Nine Stars Who Moonlight As Writers
Some of them are actually worth reading!
Whenever I’m casually browsing a bookstore, I avoid the biography section, even despite years of a friend’s insistence that “Lance Armstrong’s autobiography is the greatest piece of literature written, ever”. I don’t care, I will not be suckered in by the superstar powers that be.
That said, they’re apparently not all bad. Here’s a list of famous people who moonlight as writers — the witty, iffy, and WTF.
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The Witty
Ezra Koenig
We Know ‘Em Best For: Being the lead vocalist and guitarist of indie band, Vampire Weekend
Wrote: ‘Internet Vibes‘ (2006), a blog which records Koenig’s various encounters and observations (he describes them as “vibes”).
What? From their self-titled debut to last year’s much loved Modern Vampires Of The City, Vampire Weekend have charmed us with their preppy persona and bookish tunes. Remember that track ‘Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa‘? Well, it was based on a short story collection of the same name, which Koenig had workshopped in a creative writing class during his young days as an undergrad at Columbia University.
Sample: “What is authentic for a guy like me? Fourth-generation Ivy League, deracinated, American Jew born on the UWS, raised in NJ to middle-class post-hippie parents with semi-Anglophilic tendencies AND propensity to put on Eastern European accents and use obscure Yiddish phrases.”
Recommended: If you enjoy the music of Vampire Weekend. Much like his songs, Koenig’s writing is made up of a lot of intelligent gibberish. It must be good if its won over short story naysayer Elif Batuman, who also writes for the “non-hipster” mag, n+1.
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Amber Tamblyn
We Know ‘Em Best For: Playing Joan in TV drama Joan Of Arcadia, and Tibby in The Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants
Wrote: Head Lock Heart Choke, a poem about drinking, but you can also take it as a metaphor for living. Yay for living.
What? Unlike her comparatively modest TV/film career, Amber Tamblyn is kind of a rockstar in the poetry world. At age 12, her first published poem, Kill Me So Much, appeared in The San Francisco Chronicle, and in 2006 her debut poetry collection Free Stallions won the Borders Book Choice Award for ‘Breakout Writing’.
Sample: “I’m the friend who will remind you in the morning/that you left your credit card/in the crack of an ass/neither of us can remember.”
Recommended: For lovers of contemporary American poetry. Think: Marie Howe, finding profound meaning in the trivial and the mundane, personal everyday experiences, that kind of schtick.
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Jesse Eisenberg
We Know ‘Em Best For: Starring in The Social Network and last year’s magic-caper film, Now You See Me
Wrote: ‘My Mother Explains The Ballet To Me‘, a short story about a single, unemployed guy with no social life who for obvious reasons (single/unemployed/no social life) is at the ballet with his mother. As you can imagine, it gets worse.
What? When he’s not playing frighteningly intelligent characters and/or magicians, Jesse Eisenberg is off being a typical neurotic Woody Allen-type and writing regularly for The New Yorker. He also regularly contributes to indie publishing powerhouse McSweeney’s, with his ‘Bream Gives Me Hiccups’ series, which is about a lonely kid rating life experiences under the guise of food reviews. It’s sweet, sad, and funny too.
Sample: “You look like you’re apologizing even before you open your mouth. You walk in a room, no one notices. He walks on stage, we’re all looking. Look at him, he’s like a walking picture. I never dated a black man.”
Recommended: If you’re into dry, self-deprecating humor. If you’ve ever seen Jesse Eisenberg in interviews, he very much writes the way he speaks: in short, sharp sentences, which help to move the pace of the story along.
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The Iffy
Jewel
We Know ‘Em Best For: Inescapable hits like ‘Who Will Save Your Soul’ and ‘Foolish Games’
Wrote: ‘Bukowski’s Widow‘, a poem about loss.
What? Jewel is a four-time Grammy Award-winning singer, actress and poet, whose debut poetry collection A Night Without Armour, sold over — believe it — one million copies. She apparently had plans to release a third book called Love Poems, but she didn’t end up writing because of how her mother-in-law would react.
Sample: “My prince the stars have/fallen from your crown/And I can not fathom/their fading –/some things should be forever!”
Recommended: Uh, for fans of Nicholas Sparks? Jewel is pretty much to poetry as Sparks is to fiction. Sure, they’ve both been on The New York Times bestseller list, but that could easily be an indication that there are lots of people out there in the world who clearly don’t read the first page of a book before buying.
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Zooey Deschanel
We Know ‘Em Best For: Starring in Almost Famous, 500 Days Of Summer and The New Girl, and being a singer/songwriter in indie pop duo, She & Him
Wrote: ‘Top 10 Tips And Tricks For A Winter Body‘, a satirical lifestyle piece where Zooey Deschanel offers her “top 10 tips and tricks for a winter body”.
