Sylvester Stallone Just Wrote The Movie Of Your Dreams

As far as brains go, Sylvester Stallone’s doesn’t get much credit. The legendary action star and marble-mouthed mumbler has become a melty-faced screen punchline over the years, a ‘roid-abusing meathead and symbol of Hollywood’s worst mouth-breathing tendencies.

Well, people are jerks. Stallone is a muscly genius. I think sometimes people forget that he wrote all the Rockys, all the Rambos, Cobra, and that excellent homoerotic sequel to Saturday Night Fever… The guy co-wrote Over The Top, an exciting movie ABOUT ARM WRESTLING. The guy deserves a Pulitzer, or at least a polite round of applause.

In an attempt to recapture his mid-’70s ‘man of letters’ mystique, Stallone’s gone back to writing movies his mug won’t be seen in, like the incredible action-thriller, Homefront (due out in November), whose trailer dropped today.

Starring Jason Statham and James Franco as a couple of tough guys (well, a tough guy and a weedy creep) on either side of the law, the movie sees shit escalate when Kate Bosworth’s asshole of a fat kid aggressively bullies Statham’s daughter at the local playground (“Cool hat, loser!”). The parents, in their own silly parallel, soon engage in similar recreational fisticuffs, violently yelling and punching and stealing each other’s stuffed bunnies.

And then Jason Statham quietly whispers “Whatever you’re thinking… Re-think it.” and everyone’s heart explodes from the awesomeness.

Obviously, the internet’s already losing its mind about this: “Why is Winona Ryder in this, and why does Winona Ryder look as though she’s wondering why Winona Ryder is in this?” asks AV Club‘s Sean O’Neal. “Why is James Franco in a Jason Statham movie playing a meth dealer named Gator?” asks Vulture‘s Jesse David Fox. “Why does Kate Bosworth look so frighteningly ill?” asks everybody. “Jason Statham vs James Franco? Screenplay by Sylvester Stallone. Take my MONEY!” types some kid on YouTube.

And, like that, Stallone’s screen reputation is finally restored.

Oh wait, he also just released the trailer to his other new movie, Grudge Match.

Sigh. F**k you, Stallone