Every Terrible Lesson I Learned About Love While Watching ‘The Bachelor’: Ballet Edition
Love is about squeezing yourself into some cute tights.
Welcome to our Thursday recap of The Bachelor AU — you can read Sinead Stubbins’ excessively funny Power Ranking from Wednesday here.
Wiser people than I have called love a ‘dance’: if you’re smart, you realise that there are steps, certain moves, established modes of behaviour. When things are working well, you’re in sync with your partner, and you work in harmony. Sometimes the furious mayor of your town forbids you from doing it in public!
This is a flawless analogy.
So, it’s no real surprise that The Bachelor has decided to lean into this whole dance idea. Every episode they try to deconstruct the steps involved in romance and then cobble them back together to fit a highly contrived televisual format for our gleeful and unrepentant enjoyment. They use an entire team of highly trained TV sadists to choreograph a love dance.
But, one of the beautiful things about dancing is that any idiot can give it a try. And much like Fran from Strictly Ballroom, I am going to follow Nick Cummins’ lurching, faltering steps and try to learn the dance… of romance. I am going to dance like nobody is watching.
So without further bullshit, here’s all the romance steps I’ve learned from The Bachelor.
“Haha bye, you idiot”
1. Know Nothing About The Person You Love
Group dates with the Badgerlor have always had a kind of sweaty pre-teen boy intensity to them — big trucks, fast bikes and beautiful women playing Yu-Gi-Oh!
So let’s not even go into the reasoning behind the bizarre activity chosen today, which involves racing Segways around a track while being quizzed about the banal bullshit that the Honey Bachelor enjoys doing.
“Brum-Brum!”
What this looks like is two attractive adult women zooming past each other and then being asked a question like “what does Nick value more, honesty, loyalty or Nicholas Tesla?”
Anyway, basically nobody knew much about this baffling slab of barbecued beef, so the lesson I’ve taken from it is: don’t worry.
Just be heaps enthusiastic about Segways instead.
2. Always Go Fast
It’s hard for the contestants on this show to even show the slightest disapproval of Nick McBadger. They have to remain flushed and excited at all times! Otherwise, they will be labelled the next Vanessa Sunshine, a normal human woman who has a normal reaction to being told they must marry a bouncy stranger on live TV (I don’t actually know how this show works tbh).
Anyway, the Badgerboi got on the Segway at some point and he kinda sucked at it. He did not go fast enough, and it was the closest I’ve ever seen to outright criticism.
“He was going pretty slow, he was like a Ninja Turtle, without the ninja… just a turtle,” said Brittany. I enjoy Brittany.
Anyway, Brittany put her money where her mouth is, and absolutely fanged it around the course, stacking it big time. She did getting injured right — unlike Jamie Lee (RIP), she was able to immediately spring back into action without a moon boot.
“This reality dating show will be the DEATH of me”
“I did a big fall”
“I like how she can reset like that,” says the Bagcherlor, who famously hates women with obvious and regular weaknesses.
“Doodley-boodley, I hope your skin is soft and bulletproof”
3. Do Not Be An Android
“True bloody right i’m real, i’m just a regular bloke, just a true blue aussie legend, just a big old bachy boy made out of skin and blood and gristle, i put on my pants one swollen calf muscle at a time, i clean my teeth with bone broth and fall asleep in a regular suburban cave. Too bloody right. Too bloody right. Right.”
Brooke got a single date with Nick, and that’s exciting. It seems like they have a nice connection! Except she is probably slightly too short to win the competition, I don’t make the rules.
Anyway, Brooke really opened up about what she likes most about the Bachelor — namely, that he is not the simulacra of a human, or a robot, or a lizard creature wearing human skin.
“You are just so genuine,” she says, gazing into his muddy eyes. “So authentic, so real.”
She is either massively excited that she isn’t being catfished or she just discovered how to use a Thesaurus.
4. Try New Things
I criticise the Honey Bachelor a lot about how he forces all his mansion brides to do weird shit that he likes, such as sports and helicopters.
But, to his credit, in this episode, he took someone named Emily to the ballet, because he knew that she liked ballet! It was like a complete reversal of how a usual episode goes — Emily was confident and enjoying herself, looking elegant and happy and carefree.
“Hooray, I wasn’t forced to eat bugs or jump out of a burning tower to prove that I’m worthy of love!”
And The Bachelor made a good show of himself too, even though he felt out of place and awkward. He smashed his nuts into some tights and gave dancing a red hot go.
“Hoo-roo, how am I gonna mash me febrile boys, me swollen baby-bags, me pulsating bachy eggs into these little ballet duds?”
“How’s your father, my garden-hose is all coiled up like a king brown at the bottom of the shed! DING-DONG-DOODLY DEE BOOP BOOP”.
The lesson here is that sometimes you have to go outside your comfort zone and just do something that you really don’t wanna do, in order to make someone happy.
However, tellingly, while Nick Badger did put on a brave face during his dancing lesson, he did not give a rose to Emily afterwards. I think he was having a bit of a sulk, and didn’t feel all special and loved like when his dates pretend to love shooting at seagulls or driving dodgem cars or whatever other bullshit he enjoys.
5. Put On Tights
I’m sorry, but maybe this says more about me, but for the first time ever I can see what the fuss is about the Honey Penn-Badgely. Shoving his thick legs into grey tights just really does it for me!
Maybe it’s because he looks like He-Man.
Well, technically he looks like Adam before he turns into He-Man, you fucking nerd.
The Bachelor is on every Wednesday and Thursday nights from now until when we all die. Junkee will be recapping them all.
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Patrick Lenton is an author and staff writer at Junkee. He tweets @patricklenton.