things like “this wine is nice” and “are you cold.”

Then when trying his best to make more conversation while holding Ali’s hand, he said to her romantic things like “bad circulation runs in the family, so if you think I sweat bad now, you should see my sisters.”

As an awkward person who would undoubtedly talk about how sweaty I am on a date, I sort of found all of this endearing.

He’s shy and reserved, and if I must be around straight men, I prefer them to be extremely quiet and nervous. Ali also found it endearing, giving him a smooch and a rose and saying “He fumbles and bumbles and puts his foot in his mouth, but I’ve had enough cocky arrogant guys to last me a lifetime.”

Yes Ali, get that Hugh Grant!

It was all in all an extremely successful first appearance for Daniel, and he wasn’t very annoying.

NEITHER ANNOYING NOR NOT ANNOYING I FELT NOTHING

Congratulations to Tarzan and Bill, I didn’t feel annoyed at you, nor did I feel not annoyed at you. Seeya next week, undoubtedly.

ANNOYING

Paddy

I have to admit I didn’t think Paddy would make it this far, based on his well, everything.

And yes 99% of the time that Paddy is on camera it all feels forced, like he is trying to be a big character, and to be obnoxious and entertaining, but it’s so far mostly just annoying. I think he’s probably scared of being boring and beige, so he overcompensates.

I’d like to suggest the first thing he do is stop dressing to match the beige wall.

But every so often he comes out with a good line, or laughs at himself in a way that indicates he doesn’t take himself as seriously as the other guys.  Like with tonight’s group date where he said he was excited about the dancing because he “is a mix of Channing Tatum, and Jesus.”

You know Jesus, the renowned dancer who moonwalks on water.

Paddy was paired up with Robert and Charlie for the ‘classroom scene.”  That’s right, you know the famous “romantic scenario” we all know, in a classroom.

While everyone else looked like adults dressing in school uniforms, Paddy unfortunately looked like a boy in grade 12 doing work experience on The Bachelorette.

I could practically smell the Lynx Africa coming off him. At one point though he was asked to flip his chair around, thus instead looking like a youth counsellor who was there to teach students about a cool guy named JC.

As usual he also said too many nonsensical words and panting sounds about Ali’s looks, and annoyed me a bunch.

Robert

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Robert topped my Least Annoying man list last week, and now look at us!

I didn’t have a problem with Robert not just telling Ali or her friends what they wanted to hear last week. However, I do think his communication skills were extremely lacking this episode, and he absolutely fucked himself by not telling her that he had planned to leave.

You dumb snuggly FOOL.

He also really didn’t do much during the classroom dancing scene, which I felt was disrespectful to the memory of Britney Spears and Baby One More Time. Ali was not impressed at all with his downbeat attitude (even though it seems he can at least read).

The most annoying part about Robert this week was that he seemed to get on board the Charlie train at the cocktail party, and kept snarkily talking Ali and criticising how many roses Ali had handed out.

Also to cap it all off, he shared a judgmental knowing look with Charlie when Bill got a rose.

MOST ANNOYING

Charlie

Just like the T-Rex in the original Jurassic Park, Charlie really gets my goat.

The rest of the list has had a huge shakeup this week, but he remained steady at Most Annoying yet again. Charlie was one of the classroom scene dancers, and even though he was jealous that Paddy got the lead role, he tried to steal the show by mimicking being tased for ages? doing some cool dance moves.

Charlie has approximately four emotions. They are 1) Anger 2) Jealousy 3) Rage 4) Fury, and we got to see them all in this episode.

He was absolutely seething that Todd got the single date, even though it was Todd’s first single date, because Charlie has done the maths and believes Ali is a stupid idiot who should have obviously had another date with him by now.

Algebro

Throughout the episode he kept saying that Todd wouldn’t suit Ali because he is ‘tepid’ and ‘placid’, and that Todd is not a threat, which I am pretty sure is all code for Todd not being macho and aggressive enough to impress Charlie.

So when Todd returned from a successful date, with a rose, Charlie lost his entire mind. He tried to tell Todd about how dumb and wrong Ali is being for liking too many of the men, with the normal attitude of someone who doesn’t have anger issues.

Todd came off very well in this scene, calmly disagreeing with Charlie and speaking about Ali like she is a grown woman who can make her own decisions.

Again, the bar is so low it would hit my ankles, but he still stepped over it. Off cam, Todd said that Charlie was trying to control Ali, and was acting like a jealous boyfriend. But that’s so wrong! You see, Charlie is just concerned that Ali is going to make the wrong decision (not pick him), and he simply can’t understand how she hasn’t narrowed it down to two or three ‘top dogs’ by now (him, him and him), and he just wants to help her (bully her into it).

So he sat down with Ali and lectured her heaps about how she is doing it wrong, which the ladies love.

During his shou-TED Talk, Ali did a lot of this:

This is no doubt instantly recognisable to many of you as the Women’s International Couch Pose Of Murmuring Agreement Until He Gets Tired And Goes Away. But Ali didn’t have time to wait for that, instead shutting Charlie’s criticism down by saying a pointed “Yeah, I’ve got it.”

FUCKEN Yes! That was as satisfying as watching my wife be caressed by Tarzan as I straddle a crocodile.

After that, Charlie felt the cool breeze come, and felt that Ali’s attitude towards him had changed. He was bamboozled, saying out loud the words “something’s happened, something’s gone missing, something’s wrong. I don’t know what it is.”

Oh I dunno man, maybe it’s HOW YOU JUST AGGRESSIVELY LECTURED HER ABOUT HOW SHE’S DOING EVERYTHING WRONG.

Next week I’m going to try playing a drinking game where I drink every time Charlie bobs his head up and down or licks his lips or says something patronising. I expect to die.

Charlie is the most annoying man.

NEVER TO ANNOY ME AGAIN

Oh Robert. I do think that Robert could have stayed a bit longer, especially because how on earth is Paddy still there?

But the format of the show means even a small misunderstanding can send you home. Ali is obviously in this for keeps, and Robert evidently didn’t make her feel that he was too. This did seem like the first time that Ali was actually really upset to be sending someone home, and I thought their moment at the end was very nice.

Ciao Robert. Ciao.

See, I told you it was a scary episode! If you’re scared of the threat of misogyny that is, which you should be!

That’s it for me this week everyone. Thank you for joining me on this Halloween journey. I do not care if I forgot any men, especially if their name is Daniel. Please only contact me to give me money and compliments, otherwise keep it to yourself.

Bye!

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Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch.