Do you ever look in your toothpaste stained mirror at you oily hair and last night’s make-up and think, “damn, bitch. You live like this?” I live in a rotating roster of doing this for a week, then going to the gym every day, drinking kale smoothies and pitching 50 new articles to 80 different publications. My shit is not together, but I am insecure enough to pretend I do, using these curated methods.

Go To New Bars Instead Of Your Local

If you drink at the kind of bars your friends tag each other in on Facebook and then never go to, you’re a cool dude who interests include “catching up with friends around the city” instead of sinking pints at some gross uni bar until you eventually die of an unrelated peanut allergy.

Buy A Cheapo 35mm Camera and Upload Photos From That

When your insta feed is full of grainy photos of train stations and pigeons taken from film, you are cool, you are arty and you probably live in a refurbish single terrace house with polished floors. I imagine you have many friends who are successful and definitely don’t sometimes sleep on the couch because you can’t be bothered walking to your bedroom.

Have More Than Two Types Of Tea In The House And Lie That You Have More

When someone comes over, ask them if they would like a cup of tea. When they say yes (which they will, unless you’re hanging out with a sociopath), rattle off a bunch of teas that you definitely don’t have, and make the one you do have the last one. They will pick that one. This is manipulative as fuck, but it’s a drink or be drunk world in the polite hospitality world.

Use Oil Melts

When your house smells like lavender and rosewater people will respect you more. My house smells like a curry I made six months ago and literally nobody respects me.

Own A Diary

Have you ever seen a person who says “let me check my diary first” wear their undies inside out to double their lifespan? *Slam dunk motion*

Put Fairy Lights Fucking Everywhere

Similar to the widely held belief that if you have a bunch of houseplants floating around, you don’t keep the same toothbrush for four years. If your house is full of ambient lighting, your hard rubbish bed and mouse eaten kitchen will look like the dwellings of a person who has a house deposit account.

Just Straight Out Lie

I don’t even care – just lie. Your weekend? Fantastic, saw some friends, went for a hike, saw a movie. Your week? Even better! Promotion, earnt a bonus at my big boy job that isn’t the same job I had at uni. Your life in general? Exciting, fulfilled. Sheets are not period stained.

Use Phrases Like “Five Year Plan”

Mmm. Career goals that are totally achievable and home ownership and marriage and travel plans are totally in the works. These are my plans that I plan on doing.

Put Your Fruit In A Bowl Instead of The Fridge

Your parents do it and you’re more likely to eat fruit.

Keep A House Plant Alive And Call It By Its Latin Name

“Oh? My ficus elastica? It keeps my air fresh and helps me concentrate on my work. That I do.”

Make Pickles Once And Keep Them In The Fridge Forever. Talk About It.

I don’t even need to elaborate on this, it always works.

(Lead image: Friends / Facebook)