On Suicide And Blame: It’s Not Courtney’s Fault That Kurt Is Dead

If you run in the same online circles as I do, you will have seen a host of Facebook posts and tweets over the past week paying tribute to Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain, as April 5 marked the 20th anniversary of his death. You might also have seen the more sinister ones, blaming his death on his wife Courtney Love.

Imagine being the best known musician of yr generation and all you get for yr troubles is a heroin addiction and Courtney Love?

— Sam de Brito (@SamdeBrito) April 6, 2014

@TheWrap Who do we still blame for his loss to this day? #CourtneyLove

— Sam Kalidi (@samkalidi) April 6, 2014

I don’t blame Kurt for killing himself, I would too if I was married to Courtney Love

— Rad Pitt (@TrashDiamond) April 5, 2014

Personal attacks on Love over Cobain’s death are nothing new, but the anniversary has unleashed a torrent of old rumours and accusations. Love has been painted as a promiscuous gold digger, who encouraged Cobain’s drug use or didn’t do enough to stop it (depending on who you ask). She has been accused of stealing his song lyrics and using his celebrity to further her own career. There’s now even a new documentary dedicated to rehashing the theory that she orchestrated his murder.

Celebrity deaths will always attract conspiracy theories and controversy, but this sort of vitriol I take personally. The pain of losing a partner to suicide, however fractious the relationship, is indescribable, and the guilt is almost unbearable. The suicide of my long-term partner in 2008 was the most tragic, earth-shatteringly surreal experience of my young life. The road from that moment to now has been a slow journey back to normalcy, as I learned to confront and control my grief, anger, guilt and heartbreak. In the wake of my boyfriend’s death, the tumultuousness of our union became fodder for gossip. Every detail of our relationship was pored over and misconstrued, and for some a way to make sense of their grief and anger was to hold me responsible.

The viciousness of the accusations hurled at Love is obviously magnified by her celebrity status, but the impulse to find someone to blame is heartbreakingly normal. From talking with other grieving partners, experiencing this stigma is all too common, so much so that the literature written to help the bereaved specifically warns about the phenomenon. Clinical psychologist Sally-Anne McCormack says one of the initial reactions for many people to the suicide of a loved one is shock. “For some, that disbelief may then be targeted to the person’s partner or family member because they cannot comprehend how their loved one could ever do such a thing,” she said.

There are many damaging myths and misconceptions about suicide, but the idea that someone must be to blame is particularly cruel. The tendency to attribute blame to someone for the death makes an already terrible experience all the more harrowing for the person who is being held responsible.

The media have guidelines around the reporting of suicide with good reason. Sensationalist and speculative reporting can encourage people feeling suicidal to take action, and be extremely distressing to grieving friends and family. However, in the online world, keyboard warriors self-publish without a thought about the effect their words might have on suicidal people and those left most vulnerable by a suicide.

Seeing these posts in the immediate wake of my boyfriend’s death would have been soul destroying. Imagine waking up every day and having to readjust to the fact that someone who used to be lying right next to you chose to take their own life? Imagine the questions you lie awake torturing yourself with at night? Then imagine how hurtful it would be to be singled out as the reason your partner is no longer alive.

In my case, the truth was we were just a young couple doing the best we could to fight off a disease that neither of us understood the true danger of. If I had my time again, of course I would have done things differently. But six years on, I have come to the resolution that I did the best I could to support and keep alive the man I loved; unfortunately, it didn’t work and that is the fault of no one.

It may be human nature to look for the logic in a traumatic event, but I believe if you have never been suicidal yourself the act and the reasons for it are difficult to comprehend. Ending your life is the ultimate act of irrationality, the result of mental illness and not the actions of another. Rather than tackling the difficult questions, like how to better support young men suffering from mental illness, it’s simply easier to blame the wife or girlfriend.

When I woke up on Saturday morning and saw posts like, “So its 20 years since Courtney put the hurt on Kurt Cobain……bad luck buddy”, it invoked a mixture of hurt and anger, but not surprise. The vitriol heaped on Love is extreme, but every day people have to deal with similar issues. Seeing people posting accusations so flippantly rubs salt into the wounds of those of us who have lost the people we loved most, reinforces the idea that someone is to blame for a suicide, and distracts from issues like better mental health care.

So to the keyboard warriors, I say devote the same enthusiasm you have for poring scorn on Courtney Love to the fight against mental illness, the real cause of suicide.

–

Support is available for anyone who may be distressed by calling Lifeline 131 114, Beyondblue 1300 224 636, Mensline 1300 789 978, Kids Helpline 1800 551 800.

–

Lauren Gillin is a freelance radio and online journalist, perennial postgrad student, and producer of late night radio at Brisbane’s News Talk 4BC. You can follow her exploits @theljg.