All The Heterosexual Nonsense I Was Forced To Endure During The Finale Of ‘The Bachelorette’
It'S FINALLY OVER. Also it's my birthday.
Hello, and welcome to Junkee’s 2020 recaps of The Bachelorette Australia, where we watch episodes of The Bachelorette Australia and try to pretend we’re OK with all the hetero nonsense we see in front of us.
Welcome and goodbye! This is IT, folks. It’s been a huge couple of days and now we can finally talk about the important things — the fact it’s my birthday today, on Friday.
And what better birthday present could I imagine than getting to watch the finale of The Bachelorette, and know that it’s all over for another season! My co-recapper Patrick Lenton and I will be celebrating by drinking beer and spitting into each other’s mouths!
But now we are at the end, and usually that is a bittersweet moment for me, because I like recapping! But this moment is all sweet, and no bitter. I’ve actually been becoming more and more annoyed at this season as it went on, it really did Elly and Becky no favours. I now fear it is yet another nail in the coffin for The Bachelorette as a whole. Wild how if you don’t put as much time and resources into something, it might not do as well!
Tonight we are down to Peter and Adrian for Becky, and Frazer and Joey for Elly. Joey is there I think partly because Elly knew him from before, and she has been given zero time to get to know any of the other men on the show, so it was obvious he would make it. Also she thinks Frazer is really hot, so that’s why he is there. I don’t see anything between them at all, and again, we have only seen like… one date between them. It’s as if i’ve seen two random straight people hook up at a B&S ball and then proclaim they are engaged. I feel nothing.
With Becky, it is absolutely deranged that Adrian is still there. They have literally nothing in common, except they like to pash. I don’t even think he likes her, it is very weird and very strange and I hate it. She does seem to have a connection with Pete, probably because they are both a bit older and know themselves a bit more, but still, I just have not become invested enough to care. Can I care about anything right now? Maybe not. Oh wait, I do care that Mary and Conor from Bachelor In Paradise announced they are having a baby! We love that!
But I definitely don’t care about this! Let’s see what happens in this finale, and how much it annoys me, and if this episode can make me believe in televised reality show love again! Thank god this is almost over! I’m exhausted!
LEAST ANNOYING
Joey
Dear, sweet, beautiful, long and thick necked Joey.
Neck
It turns out that Elly doesn’t love Joe, but I do! I think he was the most genuine man on this show, and I believe him to be sweet, and kind, and I have had a very very long day. Poor Joe! The writing was on the wall for him when he told her he was falling in love with her and Elly said things like that she needed to figure out “Am I falling in love with him? Can I? Can I see it? Can I possibly imagine something so fanciful as to develop feelings for this man?” The last one I made up, but that was the vibe.
Elly didn’t wait for him to approach her at the carpet so that she could reject him, saying that she respected him too much. Which makes me wonder about every other time this has happened to people on the show, but in any case, she went looking for him to break the news.
Who is the Mole? (does this reference track for anyone)
Even though Elly did the most annoying version of a breakup to him, which is “You are amazing. You are perfect. You are everything I look for in a partner. If I had a list, you would check it all. If i could WISH for a man, I would wish for you. If I talked to God directly and got to ask him to make me the perfect man who I would love with all my heart, I would ask for you. But unfortunately I’m choosing Frazer.”
He took that well, in a very sincere way, and then one of the Bachie editors lived their absolute best life, and went into some beautiful split screen work, so we could see both their reactions at the same time.
Someone’s angling for a job in Australia’s growing COVID film industry! Good for them. Anyway Elly did what sound like real sobs, and Joey was actually sad I think, and it was sad, and literally the only time I felt anything this entire episode. And possibly this entire season? Joey for Bachelor.
THESE BIRDS
Look at them. So cute.
BECKY AND ELLY BEING SISTERS
The concept of this show was cute, if not extremely flawed. They swung big and unfortunately it didn’t pay off, especially in not giving the women enough time to develop real relationships. But I do think Elly and Becky seem great, and the relationship between the two of them was by far the highlight of this show. They teased each other, they supported each other, they cry when they talk about each other, and it was really sweet.
And i’m happy they will still have each other when they both end up single again in (probably now) the future. (MEOW)
Not annoying.
MOST ANNOYING
Adrian
I simply can’t believe I’m even typing Adrian’s name after watching the finale. In any other season, the man would have been out in the first two episodes.
But no, he survived. To the finale. Which is the last episode. I was forced to go through the motions of seeing their final date, which was him and Becky smearing mud on each other.
If I was only to experience heterosexuals solely from this show, all I would know is that heterosexuals love to smear things on each other. They love to stand about and paint a man’s chest, they love to put mud on, they simply can’t get enough of smearing.
I am going to vomit tears.
When Becky said “we are going to get a bit dirty” and Adrian said “I’m a dirty boy”, I wanted to throw up and also cry. This sort of “naughty” thing that some straight men say makes it so evident that they think they are some sort of kinky sex god, when undoubtedly the kinkiest thing they have done is fall asleep half-erect behind a nightclub because they got too drunk. Anyway obviously Becky frothed it, because god know’s why. I will never understand, and I certainly won’t be figuring it out today.
Anyway he came to the red carpet thing and she cried and told him that she wasn’t choosing him, and he said some pleasantries which made it seem like to me that he didn’t care at all, and then he strode around saying ‘this is bullshit!’ ‘this is bullshit!’ and staring out into a field.
Damn, i’m gonna miss this.
Frazer
Sorry but this man said absolutely nothing this episode. Elly is obviously very attracted to him which is fine. I don’t get it, he looks like every NRL commentator smushed into one body, but whatever. I won’t yuck her yum. But TRULY the man said nothing. She opened up to him, and expressed herself, and he kept saying things like ‘my heart is warm’. But mainly he talked about how hard he finds it to say anything and to communicate.
Huh?
Frazer is the living embodiment of Jordan Firstman’s impression of a straight man, and you can’t tell me otherwise.
Most of their date was Elly being like “I know how hard it is for you to talk” and him being like “yeah, but ya know. Heart warm” and she would cry because she was so overwhelmed with how beautiful it was that he said something. I mean can we just PLEASE expect a bit more from these men! You find him hot and he said one mildly nice thing, and you are crying. Anyway whatever, it is her decision and I hope she enjoys trying to communicate with someone who won’t even open up on a reality dating show. I JUST CAN’T TAKE THIS SORT OF HETEROSEXUAL NONSENSE MANY MORE TIMES. ONLY A FEW MORE. THEN NONE. Don’t move to r
NEVER TO ANNOY ME AGAIN
This season of the show!! Here is a depiction of me finishing this episode.
And here is a depiction of me later tonight.
I really do want to thank you for sticking with the show and us this season, or perhaps just with us, I really appreciate each and every one of your beautiful eyes and brains. Hopefully we will be back again to do this sometime, but who knows in this wild world!
In the meantime, you can follow what nasty little naughty things Patrick and I are getting up to over on Twitter or Instagram.
Bye, I love you!!!!
Rebecca Shaw is the co-host of the very regular comedy podcast Bring A Plate. She tweets @brocklesnitch