Nine Things We’d Really Like To See In The Upcoming Entourage Movie

When the Entourage movie was announced, the internet rolled its collective eyes and asked if such a thing was really necessary. The HBO show’s eighth season ended with Vinnie, Drama, E, Turtle and the rest of their Hollywood pussy posse riding off into the sunset, or flying there in a pair of private jets if you want to get all technical about it. What story could possibly be left to tell?

As far as premium cable shows go, Entourage was always a bit of a laughing stock. It lacked the moral and intellectual heft of The Wire and Mad Men, concerning itself primarily with stories about babes, blow and young Hollywood debauchery. I mean, the story of Vincent Chase and his buddies was based on Mark Wahlberg’s life experiences — how serious and thoughtful an exploration of the human condition was that ever going to be?

Here’s the thing, though. In spite of its questionable reputation, Entourage was actually pretty damn decent. The show managed to sustain some compelling season-long story arcs about the nefarious aspects of Hollywood wheeling and dealing. The show’s final season ended on a cliff-hanger — just when Jeremy Piven’s Ari Gold thought he was out of the Hollywood game, the offer of a new job and an obscene amount of money threatened to pull him back in.

But whether or not you even want an Entourage movie, it’s already happening. The film is currently shooting, and it was announced last week that Billy Bob Thornton will appear as a Texas billionaire who is financing Vincent Chase’s latest movie. With the promise of some signature Thornton scenery-chewing to come, we had a think about some of the other things we’d like to see in a big screen version of Entourage.

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More Of Ari Gold’s Alpha Male Ridiculousness

Let’s be real here: Jeremy Piven’s Ari Gold was the breakout character of Entourage’s original run. He was unlike the typical modern-day cable anti-hero, in that he didn’t have any shades of grey. Ari Gold didn’t have Don Draper’s soulful sadness or Walter White’s moral ambiguity; Ari Gold was an unrepentant alpha male douchebag, perpetually drenched in flop sweat, sweeping computers off desks and screaming profanity at his underlings. Okay, he had some shades of grey: he was loyal to a fault to his best client Vince, and to the long-suffering Mrs Ari. For all his awfulness, though, Ari was one of the most entertaining TV characters of recent years, and it will be great to have him back.

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More Of Lloyd’s Magical Gay Pixie Dust

As a much put-upon assistant at the Miller-Gold agency, the teeny tiny Lloyd was humiliated and degraded at every turn, and bore the brunt of Ari Gold’s constant, vicious homophobic bullying. In their own sick way, though, those two were the perfect couple — Ari even stepped in to stop Lloyd being sexually molested at the hands of a predatory new client. Sure, Ari was the one who pimped Lloyd out in the first place, but at least he finally grew a conscience. Lloyd is cute as a button, he queefs magic pixie dust, his tailoring is impeccable, and his put-downs are always completely on point. He’s the yin to Ari Gold’s yang, and I’d like to see the two of them to stay together forever.

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More Winking Celebrity Cameos

When you get right down to it, Entourage was a very silly show full of very silly people, and those involved clearly had a blast, especially the revolving door of celebrities who made cameo appearances as awful or very awful versions of their real selves. Gary Busey basically set the gold standard, in a performance that was all blindingly huge teeth, spiritual mumbo jumbo, and intense physical menace. Such entertainingly batshit Hollywood types as 50 Cent, Tom Sizemore, Penny Marshall, Melinda Clarke, John Stamos and Eminem all appeared as themselves, too. I don’t know what the movie has in store, but I’ll be very upset if Miley Cyrus and a few sundry Kardashians don’t make an appearance.

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More Arias Of Foul Language

I don’t live in Hollywood and have very little experience with Hollywood stars outside of a face-to-face interview I once did with Hugo Weaving, but I have a very specific idea of what Hollywood is like. I imagine it’s a town full of business-suited ball-busters screaming hideous profanity at all around them, and occasionally breaking for wheatgrass shots. Ari Gold is the epitome of this. “What the fuck are you wearing?” he shouts at Lloyd, who shows up to the office one day in a shiny new suit. “You look like Michelle Kwan in drag. Why don’t you do a triple fucking axle over to the phone?” Your average Entourage episode wasn’t necessarily Wolf Of Wall Street profane, but it had enough naughty words to give you a vicarious buzz. Let’s try and aim for Scorsese-level rudeness in the movie.

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More Of Drama’s Wonderful Coinages

When E’s fiancé breaks things off with him to move back east, Johnny Drama is philosophical about the whole situation. “Poor guy must fuck like dog shit,” he says, shaking his head sadly. Who would have thought that Johnny Drama, failed TV actor and less-good-looking older brother of a much more famous guy, would be his generation’s Dorothy Parker?

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Less Vincent Chase

Entourage was meant to be the story of a young actor on the make, but the premise never felt entirely believable, because Vincent Chase was so very, very boring. Adrian Grenier had the pretty-boy looks of a Hollywood star, but his performance was so flat that he basically sucked the life out of any room he entered. Fortunately, the writers seemed to realise fairly quickly that Vincent was the show’s least interesting character. By the later seasons, his friends were more or less keeping the story going while he was reduced to a bit-player, dropping in to date the occasional porn star and blast the occasional line of blow.

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More Weekend At Bernie’s-Style Antics

Having said all that about Vincent Chase’s utter lack of charisma, the Entourage movie could find a way to use this weakness in its favour. How’s this for a plot? Vincent goes toes-up at the very start, and the gang have to find a way to keep him animated throughout his final film shoot! Just picture a pallid, lifeless Vinnie slumped in-between Eric and Turtle with a pair of Wayfarers sliding down his face! Imagine the chaos that would ensue if Johnny Drama misplaced his brother’s body at an orgy! Adrian Grenier wouldn’t be required to act any more or less than he did in the original series. Let’s make this happen, people.

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More Of The Nightmare That Is Turtle’s Life

Donnie Carroll, the Massachusetts rapper who serves as the real-life inspiration behind Turtle, passed away early in Entourage’s run. His memory, however, lives on through Jerry Ferrara’s performance. Life shits all over the hapless Turtle, but he always comes back with another scheme and another backwards baseball cap. What crazy business plans has he come up with in the years since Entourage went off the air? A hip-hop dating service for cougars? A dogs-only restaurant?  An iPhone app that stops you from drunk dialling? Actually, Marnie’s ex-boyfriend already did that in Girls. Poor Turtle, always one step behind.

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More Parts For Shauna, Dana And Other People With Vaginas

The caustic Debi Mazar was great in her all-too-brief appearances as Vinnie’s sweary publicist Shauna, Constance Zimmer brought a wounded dignity to poor Dana Gordon, and Anna Faris was her usual delightful self for the couple of episodes she played Eric’s girlfriend. Entourage is a boys’ club, but would it really be too much to ask for some of these excellent women to return? Let’s maybe not hold our breath on this one.

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Alasdair Duncan is an author, freelance writer and video game-lover who has had work published in Crikey, The Drum, The Brag, Beat, Rip It Up, The Music Network, Rave Magazine, AXN Cult and Star Observer.