Everybody Is Baffled By Scott Morrison’s Confusing New Lockdown Rules

We are in the middle of a global pandemic. That requires clear, decisive communication from our leaders. Which is precisely what Prime Minister Scott Morrison happens to be monumentally bad at.

Yesterday, Morrison held a new presser designed to roll out further restrictions on movement around in public, and gatherings of large people. That’s not difficult information to impart — the United Kingdom’s Boris Johnson did it efficiently and effectively just a few days ago, and he’s not exactly the sharpest communicator at the best of times.

Stay two metres apart.

It's not such a difficult thing.

Do it. It really will save lives. #coronavirus #StaySafeSaveLives pic.twitter.com/SSbrwxjEar

— Boris Johnson #StayHomeSaveLives (@BorisJohnson) March 22, 2020

This was an easy goal for Morrison. And yet somehow Morrison monumentally stuffed it up.

Adopting his favourite tone — bad party clown getting shirty with a rabble of six-year-olds jumped up on red cordial — Morrison snapped, snipped, and bungled his way through a list of measures.

Some parts were easier to understand than others. Tattoo parlours, gyms, and food courts? All closed. Simple.

But what about haircuts? See, according to Morrison, hairdressers haven’t been told they have to shut. You’re just only allowed to sit in one for thirty minutes. And you have to keep yourself a metre and a half away from everyone else.

Oh, and funerals? They’re not banned either. No more than ten people allowed at any one time, apparently.

The longer the presser went on, the more these increasingly confusing rules began to pile up. The only people who can go to work are essential workers, apparently. But if you’re working now? Well, then you’re an essential worker automatically.

Basically, by the time the presser was over, Australia was thoroughly confused. And so we took to Twitter.

Guys, it’s simple. Scott Morrison is saying if you want to know what you can & can’t do, you simply have to take every third word he says & put it in descending order. This will spell out a riddle. Solve the riddle, and you’ll find a word doc with clear instructions. It’s a code.

— Bec Shaw (@Brocklesnitch) March 24, 2020

11 people CAN come to a funeral, but the extra person must cut the hair of the corpse

— ☠️??Patrick Lenton??? (@PatrickLenton) March 24, 2020

Govt: Just follow the information. Don’t panic.

Also govt: All info will be given at 10pm in the form of angry riddles, tune in to see if you have a job tomorrow bitch

— Meg Watson (@msmegwatson) March 24, 2020

One last thought, it's going to be really convenient in a weeks time when infection rates have increased and Scott Morrison can say, "well no one listened to me when I said 5 people here, 20 people there, for 30 minutes with at least 4m squared, equal the square root of pie"

— Nakkiah Lui (@nakkiahlui) March 24, 2020

Yep, seems like Scott Morrison had precisely one job, and he utterly bungled it. Although, given that’s been his modus operandi since he rose to the top, perhaps none of us should be particularly surprised.