To my fellow sardines on the morning commute, hello!

It’s so nice to address you all, after many hours of rubbing shoulders while we simultaneously wish to be any place but on the train. I’d like to take a special moment to address some of the most spectacular specimens on our commute who have a magic way of making my blood boil or my nostrils shrivel in on themselves.

To The Loud Conversationalist

Not sure if it’s you I’m addressing? Ask yourself these questions: “Do I have a complete lack of spatial awareness?” “Do I fail to catch social cues?” and, “Do I think that anyone on this train is remotely interested in my Sunday night plans with Janice?”

If you answered mostly yes, then this one is for you, my friend! Thank you for the times where you’ve let me in on some juicy gossip about your neighbour or the staff member at the desk across from you. I get so let down when I don’t see you on the same carriage the next day for the next episode in Sharon’s affair with the cleaner. But, when there’s nothing in it for me, please turn down your vocals and save those bad boys for tonight’s shower singing.

To The Constant Drunk

Hello! Chances are, we’ve probably talked before, because you usually like to make conversation around the carriage with anyone who’s willing to listen. You’re a valuable character on a dreary, tear-inducing, existential-crisis-triggering, train trip. I just have one question for you: Do you know what day it is? Because it’s a Tuesday. I hope you’re OK.

To The Manspreader

Sir, why do you feel entitled to take up so much room in a confined space? I want you to understand my distress when I’m forced to squeeze against the window so that you can be an inconvenient eyesore to anyone who recognises good posture. The train is my battle ground as I’m waging this silent war against claiming excessive ball room. Please, mind the gap.

To The One Looking At My Phone

I get it – this commute’s boring for you, and it’s boring for me. I’m a financially irresponsible uni student who’s always going over her mobile data. And you’re the nosy person next to me. I’m sorry, but the only thing I can do on my phone of a morning is check the time 19 times over and re-arrange my apps into folders. But I do suggest shifting your eyes to the left, the lady in the green cardigan is streaming a Korean drama.

To The One Who Missed The Earphone Memo

I understand your fantasy: boom box on shoulder, oversized DCs on your feet, and a boy band membership to justify the space you’re taking up. But in this century, we use earphones that allow you the full surround-sound experience without being an absolute pest to everyone else on the train. Don’t assume that all of our tastes in music are as poor as yours, but thank you for covering the sound of the bearded man snoring.

To The Lady Who Smells Really Nice Each Morning

Thank you.

To The Man Who Blatantly Inflates His Own Importance In Loud Conversations

Fuck you.

To The Rest Of You

It’s been an honour to spend some of my most self-loathing moments with you all. And thanks for also being pretty amusing.

Sincerely,

An angelic commuter who’s conveniently ignoring her own bad train habits

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(Lead image: Seinfeld/Sony Pictures)