Entertainment

All The Batshit Stuff You Missed On ‘Riverdale’ If You Gave Up After Season One

Let us catch you up to speed.

by Millie Roberts  22 December 2021
Riverdale

Want more Junkee in your life? Sign up to our newsletter, and follow us on Instagram and Facebook so you always know where to find us.

As the rest of the world weakly walked away from The CW’s Riverdale after a single — admittedly good — season, I religiously kept going. Not because I enjoy the content, but out of sheer duty and habit.

Riverdale is quite literally one of the worst shows I have ever seen in my entire life, and yet something about it is so hysterical, so deranged, and so enticing that I’ve felt obligated to watch every episode.

It’s been nearly five years since its debut, yet six seasons and 100 episodes later, it feels as though I am the last person on planet Earth watching Riverdale, simply because someone’s got to. From ritual sacrifice, serial killers, and making deals with the actual devil, here’s what you missed if you dropped out three episodes in.

Archie Goes To War

Titular character from the Archie comics and protagonist of Riverdale Archie Andrews kind of flunked out in his final high school exams. It was a rough time for him: chasing down murderers, becoming an avenging vigilante, and mourning the death of his father, played by Luke Perry, who passed away in 2019.

So yeah, his grades slipped, he’s not going to graduate with his peers, and he decides on a whim to enlist into the U.S. army. In a time jump that pulls the characters seven years into the future, we discover Archie was injured in battle and removed from service. We never really learn where he was deployed — flashback scenes portray part-Vietnam, part-WWII energy, despite it being set in real time.

But the actual enemy he needs to fight is the corrupt army general who ordered Archie’s battalion into a futile mission that killed 10 men under his leadership. He ends up with PTSD, and in a particularly triggering episode for him, when he’s back in Riverdale, his girlfriend’s dad Hiram Lodge detonates a bomb in a palladium mine he’s digging in. Archie learns to deal with his guilt and grief of watching so many people die in war when the ghosts of the dead soldiers help him escape — and also partially through therapy.

Killing Spree

It’s unclear how Riverdale’s population even exists anymore, given there’s been more serial killers than seasons so far. Betty Cooper’s dad was a serial killer who passed down the serial killer gene to her. Betty herself was held hostage by a serial killer known for covering his face with a trash bag. Even Betty’s fiancé — the one and only Archie — was a serial killer, but in a different universe (see below).

Into the River-Verse

Step aside Spiderman, there’s a new multiverse in town. For its 100th episode milestone last week, Rivervale explored parallel universes. We’d spent the last handful of Season 6 episodes in a special town called Rivervale. Yep, that’s right, Rivervale — with a ‘V’ — where everything happening in the sleepy town has a supernatural twist.

In a nod to Midsommar, the entire community decides to sacrifice Archie at a mayfair event while strapped to a X-shape cross, Lucifer visits the town to steal some souls, the ghost of an ancient murdered witch tries to steal a baby, and then in a crossover that shouldn’t really make sense, Sabrina the Teenage Witch visits the town to help perform a magic ritual.

Related
'Riverdale' Is The Campest Binfire Show On TV And If You Aren't Watching It, You're A Coward

Then, because the writers couldn’t stay in fantasy land forever, Jughead Jones makes the vital discovery that Rivervale and Riverdale can’t co-exist, and everyone in both universes is going to die if they don’t go back to normal. Oh, also at this point reincarnation is a thing, so the disembowled Archie returns back from the dead alongside Cheryl Blossom’s twin brother Jason, whose murder in Season 1 killed the innocence of the town and set precedent for all the whacky events that have happened since.

Archie goes on a hunting spree to kill anyone who knows about the multiverse in an attempt to bring back his dead father — which at this point, after Cheryl had literally ripped out his pumping heart like four episodes earlier, seems a smidge justified. After a brief spell in heaven (which is a ’50s diner where everyone is dressed like their cartoon equivalent) after being killed by Archie, Rivervale Jughead discovers how to save everyone in both universes.

Narrator Jughead (from neither, yet both universes) just has to face an eternal future of isolation, continuing to churn out the next comics on his little typewriter while trapped in a bunker, to keep the plots of the show going and prevent the worlds blowing up.

And by the way, this all happened because Hiram set off a bomb underneath Archie’s bed that was so powerful and conveniently timed that it split Riverdale and Rivervale in two or something. That man really hates Archie.

Bored Games

A few seasons back, a mysterious board game from the past called ‘Gryphons and Gargoyles’ pops up on the scene, threatening the students at Riverdale High. It’s kind of like ‘Dungeons and Dragons’ and equally as nerdy. The roleplaying activity entices kids to do naughty things like drink poison and murder people in the name of the ominous Gargoyle King, who shows up in forests sometimes.

