What If Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer Was The Problem All Along?

The carol ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’ is a lighthearted Christmas retelling of the classic ugly duckling story – the story of someone who is ugly and unpopular and shit, who is suddenly appreciated after they become beautiful (or in the case of Rudolph, bright and useful to santa).

We are meant to feel sorry for Rudolph, the hero of this tale, as he is a social outcast until his nose lights the way for Santa, and he becomes popular.

Rudolph is supposedly vindicated by his magic nose, the other reindeers implied to be villains for laughing and calling him names, and never letting “poor Rudolph” play in all their “reindeer games”. He is the victim. We are meant to be on his side.

But maybe it’s my naturally suspicious nature or the three hours I spent listening to this song on repeat while on hold to a government agency, but I’m suddenly suspicious of Rudolph and the entire red-nosed reindeer agenda.

What if we are being too hard on the other reindeers? What if perhaps Rudolph had bad vibes and was simply unpleasant to be around?

A Matter Of Perspective

There’s an episode of 30 Rock where Tina Fey’s character, the acerbic and witty comedy writer Liz Lemon, gets super excited to go to her school reunion, so she can show all the people who bullied her that she was super cool and successful now, working in TV and living in New York. We are treated to several flashbacks of mean things kids said to her.

However, when she gets there, we discover that actually Liz — sarcastic, quick-witted, and intolerant of fools — was actually the mean one in high school, rather than the “loveable nerd that everyone picked on” that she thought she was. We see the same flashbacks, but through the other kid’s eyes, a tentative gesture of friendship like “Hey Liz, how’s the telescope?” answered cruelly with “I dunno Kelsey, how’s your mum’s pill addiction?”.

Liz is forced to review herself from the victim to the bully and spends the rest of the reunion trying to make her former victims like her.

I have to say that I had a moment of similar realisation about my own time in high school — sure I was homophobically bullied by many people, but it also gave me such an attitude that I was just a little bitch to be around in general, and unnecessarily cruel to people who were probably just being polite.

Perhaps we’re seeing Rudolph’s story before a moment of similar self-discovery. When he looks back, does he still believe that he was unfairly ostracised by the other reindeer? Or does he acknowledge that he had a lot of growing up to do himself?

History Is Written By The Winners

In fact, we have to be a little more critical of who is telling Rudolph’s story? What is known about Robert L. May who created the storybook in 1939 or Johnny Marks who popularised it through song? And what of their relationship to Rudolph himself?

It feels strange that we only have one, unverified account to base all our opinion on — and even more suspicious that it valorizes Rudolph entirely, dragging the other reindeer’s names through the mud. You know them — Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen? You’ve got Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen? They’re all pariahs now, all because Rudolph has potentially defamed them in the court of public opinion, with a relentless and catchy propaganda campaign.

How GOOD was King Wenceslas actually, or was he a merciless dictator who has rehabilitated his public image through song?

What other lies are being pushed on us through Christmas carol? Was it really cold outside, or was that guy just trying to find a way to trap a woman in his house? How GOOD was King Wenceslas actually, or was he a merciless dictator who has rehabilitated his public image through song?

Santa is a malevolent puppet master who plays off his employees against each other and only values them for utilitarian purposes? Elevating Rudolph once he becomes commercially useful to the business, but doing nothing to protect Rudolph from the other reindeers at other times smacks of a toxic work environment.

Maybe all the reindeers are incredibly unpleasant to each other (including Rudolph) but that’s only because of the horrific Hunger Games-style work environment that Santa fosters, late-capitalism in the Christmas industry turning the workers against each other.

The north pole seems like one of these classic family-run businesses that talks big about a progressive workplace without actually being one. Does Santa provide a HR department in which Rudolph can file complaints about being taunted at work? Are the reindeers UNIONISED???? What exactly does Mrs Claus do and is she on the payroll? And don’t even start me on Santa’s elves.

Sports

Apparently, Rudolph is never allowed to “play in any reindeer games”. What are these reindeer games, and what are the rules? Is he being excluded because he’s “different” or is he just shit at them and is never chosen to be on anyone’s teams? We don’t know.

Once when I joined a new school, there was a mixup and I ended up in a tense grand final game of waterpolo, representing my new school. I’d never played before, and was tiny and weak and flamboyant and scared of everything that was happening. After the ball came my way accidentally and I panicked and threw it out of the pool, the coach pulled me from the game. He was right to do so, and you don’t see me crying about it in a popular earworm Christmas carol.

Maybe Rudolph Was Not Horny Enough

According to Wikipedia, “during the mating season, males battle for access to females. Two males will lock each other’s antlers together and try to push each other away. The most dominant males can collect as many as 15–20 females to mate with. A male will stop eating during this time and lose much of his body reserves.”

There’s a lot of focus on Rudolph being excluded for his red nose, but what if he was excluded because he wanted to fuck so bad, but he simply wasn’t horny enough to win any of the horny battles and was excluded because of that? Feels like there’s a lot this Christmas carol isn’t telling us.

Anyway, I think Rudolph was a cunt. Next year I’m going to explore why the Little Drummer Boy was probably a serial killer.

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Patrick Lenton is a journalist, author, and former editor of Junkee. His new book Sexy Tales of Paleontology is out now. He tweets @patricklenton.