Tears, tantrums and way too much testosterone: Channel Seven’s Seven Year Switch is back and trashier better than ever. Called “immoral” in its first season last year, the show observes four committed couples “on the brink” of separation, who enter into a so-called “social experiment” and switch partners with each other in a bid to save their failing relationships.

The couples are separated for three weeks and paired with like-minded partners in an attempt to help them see the “error of their ways” in their own relationships. In other words: same same, but different. If the first episode is anything to go by, the series is set to shock once again.

Sarge and Stacey Louise

After an intro complete with obligatory upbeat pop music and sweeping shots of sandy beaches, we meet “Sarge”, an ex-army Sergeant, and Stacey Louise, a girl with two first names. The couple are dubbed “The Controller” (Sarge) and “The Loner” (Stacey Louise). Together, they own a personal training business where they conduct boot camps kitted out in army pants. I don’t think Sarge takes his army pants off the entire episode. Sarge describes their relationship as “purely business… with some sex on the side”.

All poor Sarge wants to do is go to the pub and socialise, whereas “loner” Stacey Louise just wants to have a glass of chardy and go home to get her work done. Sarge tells Stacey that all he hears from her is “nag, nag, nag” but then again, he insists that they have separate food in the fridge and is bothered that she doesn’t have a “systematic approach” to their fridge.

“My God, it’s just a fridge!” she says, understandably. Stacey-Louise insists that she “doesn’t manufacture work”, but Sarge calls her a workaholic. She seems to have the odd hissy fit every now and then and throw clothes across the room. But we can’t really blame a girl that’s made to label her food before she eats it.

Johnny and Tracey

Johnny is a “family man” and Tracey is “wild at heart”. Both have “bubbly personalities”. They also have two kids and a seemingly intense work schedule. They were in an 11-year relationship but have just had a one-year separation. That obviously wasn’t enough time apart so now they’ve decided to go on SYS in an effort to fix their relationship.

Tracey just wants to be loved and held and told she’s beautiful (aww), and the two seem like they really are at their wit’s end with each other. Johnny seems a little highly strung and is allegedly more concerned about work than his relationship. Tracey insists that it “feels like being with a grumpy old man”. Their wall decal is fun and not at all ominous.

Michael and Felicity

Cut to Michael (dubbed Temperamental) and Felicity (dubbed The Loving Parent): a “young family in trouble”. They have been together five years, they’re engaged to be married, and they have been very busy. And I mean busy. They met at the pub and became “obsessed with each other”. Just three months after they met, Felicity was pregnant. Months after the birth of their first child, she was pregnant again.

They also have their own business making paleo “treats” to sell to health food stores. I would imagine that getting up at 4.30am to cut paleo bars into squares would make anyone a little cranky.

Due to their relationship issues, their wedding is now on hold and they sleep in separate beds. Felicity gets the master bedroom, while Michael is relegated a small single bed. Felicity says that for the relationship to continue “his temper would have to change”. But Michael also seems to take on the role of an eight-year-old child in the relationship while Felicity takes the reins. This becomes apparent when he’s playing with his kids, crawling around on the ground and pretending to be a monster. Felicity talks down to Michael, picking at him when he does the wrong thing like washing up “incorrectly”. Is she taking care of an extra child, or is her controlling nature just pushing him into that role? Time will tell.

Mark and Kaitlyn

And finally, we have Mark (labelled “Reserved”) and Kaitlyn (labelled as “Needy” — geez, how’s that for an identifier?!).

We are introduced to Kaitlyn while she’s in the car with Mark. She is busy taking selfies, telling Mark “omg I look so good right now”. Despite her potential role on the show as fodder for lols, she insists she is “100 percent committed” to Mark.

Kaitlyn seems quite insecure in the relationship and is constantly giving Mark gentle nudges for increased commitment to her. When they’re sitting at a restaurant she tells him, “Babe, when you’re ready to propose, I don’t want it to be in a restaurant, because that’s what everyone does”. However, Mark needs her to grow up or get out. He describes her as “clingy”, and we watch him screen her phone calls when he’s out drinking (at which she, at home, screams like a banshee in frustration).