We eventually learn that Cheryl’s mother Penelope reintroduced the dangerous game into the world for revenge, and forces the four main characters — Jughead, Archie, Betty, and Veronica — into one final match. They’re released into the grounds of Penelope’s very large, very expensive estate, and have to avoid being literally hunted down with shot guns. They survive, obviously.

Jughead “Died” — Twice

Everyone lost their minds when a battle broke out between Riverdale’s two rival gangs: the Serpents and the Ghoulies. After an arc of trying to break the cycle from his father’s poor, addict-ridden, and violence-filled lifestyle in the less affluent Southside, Jughead embraces the Serpent way and eventually joins the gang.

A few episodes later, Jughead sacrifices himself to the Ghoulies in the name of a truce, and is brutally beaten to death. A tragic scene sees his father FP carry his lifeless corpse in his arms. The world literally thought he died! It was a mind-numbing cliffhanger on par with the main character deaths of Wes in How To Get Away With Murder, Marissa Cooper in the The O.C., or the mum deer in Bambi.

But oh ho ho, not in fair Riverdale, no siree. The tearjerker scene of Betty caressing his tombstone with Veronica Lodge and Archie turns out to be dream, because the show is written with the same literary expertise as a Year 4 student ending a short story. Jughead is just in hospital, and once he’s in fit shape, he even goes on to become the leader of the Serpents.

They say a cat has nine lives, but so too does Jughead Jones, apparently. A few seasons down the track he’s once again at the centre of a vicious homicide — this time at the hands of his girlfriend Betty, who allegedly hits him on the head with a rock. But yet again, she’s being framed by Jughead’s mean, posh transfer prep school classmates who don’t like the fact that Jughead might win a coveted ghostwriting deal for a famous book series all the students in his accelerated English class want to nab.

He only survived this ‘perfect murder’ because he was wearing that ridiculous beanie of his.

Moth-er Fuckers

There’s a breaking point for all Riverdale viewers where they just snap. For me, it was the ‘moth men’ — these weird, scrap metal creatures with glowing red eyes that just sort of start showing up around town. Jughead even goes so far to claim they’re extraterrestrials after an out-of-body experience akin to an alien abduction.

Naturally, they turn out to be Cheryl’s grandmother’s husband’s illegitimate and inbred redneck children who live in the woods and keep to themselves. They dress up in costumes, pretend to be truckers, and kidnap vulnerable women on the highway to kill for fun. A shrivelled specimen kept in a jar to keep the old wive’s tale alive is even some random relative called Cousin Timmy, related to Betty and Cheryl.

Betty Joins The FBI

Of course she does.

Archie Goes To Juvie

Related
Why I'm Finally Giving Up On 'Riverdale'

Hiram frames Archie for murder and he spends some time in prison. He gets tapped for illegal, underground wrestling matches between inmates, before breaking out of jail, and becoming a fugitive with brown box-job hair dye. Eventually his name is cleared. This is probably one of the more sane plot lines, to be fair.

Love Square

When the show starts out, girl-next-door Betty is head over heels in unrequited love for her neighbour Archie. New York socialite Veronica hits the scene and immediately sweeps Archie off his feet. Soon, Betty and Jughead get together, so everything is fine and everyone is happy in love.

Then, as part of the process of fooling the Stonewall Prep students during the ongoing murder investigation of Jughead’s second fake death, Betty and Archie accidentally fall in love, and smooch each other right before graduation — breaking off two good, supposedly endgame pairings.

During the time jump, when everyone is reunited in the present day, we learn that Jughead holds a years-long grudge against his ex-girlfriend Betty. Jughead then starts a new relationship with the town’s diner owner Tabitha, who helps him on the path to recovery from alcoholism.

Veronica rekindles things with Archie, but he’s a small town boy living in a lonely world, and she’s a city girl with her sights on the Big Smoke. It was never going to work out! They had to break up once more, but instead of moving to NYC like she said she would, Veronica just stays and starts illegal casino with former Riverdale High football player Reggie Mantle (the two actors are dating in real life).

Then in Rivervale with a ‘V’, Betty and Jughead get it on to try save the universe, which would’ve been an awkward scene to film because they broke off their real-life romantic relationship in early 2020. As it currently stands, FBI agent Betty Cooper is back to dating her childhood crush Archie Andrews, with plans for marriage and babies in the seasons to come.

Cult Behaviour

A cult known only as ‘The Farm’ appears in Riverdale, helmed by Chad Michael Murray, who plays sexy leader Edgar Evernever. They do a lot of run-of-the-mill cult stuff, but mostly brainwash their cult members. The Farm sweep up Betty’s whole family, including her wee niece and nephew, and somehow dig up Jason Blossom’s dead body for Cheryl to talk to.

Edgar’s daughter turns out to be his wife pretending to be of high school age in order to recruit students to their cult. It turns out The Farm is a front of human organ trafficking as well. All in a day’s work in Riverdale, to be honest. The writers’ room are all probably on something, but hoo boy, do I want to see what they pull out of thin air next.