What? Zooey’s a regular contributor over at HelloGiggles, a website she co-founded which covers fashion, pop culture, and relationships. Oh, and pets too. Her writing on the site includes birthday shout-outs and an ‘Item Of The Day’ column, but mostly it’s just “video chat karaokes“.
Sample: “If it doesn’t have a crust, don’t eat it. All the best winter meals start and end with pie. Embrace this, now.”
Recommended: If you don’t mind blatant self-promotion.
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Alison Brie
We Know ‘Em Best For: Her roles as the ex-Adderall addict Annie Edison on Community and Trudy on Mad Men
Wrote: ‘Homosexual Schmomosexual‘, a personal essay in which Brie writes about a particularly memorable college experiment.
What? On TV, Brie tends to play uptight characters. But, if her writing’s anything to go by, she’s quite outgoing in real life and very, um, open to new experiences.
Sample: “Exploring my newfound sexuality, there was, of course, the girl-on-girl action, the crazy threesome with the afros and whips, and the surreal ‘shrooms experience where I thought the tree was fondling me but it turned out to be my creepy male roommate with calluses on his hands… gross.”
Recommended: If the very specific plotline of ‘I-tried-to-prove-my-gay-friend-was-gay-by-having-sex-with-him’ is what you’re after.
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The WTF
James Franco
We Know ‘Em Best For: C’mon, does anybody ever truly know James Franco?
Wrote: ‘Just Before The Black‘, a short story about a guy driving down the road at night with his friend Joe. Based on all of the bizarro rambling about the “olden times” to time travel to ‘I’ll-knife-ya-in-the-tum’ type threats, it’s probably valid to assume that all the characters in the story are high.
What? Yes, Franco really does hold a Master of Fine Arts in writing from Columbia University, and is now pursuing a PhD at Yale. His popular blog on HuffPo earned him a nomination for the National Entertainment Journalism Award, and you can also find him writing about writing and other things on Vice. He’s also had a couple of actual books published too: 2010’s short story collection Palo Alto, and last year’s Actor’s Anonymous.
Sample: “I laugh like crazy, a laughter that bubbles out like popcorn, because he looks so fucking silly and because my name isn’t event close to Manuel, that’s his brother’s name, his equally stupid older brother.”
Recommended: For the shits and giggles, and maybe even a lingering fondness for James Franco? (well, once you get through all that profound artistic nonsense).
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Sasha Grey
We Know ‘Em Best For: Starring in The Girlfriend Experience, and, er, other notable films.
Wrote: The Juliette Society (2013), a novel featuring a naive and sexually-frustrated protagonist who joins a secret club where people do sexy stuff to each other.
What? Since retiring from the porno game, the AVN Award-winning actress (she’s like the Meryl Streep of porn) puts her expertise into her writing. The Juliette Society reportedly took her ten months to pen, and is about to become a series — she’s currently working on book number two.
Sample: “They will fuck you to get one over on you. They will fuck you to get over the top. They will fuck you to get out your money, your freedom, and your time.”
Recommended: If you’re into threes! Grey is real big on repetition, especially when she’s explaining, describing, driving home whatever point she’s trying to make.
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Dan Stevens
We Know ‘Em Best For: Playing Matthew Crawley, who was [SPOILER ALERT] offed in classic television fashion (dodgy car accident) in Brit period drama, Downton Abbey.
Wrote: Beyond The Scanners, a short story about a lady with an alcohol and canine dependency. Also, she goes on dates.
What? Of course, like probably any other fairly well-known British actor, this guy has a degree in Literature from Cambridge. He’s got a regular column in the UK’s Sunday Telegraph, and he’s currently editor of The Junket, an online quarterly. In 2012, he was a judge in the Man Booker Prize too, and while we’re on the topic of literature, he also has an award-winning audiobook voice — his reading of My Dear I Wanted To Tell You by Louisa Young was winner of ‘Audiobook Of The Year 2011’ at the Galaxy National Book Awards.
Sample: “After the sixth-consecutive bad date in as many weeks, Miranda had decided to skip town for a while and visit her sister in Vancouver. A slap of sororial sensibility usually served to realign her senses and she would return, refocused and re-engage with the electric city and its thrum of sexuality. Hendricks would come with, of course.”
Recommended: He’s got a degree in Literature from Cambridge; who needs that from a celebrity?
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Andy is Junkee’s intern. She is mostly harmless, moderately cheerful and recently discovered she can justify her “drinking” and “drug” problem by telling people she’s a writer. She takes her cafe noir, no sugar thanks.