Shane Warne Has Written The Most Beautiful Facebook Post Of Our Time

How do I nominate something for the Miles Franklin Award? Today, Shane Warne has told a ripper of a yarn on his Facebook page, a tale that is such a pure and evocative distillation of our time, that it should be published and put on every Australian school’s curriculum immediately.

It all began, when he wanted to have a quiet drink at Brynne Edelsten’s house.

The beautifully constructed post leaves us with a lot of questions (Who tipped off the paps? Was it Brynne? Were they following him? Behold the exquisite ambiguity of Shane Warne’s prose!) and it’s almost too much to take in straight away.

Let’s break this down:

“Some people never cease to amaze me,” Shane Warne begins. This is the great thing about Shane Warne: he’s seen some incredible things. He has played sport at an elite level! He’s travelled the world! Liz Hurley was his missus, for a while! And yet this true blue Australian boy, our Warnie, can still get amazed by stuff. You haven’t forgotten where you came from, legend.

“Listen to this one,” he continues. We’re listening, Warnie!

“After a fun night raising money for breast cancer in Geelong last night...” Will you look at this man? Will you look at this man who is generous and compassionate and is even willing to go to Geelong just to do the right thing? Not only could he bowl the head right off your shoulders, but he’s got a heart of bloody gold. Keep up the ace work, legend.

“… me & a few friends plus Brynne Edelsten went out for a couple of drinks. Brynne then invited me back to her place around 1am for a nightcap…” Woah! Having a mad one with the boys, sounds like! Sure Brynne was there, but she’s not one of his mates! She’s just an accommodating sheila who will sling ya a bevvy before you hit the hay! Nothing wrong with that, nothing at all. Haha, classic Warnie.

“…when I arrived, paparazzi were conveniently waiting outside her home to get the pic, coincidence ?” Oh, bloody hell. Can someone tell Geelong’s extensive paparazzi scene to lay off Warnie for just one night? Can’t a man grab a nightcap at a bird’s house without having his photo taken? Is this what our ANZACs fought for?

“I left instantly and thought how sad is that !” Too right, Warnie! How sad is this country if one ex-cricketer and one glamour model can’t share a quiet 1am drink after a night spent curing cancer, in the privacy of the glamour model’s home? If you read this and don’t think, ‘Fair cop Warnie, you’ve bloody nailed this’ then you hate Australia and everything it stands for. 

Don’t worry though, people came in to bat for Warnie and let him know that the Australian public is on his side (also: did we all decide that we were also going to call him ‘Shaneo’? That’s a referendum I must have snoozed through!):

Good stuff, Warnie. Good stuff.