The Bachelor Finale Recap: REALITY TV IS REDEEMED. TRUE LOVE IS NOT DEAD.

At this point, there’s not much about reality TV that can shock us. We’ve seen Merlin refuse to talk to Gretel. We’ve witnessed Ricki-Lee being booted out before her time. We’ve wondered why seasons of The Block still went ahead during the goddamn Global Financial Crisis. (Correct, all my references are from the mid-2000s, I am old, correct, ten points to Gryffindor.) But I think I speak for all of Australia when I say that nothing — nothing — was more shocking than the twist that the finale of The Bachelor took last night. 

The winner of this year’s Bachelor seemed so fucking obvious that even when I saw that article, I dismissed it as some planted decoy Channel Ten was using to lead us away from the ultimate TRUTH. That is how surprised I was about this twist.

To recap: Sam thinks Lana is articulate and talks about her eyes with such salivating intensity that it would not surprise me if his eventual plan was to take them out of her face and devour them with a nice chianti. Of Snez, Sam says, “I never expected to meet a single mum”. It’s not clear if he’s speaking about The Bachelor, or his life in general. While still confused about the mechanics of how a single person can have a child, he still seems to think she’s alright. Lana explains in voiceover that Sam has “so many qualities” that she likes, but doesn’t actually name any. Snez is described as a “stunning single mother”. Osher is so excited.

After stretching out his hammie in a paddock — the beginning of all traditional Tasmanian mating rituals — Sam welcomes his dad, sister and brother to Sydney. They call him “Sambo”, compliment each other’s jackets and laugh about buying clothes from the op shop. Just like your family! Haha, what a regular Aussie family.

They all sit around in the paddock and tell Sam they’re shocked at how into being the Bachelor he is, pretending it’s isn’t clearly a fantastic scenario to be in. They all decide collectively that when you love someone, you just know. Sam says he has truly met some “incredible women” except he says it in a real slutty way, and I suddenly feel so bad for his dad.

Did I mention that Sam’s dad has the same hair as him, but instead of growing up it grows horizontally out of the back of his head?

While this is happening, Snez is waiting in the bushes for Sam to tell her it’s okay to come out and meet the rest of the Wood clan. She is very nervous because they don’t know that she’s a single mum, which she tells them with all the solemnity of someone who’s decided to confess that they dabble in a little cannibalism on the weekend.

“I haven’t told them about you, because I don’t think I need to,” Sam says, defensively. Jesus Christ, I think they’ll be able to handle it. And of course: they’re totally cool with it! The thing that trips them up the most is that Snez is from a strange foreign land called Perth Macedonia. Sam’s dad can’t figure out her name! Sam tells him not to worry because, “I call her everything to avoid saying Snezana”. Hahahaha, lolololol, multiculturalism, hahahaha, we’re a long way from Tasmania, hahaha.

Snez explains to the Woods that it was actually her daughter Eve that encouraged her to come on the show. “She was like, ‘It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, mum!’” says Snez. “Awww,” say the Woods. Ah, I’m sorry, what 9-year-old says crap like ‘once in a lifetime opportunity’!? When you are nine, you don’t think about things only happening once because you don’t ever think about mortality, because you are A CHILD. “Once in a lifetime opportunity” is a phrase that adults invented to justify stupid decisions. Well played, Snez. Well played.

Snez is then passed over to Sam’s Dad, who has a straight talkin’ attitude and a goatee that lights up when he detects dishonourable intentions. Just as Snez is discussing the potential reactivation of her reproductive organs, the conversation turns to Sam’s mum, who passed away a while ago, and everyone starts crying. Out of respect, the camera turns away. HAHAHAHA, of course it doesn’t you idiots, come back down to the gutter with the rest of us. Sam thinks it is so funny that his dad cried.

Now it’s Lana’s turn! Sam and Lana have a very intense, kind of grind-y hug and he tells her she’s beautiful like, twice in 30 seconds. Lana asks Sam if she should call his dad “Mr. Wood”. He says that if she does, he’ll “sort you out quickly”. I don’t know what that means.

Sam’s dad sees Lana and says, “Sam’s got another cracker!” and his sister says, “Lana is a bubble of goodness!” Everyone in this family is attracted to Lana. At one point in the conversation, Lana turns to Sam and says, “we LIKE surprises” and kind of giggles, and I don’t know, she probably meant hang-gliding or something, but it sounded a little too 50 Shades for a quaint family meal. Then, as if not to be outdone, Lana makes Sam’s sister cry and then explains to her why she’s crying.