In her defence, their shared home still resembles a “man cave” despite them having lived together for over half a year and Mark seems somewhat reluctant to let go of his bachelor life. For these two, participating in this experiment looks like a last-ditch attempt.

The Goodbyes

As the couples say their goodbyes, Temperamental Michael is packing up his things using a purple garbage bag. Loving Parent Felicity actually has two bags but won’t let him use one. She tells him it’s “not my issue”, because he should have been more organised.

They then break the news of the planned “experiment” to their friends and family, some of whom are visibly upset. Felicity’s sister thinks that the experiment is “a little bit wrong” and gets quite teary. It is a confusing idea that going to live with a like-minded partner (that isn’t your own) is going to fix (?!) your relationship and you have to wonder what kind of odd example is being set here.

Meanwhile, Reserved Mark seems to want to establish some ground rules with Needy Kaitlyn who seems a bit hazy on the rules in a conventional monogamous relationship. He tells her “no sleeping in the same bed as anyone else” and “no touching inappropriately”, as if she’s some kind of sexual predator. She holds up a (I’ve got to say, slightly grubby-looking) vibrator and tells him she’ll be having her fun with that while she is away. She seems slightly bothered that he doesn’t want a vibrator in his face saying; “Why do you have a problem with my vibrator? It’s natural!”.

Miss Independent Tracey tells Family Man Johnny, “there isn’t any rules, you do what you want to do”. She tells him she will be doing her own thing in the experiment rather than worrying about him. The night before they leave, Johnny asks whether they’ll have one more night sleeping together but Tracey tells him she’d rather sleep with her children. The next day, as she leaves, Tracey bids him a quick goodbye. “Have fun. See ya,” she says, smiling. She literally cannot wait to live with a stranger.

Loner Stacey Louise bids a teary farewell to The Controller, Sarge. “He was giving me cuddle-face,’ she blubs as he drives away.

The Switch

Practical and sensible Mark and Felicity are the first switched-up pair. On their first meeting, Mark is happy with the match. “She’s attractive, she’s professional,” he says, nodding in approval. Predictably they get to the bedroom and Felicity exclaims: “it’s not the one bedroom, is it?” in mock surprise. “My heart sunk, and I felt like I was going to vomit,” she says later.  Girl, we know you’ve seen the show already! Everyone knows about the one-bed sitch.

Kaitlyn and Michael are also paired up. Kaitlyn spots the only bed in the house and contemplates what this will mean. “I usually just tell [Mark] things and do my own thing anyway; but he usually doesn’t find out,” she says. Wait, what.

When they first meet, Kaitlyn tells Michael that he “looks really young” and guesses his age is 20. She is about 10 years off. “He’s got such a beautiful, symmetrical face,” she says.  They address the bed situation and Kaitlyn tells him that they can’t share a bed because she is attracted to him, so it wouldn’t be a good idea. Therefore, she gets the bed. In fact, she has already laid out a cringeworthy t-shirt on the bed which reads “I love my boyfriend”.

Tracey seems a little excited at the prospect of being paired with Sarge. Ever the gentleman, Sarge offers her the bed instantly, and admits that Tracey is “definitely a good-looking girl”.

Johnny and Stacey-Louise are the final couple to be paired together. Stacey-Louise is offered the bed but seems disappointed that she can’t share with Johnny and simply keep a “pillow wall” between them.

The couples are all given rings as a symbol of their three-week commitment to the experiment, and to their new “experimental” partners. Kaitlyn immediately insists that Michael propose to her seeing as she has never been proposed to which whoa, steady on. While they exchange rings, we cut to Felicity in her new relationship. She refuses to wear her ring and in an aside, tells us just how angry she would be if Michael were to wear his.

How great are relationships!

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Seven Year Switch is on Channel Seven tonight at 9pm.

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Megan is a freelance writer based in Sydney. She works in advertising and is determined to end up as a crazy dog lady. She tweets from @meganjaneandrew.