Welcome to our Thursday recap of The Bachelor Australia — you can read Sinead Stubbin’s excessively funny Power Ranking from Wednesday here.

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Look, love is a big scam formulated by the lizard-people who run Hallmark, spread via chemicals in roses and boxes of chocolate, but we’re all hooked on that sweet poison baby, so we might as well get our hit somehow. And the more I think about it, and the more chemtrails I absorb, the more I think The Bachelor is onto something. Might as well look for love as inefficiently and painfully as possible, so let’s do it on TV.

Every week I seek to learn lessons about romance and love from The Bachelor, because I’m absolutely addled with fluoride and vaccine damage, so let’s break down all the dumb bullshit I have seen and extrapolate life lessons from it.

1. Fly Away In A Big Red Ballbag

Nothing says romance like inflating a huge crimson scrotum and floating into the sky, absolutely soaring on some dingle-dangles. Nothing represents a man’s virility like sending jets of flame into the ballsack and watching it lift off from the ground, carrying you and the woman you maybe love and also a random dude with a ponytail who controls the balloon.

Once your swollen testicles have taken to the sky, you can tenderly hold your lady friend (Rhiannon?) and point at various things.

“You’ve got cows, sheep, dogs, rabbits uh… multiplying, big properties — it’s all down there,” says the Honey Badger.

2. Never, Ever Make A Boy Laugh

Rhiannon has fallen into a deadly trap — she’s cracked a few jokes that made the Honey Bachelor do his big belly laugh, probably joking about dropping a sanga in the school car park, or giving a slow accountant a wet-willy, and that’s bad. Because now that she’s made him laugh, he finds it harder to imagine rooting her.

“I could definitely have her as a mate,” he says uneasily.

“Do you want a grape?” asks Rhiannon. “Can you see the size of these, they’re bloody huge.”

It’s a shame she made the mistake of being funny, because that kind of repartee seems extremely Honey Badgerlor.

3. Do Not Be In The City

It is good to get away from the city. The city can be baffling for a good and pure boy like The Badgchelor, and he must retreat into the wild and sniff the air, wee on trees, dig a hole and poop into it. He must turn his back on smoke-stacks and apartment buildings and just take his gaggle of gals into a clearing and breathe the air.

To find love, we must too run into the forest, and live off a steady diet of flame grilled burgers and champagne.

4. If You Are A Human Woman, You Must Also Drive A Dirt Bike

When the Honey Bachelor stole six of his women and drove them out into the country and stranded them in a paddock, he gave them no more information than “we’re going somewhere”. Vanessa Sunshine, who is a human woman, wore heels, which people made fun of her for.

“She is not going to survive in this highly curated wilderness,” cackled Romy, who was ready to drink her own urine to make the Bachelor admire her survival spirit. “Her SHOES are too POINTY.”

But Vanessa surprised everyone by being able to survive a night outdoors.

“To most people’s surprise, I grew up in the country and had a pet donkey and everything,” she said, matter of factly. Turns out she can wear what she wants and also be capable of doing things if she wants to.

5. Drive Fast and Shower Your Crush With Dirt

“When the time gets tough, who hits the accelerator, and who pumps the breaks?” asks our solid Bachy boy, justifying why he wants to ride around on a dirt bike with some beautiful women. It’s because it’s a metaphor for love, not because it’s fun? It’s also a bad metaphor, because pumping the breaks is the best way not to crash your car into the ocean.

But then again, maybe that’s why I’m so horribly single. Maybe I have to drive directly into the water more.

Anyway, our big curly baby zooms all over the place and sprays dirt and sand and leaves into Romy’s evil face and mouth, but it got her a rose.

6. Don’t Ever Say What You Think Or Express How You Feel

Let’s be real here — Vanessa Sunshine was voted off the island, or however this fucked up sex-game works, and it’s a crying shame. Never have I actually seen myself so perfectly represented on reality TV before.

There’s something very special when a young, dour, uptight, fashion conscious man finally sees someone like Vanessa Sunshine, who spent the entire time glaring at all the idiots around her and looking person. I’d act more excited about it, except I can’t be bothered, and that’s what Vanessa Sunshine would have wanted.

Her cardinal sin was not going absolutely batshit for the big ol’ Bachy boofhead, and remaining less than impressed by his appearance and demeanour and actions.

“I’m not your run of the mill standard rooster that Vanessa would like to date,” mutters the Honey boy, looking put out.

“You have lovely teeth,” concedes Vanessa Sunshine, after refusing to praise him like all the other women.

When she fails to get a rose because of her extreme realness, Osher appears out of the wilderness like a handsome yeti, and tells her to say goodbye to the nest of vipers she had to endure for the past billion weeks. At her last, she is the epitome of Vanessa Sunshine, and decides not to do that, because she doesn’t want to.

Let’s remember Vanessa Sunshine as the perfect icon she is through this quote:

“I am not one of those girls who is like ‘aaaah’ when their name gets read out, I am happy inside, but I am not going to express it through my body movements.”

RIP, Vanessa Sunshine. But if we want to find love, we have to act the OPPOSITE of her.

The Bachelor is on every Wednesday and Thursday nights from now until when we all die. Junkee will be recapping them all.

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Patrick Lenton is an author and staff writer at Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.