Pass It On: Family Calls 911 On Their 22-Pound Cat

“We aren’t safe around our cat. We’re trapped in our bedroom, he won’t let us out of our door.”

Thus reads the transcript of a call made to 911 by Portland’s Lee Palmer, whose corpulent Himalayan cat began charging at his family every time they opened the door. “He’s trying to attack us,” Palmer continued. “He went over the edge… He’s very, very, very, very hostile.”

According to Lee’s girlfriend Theresa, it started after Lux, the cat, attacked their eight-month-old baby. Lee kicked the cat — D: — and the cat, who has “a history of violence”, retaliated. “He was pretty much letting us know if you open the door I’m gonna come at ya,” she told WBTV.

After law enforcement officials arrived on the scene, the family and their apparently hopeless dog cowered in their bedroom as the cat darted through the house, in what police actually referred to as an “attempt to flee custody”. They used a dog snare to grab Lux from the top of the fridge, because that is where bad cats go.

“The cat remained behind bars in the custody of the family,” reads the official statement of the Portland Police Bureau, “and officers cleared the scene and continued to fight crime elsewhere in the city.”

Below is the report from the news team at Fox 12, whose jobs are maybe even more ridiculous than mine.

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Late last month, a woman called 911 after being served a raw waffle. You’re doing great, America!