Six Embarrassingly Bad Hollywood Films That Were Shot In Australia

Oy, Frankenstein.

Not that the local film industry should be ungrateful, but America makes a lot of shit movies in Australia. If we’re lucky we might barely notice, as with Star Wars Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith (2005) or The Wolverine (2013). Other times, these films feel the need to drag this country’s natural beauty, excellent actors, unique architecture, and ‘down under’ hospitality through the mud alongside their terrible dialogue, wooden actors, and lazy action sequences. For all the benefits that come with hosting a big-time American film production (see: money, jobs, potential tourism dollars), unless you’re The Matrix (1999) high quality doesn’t appear to be a common trait. The new release I, Frankenstein isn’t the first and won’t be the last, but it may actually be THE WORST.

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I, Frankenstein (2014)

Aussie director Stuart Beattie made the quality Tomorrow When The War Began (2010) adaptation, but this modern revisionist take on Mary Shelley’s almost 200-year-old novel is a disaster. As I’ve mentioned before, this effects-laden lump of cinematic coal is as nonsensical and ill-conceived as it is boring, and may be the loudest movie I have ever fallen asleep during. Apart from looking at star Aaron Eckhart’s hunky, patchwork physique, the only bright spot of this dark and gloomy affair is spotting all the ‘Made in Melbourne’ filming locations. Didn’t think the National Gallery of Victoria, with its impressive cascading water façade, could be transformed into a train station? Well, it can! Or how about seeing Degraves Lane become a nondescript European alleyway? They do that, too. They could have at least kept the Grill’d store for when Frankenstein’s Monster gets peckish. Local actors Miranda Otto, Jai Courtney, Caitlin Stacey and Yvonne Strahovski deserve better.

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Queen Of The Damned (2002)

I watched Queen Of The Damned for the first time just this week and, boy, how had I gone all this time without having experienced the wonders of Michael Rymer’s ghastly, hideous vampire chronicle? Remembered principally for its star Aaliyah, who died in a plane crash six months before release (her brother, Rashad, helped the filmmakers finish the movie), this ridiculous horror-rock musical is a debacle in every capacity. When your eyes aren’t reeling from the appalling visual effects and incredibly un-sexy performance of Stuart Townsend, you may be able to spot RMIT’s Stoney Hall with its green cubist entrance, the Rosati Building and its stunning mosaic work, Wyndham Quarry in Werribee, and various other locations masquerading as a London and America overrun by so 2002 goths. Travel back in time to this AngelFire website, which miraculously still features behind-the-scenes photos from the filming.

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Mission: Impossible II (2000)

“Welcome to Australia, mate”, says Tom Cruise in John Woo’s Mission: Impossible II. To which we all responded, “Get fucked, mate.” Just one year later Cruise would divorce Nicole Kidman and lose his tag as ‘our favourite adopted son’, but not before giving us this giant turd of a sequel to the entertaining franchise starter, Mission: Impossible (1996). With little reason to set a film here other than the tax incentives, Cruise and Woo (he of the repetitive slow-motion and doves) awkwardly shove locations like the Sydney Opera House and Darling Harbour into a nonsensical narrative that featured more dodgy disguises than a game of ‘Guess Who?’.

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Knowing (2009)

I have never been to Boston, so I can’t say whether Alex Proyas’ apocalyptic thriller about mathematics (and you probably thought that was impossible) did a particularly good job at recreating it. Still, it’s funny to think that Camberwell High School, Parliament Station, and even the then-unfinished Geelong Ring Road were able to stand in for a city that 400-years old. Star Nicolas Cage stated that “it’s a great city to shoot a movie in. Food’s excellent, people are nice, hardworking crew.” Shame the film was such a mish-mash of ideas, ugly visuals, and some genuinely goofy science.

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Ghost Rider (2005)

Here’s another Nicolas Cage vehicle, this one far more stupid than the last. Director Mark Steven Johnson screwed up Daredevil (2003), and did it once again with his second comic book adaptation, Ghost Rider. As if discovering it wasn’t actually a film about childhood favourite Ghostwriter (1992-1995) wasn’t bad enough, I was aghast to realise how badly they botched the use of locations like Flagstaff Station, Telstra Dome, and the Yarra River arch bridge. The Victorian government clearly weren’t shamed, and used Ghost Rider in their ‘Filming Guide To Melbourne‘ manual, despite the city being rendered virtually unrecognisable.

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Fool’s Gold (2008)

Don’t think Queensland gets out of this scot free. Fool’s Gold is a dire, humourless, offensive piece of rom-com garbage that is neither romantic, nor comedic. With its scintillating dialogue between Kate Hudson and a pre-McConaissance Matthew McConaughey (“You really think I’d lie about this?” “Why not? You’re a liar.”) and Ray Winston putting on a bad Aussie accent, Fool’s Gold at least makes attractive use of locations that include the Gold Coast, Cairns, Fraser Island and Brisbane.

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For better or worse, I Frankenstein opens in cinemas nationally today.

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Glenn Dunks is a freelance writer and film critic from Melbourne, and currently based in New York City. His work has been seen online (Onya Magazine, Quickflix), in print (The Big Issue, Metro Magazine, Intellect Books Ltd’s World Film Locations: Melbourne), as well as heard on Joy 94.9.