Noted Astronomer Shane Warne Has Some Intriguing Ideas About Those Aliens We’re All Descended From

This job can be hard sometimes. Long hours sitting glued to a monitor, trawling the internet in search of the content that the readers of Junkee demand at all hours of the day. It can be tiring, all-consuming work, down in these content mines. I haven’t seen my family in years. I can no longer recall my own name, or the smell of wildflowers. Far above, in the sunlight of the Upper World, there are birds singing that I will never hear.

Which is why moments like this are so important. Sometimes a piece of content surfaces that is so pure, so perfect, that it makes all the toil worthwhile. I would slave in these airless chambers for a thousand lifetimes just to have the privilege of writing the following sentence:

Shane Warne thinks humans are monkeys that evolved through alien experimentation.

This is it. The hottest content. The spiciest meatball.

To get specific, tonight’s episode of I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here! features Warne idly meditating with his fellow contestants on our place in the universe and the origins of the human species.

But not for Warnie is the theory of evolution — that conformist, narrow-minded orthodoxy the powers-that-be want you to swallow. No. Australia’s greatest spin bowler is a freethinker. You don’t pull down 708 wickets in just 145 Tests by thinking inside the box.

“If we’ve evolved from monkeys, then why haven’t those ones evolved?” Warnie boldly asks of British dancer Bonnie Lythgoe. “‘Cause I’m saying…*pause for effect*…aliens. We started from aliens.”

“Look at those pyramids, Bonnie,” Warne urges. “You, just…you couldn’t do ’em. You couldn’t pull a bit of rope, those big, those huuuge bits of brick, and make a perfectly symmetrical…couldn’t do it.

“So who did it? So who did it?” Near-speechless at the force of this revelation, his companions offer little in the way of reply.

He goes on. “Whatever planets, planet, they’re on out there, they decided that they were gonna start some more life here on Earth and study us,” he says, prompting Lythgoe, in the role of Doubting Thomas to Warnie’s Jesus, to offer a half-hearted defence of the story they want you to believe.“Scientifically, we have so many similarities to monkeys so I don’t know…yeah,” she replies.

But Warnie is too far gone for such piddling justifications. “Maybe they turned a few monkeys into humans. They turned into humans and said ‘yeah, it works.'”

It all makes sense.

Warnie’s bold and unapologetically ambitious blueprint for the history of the human race has attracted criticism online from lesser minds, unable to see the big picture in the way only a two-time Wisden Cricketer of the Year truly can.

They are of no consequence. This piece of Warnie content is even more wonderful than the self-commissioned painting he owns depicting himself cracking VB tinnies with various celebrities.

Thank you, Shane. Thank you for this gift.

–

I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here! airs tonight at 7:30pm on Channel 10.