Six Potential Roles To Kick-Off Nicki Minaj’s Hollywood Career

In today’s economy, singers can’t afford to just be singers anymore. To survive, you need to be a triple or quadruple threat: singer/dancer/designer/semi-professional ocelot breeder. Nicki Minaj is obviously no different. Last week, in an interview with the New York Post’s ‘Page Six’, the ‘Starships’ singer opened up about plans for a potential film career. “I would love to act, it just has to be the right project, the right movie,” she said. So, you know, it’s not going to happen in the next three weeks or anything… unless it does. “Nothing stereotypical about a singer,” Minaj added, in what may have been a dig at her Idol co-star Mariah Carey’s turn in Glitter, or possibly just a rare display of common sense.

We love darling Nicki and want only the best for her. At the 2015 Academy Awards, when she takes the microphone and gushingly declares “It came true!”, we’ll feel like we played a small part in her success. The only question is, what kind of film role should she choose? Here are some suggestions to help her avoid a Rihanna in Battleship-style debacle. (Words by Alasdair Duncan; images by Dijana Kumurdian.)

A Costume Drama

Any one at all, we don’t care, as long as she gets to wear a corset and say things like, “I shan’t be coming to dinner, father, for I’m in love with the count and we’re running away to begin our lives together!” in the voice of her insane British alter ego, Roman Zolanski.

A Gritty Independent Film

If it’s awards and recognition that Nicki craves, then a bleak, downer of an indie flick is clearly the way to go. Mariah Carey went without makeup for her turn as a social worker in Precious. Perhaps Nicki can take it a step further by playing a quadruple amputee who dreams of playing in the WNBA and inspires inner-city kids to stay off drugs by blinking at them in Morse code.

A CGI Kiddie Flick

This one seems like a pretty obvious slam-dunk. The best part is they wouldn’t even need to CGI Nicki’s part in – her look already consists of shiny, fake surfaces and colours not found in nature. She could play some kind of Disney princess, but instead of wishing on stars, she could wish bad tidings on Princess Kim from the neighbouring Kingdom of ‘Stupid Hoe’-vania. Or, even better, the other Princess Kim, from the Kingdom of Stupid Reality TV.

The Upcoming Annie Remake

The adorable, young Quvenzhané Wallis is taking the title role in the upcoming version of Annie – why not cast Nicki Minaj in the role of the scheming Miss Hannigan? Can you even imagine the sadistic glee she would take in tormenting a bunch of helpless orphans? She could even perform Jay-Z’s version of ‘Hard Knock Life’. Anne Hathaway, eat your goddamn heart out.

A Buddy Cop Comedy

The best thing about this season of Idol is Nicki and Keith’s mutual appreciation society: they finish eachother’s sentences, exchange flirty taps on the shoulder and whisper mean things about Mariah behind her back. Can you imagine the two of them on the trail of a Colombian drug lord, or the scene where Nicki’s all “I’m getting too old for this shhhhh…” as an oil tanker explodes behind her?

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay

The concluding chapter of The Hunger Games series takes place in The Capitol, where citizens clothe themselves in garish fashions, dye their skin unnatural colours, undergo extreme body modifications and wear a variety of insane wigs. Are we really the only ones seeing the incredible potential here?! If she went head-to-head with Jennifer Lawrence, the Internet would have enough gifs to see it through the next decade.

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Alasdair Duncan is an author, freelance writer and video game-lover who has had work published in Crikey, The Drum, The Brag, Beat, Rip It Up, The Music Network, Rave Magazine, AXN Cult and Star Observer.  

Dijana Kumurdian writes about art, design and expensive things (like yachts) at her day job at Vogue Living, and in her spare time is a freelance music writer, Photoshop hobbyist, hip hop DJ and longtime slacker rock fan.