“When you care about someone, you want them to find love,” Lana says. What an intellectual!

Later on, Lana skins the nearest rabbit, drapes its carcass around her slender neck and she and Sam hop into a helicopter that takes them to the Blue Mountains. Sam thinks about all the crazy adventures he has had with Lana. Man, these two are crazy. These totally wild and mental lunatics get out of the helicopter and Sam announces what outlandish and unreal prank the pair will be embarking on next: sitting in a rowboat in the middle of a lake, on a gross cold day.

“I assume that, like every girl, you love The Notebook,” he says. Oh, yeah. I guess they do go on a rowboat in The Notebook. They also have sex up against a wall. Probably should have watched the whole movie, champ.

Lana and Sam eat toasted marshmallows and discuss how convenient it is that they want exactly the same things: to live happy lives! Lana says something about her own eyes, Sam starts drooling uncontrollably and they make out in front of the fire. What a couple of madcap hooligans.

Hey, it’s Snez’s date now! Sam picks her up in a fancy car, because at some point he decided that cars are Snez’s favourite thing, just as water is Lana’s favourite thing and Heather’s favourite thing is regressing into her childhood. They have a picnic on the beach and talk about how secluded it is, while three separate cameras zoom in on Snez eating a strawberry. Sam reckons “it’s amazing” to be having a picnic. He starts reminiscing with Snez on the moments they shared, which judging by her frozen look, sounds a little like a break-up speech. But heck! Snez thought she was going out in week two! Her daughter forced her to be on this show; she blindfolded Snez and drove her to the airport!

Night falls, and Sam leads Snez into a barn. In the barn is a couch made of hay. Sam probably made it with his bare hands. Snez checks again that Sam remembers that she has a daughter and Sam agrees that it’s “hard to get my head around”. Snez then tells him “I have fallen in love with you,” and he says “That’s such a beautiful thing to hear”.

Quick poll: If you ever got that response from saying “I love you” for the first time would you:

a) Pretend that they had misheard you and you were actually just saying something in ‘Macedonian’?

b) Set the hay couch on fire, then them, then yourself?

Anyway, a decision has to be made. Sam stares into the swimming pool. Lana stares out the window. Snez stares into the fire. We stare into the abyss of our souls. Osher stares into another single-serve vegan lasagna. The time has come.

Sam dresses in his navy suit, the classic uniform of indecision and explains that he likes both girls, but in the case of Snez, “my life as I know it would change forever”. Snez echoes this, admitting, “I’m not the easy choice”. Moths continually fly into Lana’s eyes, mistaking them for twin porch lights. Sam waits nervously, while Osher reminds him of the first night they met. Sam dismisses him. Osher whispers to himself, “You missed your chance, Osh”.

"Because I wasn't man enough to make those relationships last" I bloody love you Sam. #thebachelorAU pic.twitter.com/UA11WQ9w3T

— Osher Günsberg (@oshergunsberg) September 17, 2015

The first car rolls up, the one with the obvious loser who needs to be let down lightly, and this is when I start yelling at the TV.

It’s fucking Lana. Osher is leading fucking Lana out of the car. How did we miss this? How did SHE miss this? This is unbelievable. Lana was so busy having intellectual conversations with Sam that she missed the bit where he didn’t actually like her. This was an absolutely champagne twist that will go down in Australian broadcasting history, particularly for everyone who is not Lana (sorry, Lana). Remember Cathy Freeman winning the gold at the Sydney 2000 Olympics? I don’t. I’ve erased that memory to make room in my brain to re-play this moment, over and over again (sorry, Lana).

After some sweet talk about her eyes and the fact that he’s “never had a bad conversation” with her, Sam lets Lana down lightly. She is shocked, but holds it together until the cameras chase her and find her crying under a tree.

Oh Lana! #TheBachelorAU pic.twitter.com/AnrzXGf6Ee

— Osher Günsberg (@oshergunsberg) September 17, 2015

You said it, Osher.

Then it dawns on you: Snez won. Snez won! Aw! We are all Snez! We are all Sam! We can only DREAM to be Osher. Sam cries a little and says, “I want to look after you forever… and I totally understand that it’s not just looking after you”. He hands Snez a little necklace for Eve. OH MY GOD, IT’S SO SWEET AND NICE AND — oh my god, that is the weirdest ring I have ever seen.

Well, that’s that then. I don’t know if Sam was meant to propose to Snez, but have you seen the rings that girl rocks? She’s going to need some slicker ice than that. At least he knows how to pronounce her name now.

Smashed it.