The Strokes Of Rage: Comedown Machine Reviewed

We asked regular Junkee contributor, Alasdair Duncan, to review the new Strokes album, which is out next week but streaming from Pitchfork right this very second. He came back with this. We guess it’s a good review?

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The rest of The Strokes weren’t thrilled when Julian Casablancas said they’d be recording their new album in the abandoned video arcade near his apartment, but he was the boss, and he always got his way. “I’ve heard this place is haunted,” Albert said. “That’s right,” Fab chimed in, “they say that bands go in here and never come out again.” Julian rolled his eyes, pulling a quarter from the pocket of his worn leather jacket. “You guys are so dumb, that’s a bunch of baloney,” he said, as he sidled up to a machine called Strokes Of Rage and dropped the coin into the slot. “Julian … NO!” shouted Nick, but it was too late. With a bright flash of light, the band disappeared.

Stage 1: ‘Tap Out’
The guys looked around in disbelief. The old video arcade was gone, and in its place was a retro-style cityscape, with neon signs shimmering and bright, synthetic sounds all around. The buildings all looked the same, repeating to the end of the street and beyond. Suspended in the air in front of them, they saw a series of blocky white letters. THE ONCE PEACEFUL REPTILIA CITY HAS FALLEN INTO THE HANDS OF AN EVIL CRIMINAL SYNDICATE, AND IT’S UP TO OUR FIVE BRAVE HEROES TO SAVE IT. “Uhh, you guys …” Julian said. “Where are we?”

Stage 2: ‘All The Time’

Before the band even had time to catch their breath, thugs started appearing at each end of the street, with their firsts raised and mean grimaces on their faces. “You guys, what do we do?” squealed Fab. Nick looked down at the chunky, pixelated guitar in his hands and let loose a riff that sounded just like the old days – to his great surprise, the enemies began to fall back. “Get em!” he shouted. As the thugs’ numbers began to thin out, Julian lowered his sunglasses and dispatched the last of them with a beam of cool directly from his eyes.

Stage 3: ‘One Way Trigger’

The guys had forgotten how good it felt to work together, and they were fighting fit as they jumped across rooftops, taking out wave after wave of enemies. The city lights gleamed around them and everything felt clean and a little artificial. Julian delivered an uppercut to a nearby trashcan and unlocked a new weapon: Falsetto. He unleashed it on a group of thugs and they flew backwards, flickering on the ground for a few seconds before disappearing. “If we work together, we just might make it through this,” he said, a big grin on his face.

Stage 4: ‘Welcome To Japan’
After clearing the rooftop stage with ease, the guys found themselves in an abandoned warehouse. Enemies were coming thick and fast, but the five friends had settled into a familiar rhythm – punch / punch / kick / punch / punch / kick. Bright red-hooded ninjas burst out of hidden doorways, but the guys finished them with ease. Nikolai tossed one into a crate, picked up the Big, Fuzzy Bass power-up, and laid waste to all around him.

Stage 5: ‘‘80s Comedown Machine’
The band had almost cleared the warehouse when they realised something was wrong. “Guys,” Albert asked, “where’s Julian?” When they found their singer, he was down on one knee, doubled over with just one bar of health remaining. “The ninjas … got me …” he said, struggling to breathe. “Go on … without … me …” Fab shook his head, producing a health power-up that he had saved from the last stage. “Take this man,” he said. “There’s no way we’re leaving you behind. You’re one of us.”

Stage 6: ’50 50′
With Julian’s health restored, he and the guys took on the remaining ninjas – they swarmed all around, but the band, filled with rage and purpose, took them easily. Nick gritted his teeth and send out furious waves of guitar at them. Fab pounded away at the enemies with his sticks, while Julian delivered uppercut after uppercut, followed by a series of roundhouse kicks. They fell away, into flickering piles of pixels on the ground, but twice more seemed to take their place. The guys felt over-whelmed, when suddenly…

Stage 7: ‘Slow Animals’
‘WOOHOO!’ shouted Fab, as he looked down on the twinkling city lights. He was excited, but then he always liked the chopper stages the best. It was sure lucky that the Strokescopter had swept in to save the band when it did. Jetpack-wearing enemies flew close behind, moving in jerky up-and-down motions and firing bolts of colourful energy, but the Strokescopter was sleeker and faster, and as Julian and the guys cruised through the night sky, they felt invincible.

Stage 8: ‘Partners In Crime’
The Strokescopter touched down on the roof of a skyscraper, and the band knew there wasn’t long to go now. A new wave of enemies had appeared – mean-looking punks with mohawks and knuckle-dusters – but the band had unlocked the Bouncy Guitar power-up, and took them out easily. They fought their way through hallways and down narrow staircases, punching and kicking enemies away. The guys were smiling at how easy it all seemed, just like the old days. Nick dispatched the last of the enemies with a screeching solo, and everything went quiet.

Stage 9: ‘Chances’
“Is this it?” Julian asked nervously, and the rest of the guys nodded. The band had paused, taking in one final moment of calm as they stood before a chunky set of doors. The final boss was on the other side, they could just feel it. “Whatever happens …” he stopped, his voice breaking. “Whatever happens in there, I love you guys.” “We love you too,” the rest of the band said. A big red heart flickered into life above their heads, and they jumped up together to touch it, maxing out their health bars. “Let’s go!” Julian shouted.

Stage 10: ‘Happy Ending’
The big boss was waiting for them on the other side of the door. He was four times their size, bouncing up and down on the balls of his pixelated feet, the tails of his bandana fluttering behind him, and his blonde pompadour swishing. “I RULE REPTILIA CITY!” he growled. “YOU STROKES WILL BOW DOWN BEFORE ME!” The music was triumphant as the band began ducking and diving around him. His fists were fast but theirs were faster, and it wasn’t too long before they had him on the ropes. As the big boss stood reeling, Julian rushed in to deliver his special attack: The Killer Hook. The boss exploded into a ball of glowing light, and suddenly…

Stage 11: ‘Call It Fate Call It Karma’
The band woke in a daze, to find themselves lying on the floor of the abandoned arcade, bathed in the lights from the machines. Julian squinted as he sat up and rubbed his forehead. “What happened, you guys?” he asked. “Hey look!” Fab said. “Someone unlocked a new high score on Strokes Of Rage. You don’t think …?” They paused. “Naaaah,” the guys all said at once, as they made their way out of the arcade and back into the cold night, with their arms wrapped playfully around each-other.

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Alasdair Duncan is an author, freelance writer and video game-lover who has had work published in Crikey, The Drum, The Brag, Beat, Rip It Up, The Music Network, Rave Magazine, AXN Cult and Star Observer.