An Opinion Piece About How Dumb Women Look In Their Dumb Female Selfies

At least three times a year, you will read an opinion piece about women taking selfies and why this signals the end of civilisation, or something (I think in the biz this is called #evergreen #content). Many have been written before and many more will be written in the future. Telling women how to live their lives will never go out of style!

But how can you replicate something that is in equal parts judgemental and totally ill-informed? Look no further, friends!

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The Cultural Trash Can

How annoying are selfies, urgh! How annoying are women, gah! How gross is it when those two things are combined, za-beluugghhhh-yeuccccch! This is the scourge of our time, an infection that cannot be cured by antibiotics, a disease that we do not have a genetic resistance to.

I wasn’t around when the plague was happening but I am 100 percent certain that my plague-stricken relatives, while coughing up mounds of blackened, rotting gut, would have been appalled by this generation’s obsession with self-documentation. Then they would have dropped dead, partly because of the plague and mostly from shame.

When you’re writing about the silly women who make silly faces in obscene images that they upload on their computers and then transfer to their cellular phones, make sure you connect this trend to other frivolous things that they care about. If you don’t know any young people, so are finding it difficult to mock the things that they like, focus on ‘lip kits’, ‘Troye Sivan’ and ‘trigger warnings’.

A good way to start your opinion piece is to remind young women what they should care about instead, like the world economy and PC culture gone mad and the tyranny of the elite media. If News Corp hasn’t done an op-ed on the topic in the last week, then it doesn’t matter. Have these women no shame? Photos of their faces, I ask you!!!

Reduce these women, these girls who selfie, to pitiable mannequins, merely a whisp of vapor with a puckered mouth hole who symbolise everything that has gone wrong for women since God graciously allowed Adam to generously fashion a wife out of his own rib. Meanwhile, you also must admonish them for not having more depth than that, even though you have yourself already reduced them to their physicality. It’s a careful science!

If you’re not blaming young women for talking selfies while concern trolling them so hard that you can’t help but grin like a racist meme while you’re typing it, you are not doing this opinion piece justice.

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Only You Can See The Truth

Come from a place of indisputable authority on the psychology of women and their motivations for taking selfies (bonus points if you have a child or have once been in proximity to a child — we’ll get to that later). You are a cultural critic without blindspots, a frank storyteller who makes incisive observations that cause lesser minds to exclaim in delight, “of course!”. You must prune the dangerous and rotting aspects of this pitiable generation like a surgeon removing a pulsating tumour so its host may live. You are witty; your opinions are vital; your critical lens heralds a new period of enlightenment.

If you’re a woman, adopt a pitying and condescending tone. If you’re a man, don’t be shy in assuming that you speak for all of culture.

Make sure that you not only look at how silly women who take selfies seem now, but how silly they will look in 100 years. When archaeologists dig up our mobile phones for their space museums, how they will laugh and laugh in smug disdain when they see women pouting for the camera, a camera held by their own hand! Selfies are the only phenomenon from 2016 that they will be perplexed by. How dare you embarrass us in front of future archaeologists!!!

You’re not writing this piece because you want to. You are writing this piece because it’s what you’ve been put on this earth to do.

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Because Of Feminism 

There is one disclosure you need to make absolutely obvious in this opinion piece, a bias that needs to be made clear: if you say that you’re a feminist in the first few lines of this piece, you will have license to say anything you want about women without repercussions. You’re doing this for them. You represent all women, even these vain weirdos.

You will have to develop a delicate balance of slut-shaming women who selfie — giving them no credit for taking joy and pleasure in their own sexuality — as if they are a force of danger, but also make out that they’re really too dim to know what heinous act they are committing. These are mindless organisms who must be feared, but also rescued.

If some of these ‘celebrities’ consider themselves ‘feminists’ don’t be afraid to call them out for their lack of feminism, because to be a feminist means you can never appear in photos at all and should immediately apply a burlap sack to one’s head when approached with a camera phone. If a real feminist gets the urge to take a selfie, she periodically whacks herself with a copy of The Feminine Mystique and listens to recordings of Germaine Greer on Q&A so loudly that her ears bleed, until the urge passes.

If you are a feminist — like me — everything that you do in your life has to be empowering. Make sure to somehow link selfies to porn because porn can’t be empowering!!!! (Use the word porn a lot, actually — good for SEO). Women should be allowed to choose, and if you are a woman you should be able to tell other women that the choices they have chosen are incorrect and suggest other choices like gardening and posting snake emojis on celebrity Instagram accounts instead.

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Don’t You Care About Children?

Selfies hurt children!!!

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When In Doubt, Blame Celebrities 

If you’re finding that you’ve run out of reasons to hate selfies and those who selfie, pin the toxic culture on a celebrity whom everyone hates for being too much. She — she who is over-exposed and represents the worst of our society — is to blame for this trend. Just look at her lips! Terrible.

While we’re here, why are we even paying attention to this famous woman? What is she even famous for! Like the once powerful Roman Empire descending into a mess of orgies and Christians, we are being led astray by this woman who I can unequivocally say that I loathe beyond measure. I hate her so much that I don’t even engage with her or her television show. What’s her name? I don’t even know!!

Young ladies, take it from me: you don’t need selfies to validate your self image. Selfies are ruining your intelligence. Women must be attractive without trying, sexy without knowing it. A relationship with your phone will never replace a relationship with a real man person :)