Please Enjoy This Melbourne Band’s Totally Batshit Tour Rider
The Melbourne band have requested, among other things, a "A copy of Avril Lavignes seminal album 'Let Go'", "Speed bought from the dirtiest Hume Hauler in Yass", and "Sim City 2000 installation disk."
If there’s one thing that can reach across the boundaries of genre and unite all music fans in mutual appreciation, it’s the love of a truly bonkers tour rider.
Whether it’s Jay Z requiring all green rooms to be exactly 21 degrees Celsius, or Mariah Carey requesting Vitamin Water to bathe her dogs with and an attendant to take her chewing gum out of her mouth, these small glimpses into the worlds of the rich and famous delight us all.
Turns out you don’t even need to be an outrageous diva to go hard on the tour rider, as Melbourne punk outfit Private Function have now shown. Yesterday, Music Junkee was sent their desired rider for their upcoming shows, and, well, it’s completely and utterly batshit.
It begins with the simple request of “The coffee the lemur poops out”, and gets even more detailed from there. Among other things, they request: “That John Howard shaped bong from the ’90s”, A copy of Avril Lavigne’s seminal album Let Go“, “Speed bought from the dirtiest Hume Hauler in Yass”, “Set of those corn skewers that are shaped like corn”, “A dozen glazed donuts served skewered on a large black dildo”, and “Gravestones with our names and today’s date as day of death.”
You can glimpse the full rider below, in all its glory. No word yet on whether it’s actually been filled, but hey, good on them for trying.
If you want to catch Private in action (or simply congratulate them on so expertly taking the piss) you can catch them at some upcoming shows at Sydney, Wollongong and Melbourne, where they’ll be playing PBS’s Drive Live show (catch the full program for that one here.)
Private Function Tour Rider
The coffee the lemur poops out
A yard glass full of VB
Pouch of White Ox
Packet of those “death” cigarettes with the skull and cross bones on them
A copy of Avril Lavigne’s seminal album Let Go
Mac n’ Cheese
Speed bought from the dirtiest Hume Hauler in Yass
New socks
KISS pinball machine
Piñata
Bowl of M&Ms with all the brown ones removed
CD copy of Romper Stomper soundtrack
Cheezels
Zappo’s Sour Chews
That John Howard shaped bong from the ’90s
Sega Genesis
Fresh papaya
That canned fruit salad
Porridge
Hammocks
Swedish masseuse
Framed photo of Osama Bin Laden
$25 Kmart gift card
Set of those corn skewers that are shaped like corn
McDonalds pancakes
Season three of The Simpsons on VHS
Season four of The Simpsons on DVD
Season five of The Simpsons on Blue Ray
5 x Twix
A butterfly knife
1 x Pair of soiled Japanese vending machine panties
Bottle of Dexter Hollands hot sauce
Curly fries
A 3 park super pass
A noose
A neon kebab sign
Make a donation of $150 to the Apex Gang in the name of “Private Function”
One bunch of jungle sausages
A selection of Where’s Wally books with Wally already circled
A Windows 98 installation disk
5 x tasers
Lemon flavoured Warheads
Some Nerf guns
A case of Dr Pepper
A human tooth
A packet of that Coles brand “smoked cheddar” flavoured cheese singles
3 x cans of silly string
A dozen glazed donuts served skewered on a large black dildo
A few copies of Mad Magazine
A didgeridoo
A Twister board game
A bottle of green olives stuffed with Parmesan
A lot of Spaghetti (Any sauce EXCEPT Carbonara)
2 x Dimebag Darrell signature guitars
A pair of brass knuckles
A roll of duct tape
An original pressing of The Riptides – 77 Sunset Strip 7 (But the first pressing where they’re credited as being “The Numbers”)
A packet of Chewing gum (Extra BLUE)
A selection of pornography (mainly femdom and water sports stuff)
Scorpion in a tank
Pogs (with Tazos Slammers)
Elvis impersonator
Cottee’s cola flavoured cordial
Towels
Venus fly trap
Lava lamp
Fishing rod and tackle box
Horse feed
Chemical shower
Tube sock with a billiard ball inside
Amyl nitrate
Pumping Iron on Blu Ray
PAL dog food (label’s removed)
Police sketch artist
Gravestones with our names and today’s date as day of death
44-gallon drum of McDonald’s special sauce
Sim City 2000 installation disk
Bongo drums
Strobe light
Stack of porno mags (Hustler preferred)
Wood varnish
Pink insulation bats
A case of spray paint (Mainly black but a few Aqua – Ironlak only)
A Weber BBQ
69 x One dollar 7/11 coffees
A St Anger Metallica poster on the wall of the green room
A personalised license plate with “P FUNC” written on it
A keg of Resches beer
Red Symons autograph
Sour pop rocks
A chainsaw
A Fruit platter