No One Is Ready For My Culture Predictions For 2024

I’m done with 2023. I was done around June. From that point, I pretty much checked out emotionally and spent the rest of the year on The Middle Path, desiring nothing, and expecting even less.
I just felt like everything that was going to happen in culture had already happened. I found myself thinking only of 2024. What delights and dangers would it bring?
So I started a list, and before I knew it, I had mapped out the entire year. Looking over it, I’d be completely surprised if all of this didn’t come true.
TikTok Trend: ‘CheddarChops’
Some people don’t know anything about cheese. In 2024, other people will have #CheddarChops. They’re just charming and good around cheese. Talking about it, tasting it, sharing it.
Elon Musk Will Apologise And Give Twitter To Someone Else
In a truly visionary move by one of the bravest thinkers of our time, Elon Musk will tearfully admit that he has done a terrible job making what used to be a semi-fun, often unbearable place completely inhospitable to anyone who isn’t a white nationalist. When asked who should run it, he’ll say, “Anyone but me.”
The ‘Ferry Fella’ TikTok Trend Will Finally Take Off
I’ve been riding the ferry every day for the last four years, taking videos of myself singing on the deck, dancing with strangers and doing the Titanic pose. Nothing. 2024 will change that. It’s time to go viral, folks. Oh, and before you accuse me of ripping off Tube Girl’s schtick, let me just say that I’ve never heard of her.
Ariana DeBose Will Perform The Same Rap At The BAFTAS, Out Of Spite
In early 2023, the actress took a lot of heat for this performance, which was really just a celebration of achievement. In 2024, she gets payback.
Get Ready For Shopping Bear
Everyone will be given a digital “bear” that will do their online shopping for them. Need to buy a shirt for Dad on one platform and a shirt for Mum on another? Send the Shopping Bear. Then the Shopping Bears will unionise. It’s unclear what happens after that.
Taylor Swift Will Invite Me Up On Stage At Her Show And Dance With Me, ‘Dancing In The Dark’-Style
I honestly don’t know how it’s going to happen. I don’t have tickets to any of her shows in Australia. I still have all my un-refreshed, pre-sale tabs open, waiting to get into the lounge (or am I in the lounge, trying to get out?), but it’s not looking good for me. And yet, I am absolutely sure this is going to happen. It has to.
TikTok Trend: ‘GorillaCore’
Just people in gorilla suits reviewing TV shows.
AI Watermelon Grifters Will Be Everywhere
You know how everyone’s always wondering if something’s a “real watermelon”? Well, that’s about to become a much bigger problem.
The Return Of The Rubber Ducky (AI-Powered, Environmental Accountability Version)
Remember when everyone had a rubber ducky in their tub? Well, the adorable bath buddy will be back in 2024, with one key difference — there will be a robot inside that makes an awful, post-apocalyptic howl when you’ve used too much water.
Super Mario Bros Will Win Best Picture At The Oscars
At the ceremony, Angela Bassett will declare the winner. She’ll shake her head and say, “Clearly, nothing matters anymore. I give up.” Everyone will laugh, not taking it seriously, until she’s forced to hand the trophy to a CGI Mario, who’ll laugh that demonic laugh.
John Howard Will Weigh In On Issues That Have Nothing To Do With Him
As in 2023, the next year will see the former Prime Minister weigh in on the socio-political issues of the day. Emboldened, he will also begin to wade into less familiar waters, sounding off on Rachel Zegler, the correct pronunciation of TimTam, and whether the moon landing was fake. He will also finally offer his opinion on that gold/blue dress thing and the situation at OpenAI. No matter of public interest will escape his commentary. Having a hard time figuring out how to think about a complicated issue? Don’t worry. John Howard will do the thinking for all of us.
The Cabbage Patch Kids Horror Film Will Make A Billion Dollars
Remember Cabbage Patch Kids? Of course you don’t. And they are not happy about it. They will come storming back in an A24 movie full of grace and gore, reminding us all that they’re still here and they matter. Ignore them at your peril.
Sports Will Continue To Be Popular
Cricket, tennis, I’m sure there are others. They’re going to have a big 2024.
Rachel Zegler Will Have Her Revenge
After getting hammered for having the audacity to say she thought modernising Snow White was a good idea, the actress will announce that she’s set to star in the live-action remake of the 1988 Disney classic Oliver & Company. Then she’ll say she’s surprised to have been cast because she’s “never seen” the original because it looked “so stupid”.
ChatGPT Will Write, Produce, Direct, And Promote The Super Mario Bros Sequel
It will be the first “human-decentric” film and will make a billion dollars.
TikTok Trend: ‘Heffalumping’
Based on Winnie-the-Pooh’s imaginary elephant nemesis, people will film themselves befriending real elephants, bringing them to the movies, arguing with them about politics, etc.
Prince Harry Will Release A Book Sequel Titled I’m Not Finished
You can’t have a huge bestseller and not put out a sequel. It’s not proper and it’s not right. Like his first autobiography Spare, this one will feature Prince Harry settling scores with Dame Judi Dench, Avril Lavigne, Gwen Stefani, Justin Timberlake, Freddie Prinze Jr, Garfield, and more.
Welcome To Web 11.0
We’re going to jump ahead and skip all the other Webs and just get to 11. What does it do? Oh, everything. And nothing. There’ll be a blockchain, you can bet on that. Maybe an NFT or two. Is your mind blown yet?
The Soil-Infused, Butterless Mayonnaise And Nuts Coffee Smoothie Will Become The Key To Wellness
You will be powerless to resist its charms.
iPod Shuffle, A Movie About The iPod Shuffle, Will Make A Billion Dollars
People loved those things.
TikTok Trend: ‘Grinfluencing’
Where people just make weird smiles and get other people to do things for them. “I got grinfluenced into paying for his car wash,” for example.
We’re ready for you, 2024.
Nick Bhasin is the Managing Editor of Junkee. His debut novel, I Look Forward to Hearing from You, published by Penguin Random House Australia, is out now. Follow him on Instagram or Twitter (he’s not calling it X).