Pour Your Protein Shakes Out For Roger, The Swole Kangaroo
The stars are not wanted now, put out every one, for Roger the swole kangaroo has died at the impressive age of 12.
A true ‘Strayan legend, Roger made international headlines back in 2015 when a photo of him crushing a goddamn steel bucket as though it were a paper cup went massively viral. Turns out the ‘roo knew how to wield that sheer strength, too: Chris ‘Bolga’ Barnes, Roger’s human friend and the owner of the sanctuary where Roger lived ’till the end of his days, still sports a number of rather nasty scars from run-ins with the swole icon.
“If he grabs you, he doesn’t let go,” Barnes told Traveller. “You can’t get out easily. It’s a chokehold. As for a well-placed kick, it can disembowel you.”
But rather than fear the beast’s tremendous (and uncomfortably sexual) power, the world at large instead chose to deify him, and Roger became a poster boy for all that is both deeply imposing and yet strangely enticing about our fair land.
TRIBUTES FLOW FOR ROGERTributes have been flowing in for famous 12-year-old kangaroo Roger, after he died of old age…
Posted by ABC Alice Springs on Sunday, 9 December 2018
However, although in his prime Roger might have looked like someone lathered Jean-Claude Van Damme in glue and rolled him around a barbershop floor, the legend was something of an underdog.
His mother was slain when he was just a boy, his deadbeat dad abandoned him, and he was found on the side of the road and nursed slowly back to health.
But by the time he came of age, Roger stood a good head taller than most kangaroos — he weighed a whopping 89 kilograms, and gave off, dare I say, a distinct brand of particularly bestial big dick energy.
Indeed, in a eulogy posted to Facebook over the weekend, Barnes revealed that he started his kangaroo sanctuary to house Roger and his wives. Wives. Plural. We stan a polyamorous legend, clearly.
Farewell our darling Roger ❤️Sadly Roger has passed away of old age. He lived a lovely long life and was loved by millions around the world. We will always love you and miss you Roger ❤️
Posted by The Kangaroo Sanctuary Alice Springs on Saturday, 8 December 2018
Roger died of natural causes, at a ripe old age for a kangaroo – they tend to only live to 12. Clearly, all those years crushing metal and kicking his human friends kept the creature as wry as a young ‘un.
And anyway, as the old saying goes, weep not that we have lost him; smile that we ever had him at all. #PouroutyourproteinshakesforRoger.