Science Says Dump Him And Get A Dog

A new study has once again confirmed the bleedingly obvious, verifying what any non-straight-male already knows to be true: Sleeping next to dogs is better for you than sleeping next to a man.

*deep breath* AHHH DUUUUUHHHHHHHH.

This one gif is better than any man, TBH.

I’m a man who dates men, so allow me to be the first to state that men suck! We’re the worst in many many aspects of existence, but bed-sharing has to be up there on the list, probably just behind ruining the world in general.

Anyone who’s been the little-spoon to a man-shaped big spoon knows that the hellish combination of beard stubble scratching your neck, ear-shattering snoring, night farts and, lets be real for a second, frankly disgustingly designed external genitals that do nothing but get in the way, often lead to a garbage night’s sleep.

Dogs though? The odd bit of flatulence aside, a pooch sleeping buddy has none of these drawbacks, which is why the US study, led by Dr. Christy L. Hoffman, a professor in Animal Behaviour, has come out full pro canine.

Surveying nearly 1000 female participants, the study looked at people’s sleeping habits, in particular who or what they generally sleep with, and charted it alongside something called the Pittsburgh Sleep Quality Index. The results, whilst admittedly based on self-reporting and aggregated data, are fairly clear: Dogs rule and men drool.

Amongst the findings Dr. Hoffman found that “compared with human bed partners, dogs who slept in the owner’s bed were perceived to disturb sleep less and were associated with stronger feelings of comfort and security”.

Pictured: a dog offering you security.

The impact of having cats sleeping in bed with you were also looked at. Unfortunately it isn’t great news for fans of the fluffy hell beasts, as “cats who slept in their owner’s bed were reported to be equally as disruptive as human partners, and were associated with weaker feelings of comfort and security than both human and dog bed partners”.

Dog owners also apparently have “earlier bedtimes and wake times than individuals who had cats but no dogs”, which also makes sense as cats are lazy pieces of shit whilst dogs are eager go-getters keen to commence a day of giving nothing but love and joy.

Thank you science! We now have proof that the dogs are better than men and both are better than cats. Sorry everyone, it’s fact.